This past year

Anyone who has been with me, reading this blog, knows that I fall in love and I fall in love and I fall in love. And you may wonder, is my heart so fickle that it falls in love so often? Or am I unable to commit and so flit from love to love?

The answer is neither of those things. My feeling is that we choose to shut ourselves off. We choose to love stingyly. Because it hurts. Because pain is so hard to take when the relationship ends. We convince ourselves that because it did not last, it must not have been love.

We do ourselves a disservice. Love is not so fickle. In our aversion to pain, we choose to allow our hearts to fade.

I did this for a long time. For 6 years. And you may not think that is that long. But to me, it was a prison I didn’t know how to get out of. I had to be pulled out of it.

That relationship failed, but it woke me up. I began to see again. And what I chose, ultimately it is a choice, what I chose is love. To not reject love. To not seek it, but to allow it.

So, in the natural course of being a poet, of seeing into people, of seeing who they are. In the moment. I see their unique beauty. Even if we are just words. Even if we never meet.

We are still hearts and minds and desires. And allowing ourselves to be honest with each other and ourselves, we allow for love. We give ourselves permission to fall in love. To jump from the precipice and fall. Exhilaration and pain, always hoping that there is no bottom. That you fall as well and we choose to love with fierceness.

To love each day. To not let love flair then fade, the flames must be fed. Sharing ourselves. Sharing everything. And each new piece is beautiful. Each new piece reminds me of why I jumped and why many people are worth the fall.

Love gloriously, love thoroughly, love without end. Because they don’t. My heart is not fickle. Those I love, I love forever. I hold that love forever. Love is not a finite resource. It is infinite. Relationships fail for any number of reasons, but love fails only when we allow it to. When we get distracted by the noise and the comfort of saying that the relationship failed because it wasn’t love. The lie we tell ourselves. Because if it was love, then the relationship failed because of us. And then you are forced to examine why and who you are. Always the hardest part.

So. My love is not fickle. It is a fire that rages, a sky in storm, an ocean in depth. It is eternal. I won’t hold myself to a lesser standard. But, you. You I will forgive, because I love you.

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