The saddest part of growing older is that the relationships you’ve built and the friendships you’ve made all start to fall away.
People take different paths. They take different jobs. Communication slows. Then stops. And when you see them again, you no longer recognize the shape of their soul. They are strangers with vaguely familiar faces.
Good friends build lives with spouses. They have families. Which necessitates changes of focus. Leaving the person without a traditional life, like myself, with few points of juxtaposition. You still try. You all still try. But you can feel that point coming where it’ll be a yearly check-in and a promise to get together which never pans out.
Time grinds us all down and those lacking the ability to for new friendship fall faster and faster.
Sometimes I think that my life is a path
Wind and rain and casual travelers
All taken this care worn road
Erasing the lines
Until all someone might find beautiful
Who will find their way
To marvel and dream along my haunted shores
No longer shiny or new
Who will follow to paths ending
Dying on the edge of love
Go home to the empty
To a night filled with silence
“Have a fun weekend”, they say
All I have is this job and these words
Too heavy to bear
These weights forgiven
Tears too heavy
Fall from a single eye
Only one still able to cry
Edge of the map
Here be monsters
I don’t do well in the vacuum of knowledge. Not knowing why’s and reasons and thoughts eats away at me. “I’ll tell you later,” in all its variations is a cancer eating away at me in the narrow dark before the first rays of light. Or the variations of actions taken with no explanation as to why. Both cause their problems.
I know that I don’t express it. I know that I accept what information is given and keep going. But what else can I do? Demand more information than they are willing to give? Life isn’t so easy.
And I find myself in a predicament where my skills and experience is not easily seen. And I’m not the best when confronted with questions I haven’t thought about. Unless it’s asked by someone I trust, then it’s honesty and Intuition. So how do I sell my skills which are not evident by degrees or certification when I need a few minutes alone to formulate a response.
I don’t know what to do. I keep going forward with the gnawing feeling of impending failure and the thought that success might be just as bad. Looking for a way sideways or out but not finding it.
And still, those thoughts that more information would make me feel safe permeate and batter defenses which isolate me even more.
My playlist sings of loss
Pull up favorites
Spin the wheel
Dance in hopes dashed reverie
Shuffle foretells misery
Like it reads my heart
Empty suffused darkness
Distilled in smoke stained notes
Each record clicks in place
In modern sacrifice
Mired in the present
Like a maze with no exit
And blood drenched wrong turns
Dead ends decorated by bones