My hope for the future

For me, my day to day application of being a Sir is to aid those in my care. They aren’t my claimed submissive. It’s been a long time since I’ve had someone who was that. And I do miss it.

But, still, the people in my care receive the watered down version. The guide instead of the commander. While both have their place, I only display the guide without prior explicit consent.

Sometimes that is enough. It has to be enough. Because there is no one clambering at my gates demanding to submit to me. And I’m without romantic relationship right now. I no longer play just to play. I find it empty. I need the care and connection to care. To take care of my submissives needs, even in play. Otherwise it’s just robotic going through the motions, push this button, get this response.

I have no use for that. I don’t feel connected when it’s just sex. For me, that’s not a thing. I am way too far into my head for that to matter. But seeing the delight, the fear, the pain, the pleasure of a partner? Of my good girl or boy? That is worth something. That has meaning. Everything else is just mechanics. And that is ever what I look for. Not just a play partner but a real partner. Nothing less is worth the pain.

Fall is good thinking weather

I hate going slow. In a relationship, I should clarify. I know I should learn to deal with it and I’ve really gotten much better about it. And I should clarify again that I consider any interaction that involves deep conversation a relationship. In the sense of growing levels of interconnectivity as the interactions spiderweb and one becomes enmeshed. I like the enmeshing portion, it’s what tells me that we, whether it be a friend relationship or a romantic relationship that this might last. If I’m important enough to make the acquaintance of friends or family then the relationship seems more stable to me. And stability and clarity is important to me. Better to start exploring the possible from a stable framework. A friend told me that she expected that from me. That I would want to be certain in my speech and make sure that I am well understood because I am a Dominant. I suppose I never thought of that. Because when you swim in the sea, you don’t really think about the water. But she’s right. If we understand each other we can be comfortable. If we are comfortable, we can explore and be the best version of ourselves easier.
But still, I hate going slow. Even though I know it’s a more stable path. I’ve lost too many people to sudden things. Not just Morgan, but other people too. That makes me feel rushed. But I need to take a breathe and slow down. Very few people feel comfortable with fast, and if they do, many see fast as temporary.

Making too much of this?

If I say something complimentary, I’m not being sweet or nice. I’m being honest.

If I do something, usually I expect nothing in return unless it is part of a exchange. Again, that isn’t me being nice or sweet. That is me acting as my internal honor and rules dictate.

I can be generous and kind to those I care for, but nice or sweet? That’s not me. Am I wrong? Is that what society sees as sweet or nice?

Ask anyone who knows me, nice and sweet are not words they would use to describe me. It may seem I am making too much of this. But I won’t be dishonest. Even by allowing a misconception.

Again, that’s not me being nice either. That is me adhering to my honor code.