Relationship Games

I suppose it comes down to this. I am willing to play games, to see if a relationship with you will be worth it, but at the end of about a month I’m done and I want to know what we are doing. I’m ok with fun times and casual whatever. But I want to know that is what we are. And I will keep looking if that is all that you want. But the games stop. And if you decide that you just want to be good friends, brace yourself for a bit of culture shock.  I don’t treat my friends, even my good friends, the way that I treat lovers and potential lovers. Not that I treat them badly, but they get less of me.  Less of my time, less of my attention, just less. I’m perfectly willing to be friends with ex’s but I find that they don’t want that, not really.  When they say they want friendship, they mean they want the same level of access as I give lovers, but without actually being with me.  I don’t do that. It is unfair to the people who are with me. And before you think I am cheating on anyone, no,  I don’t do that.  I am not exclusive with anyone, their choice.  I prefer inclusive polyamory. But I can do exclusive, just no one ever asks for that with me.  Perhaps I should be a bit offended, or not, who can say?

Dream on a lazy Sunday

I dreamed I was living in the City. This time it was a combination of New York and Seattle. I was on an extended vacation. I had been spending more and more time there. I was there with my friend KJ and with Jessica, who was in my last dream. KJ and Jessica were living there. I was there for 3 weeks. I was crashing with Jessica because there’s no way I afford a hotel for that long. We would talk and hang out. We were at a open floor bar having mojitos, my favorite vacation drink. I confessed my intention to move to the City. Jessica told me about a job interview where the position was with a small company. The boss was the interviewer and he was a oversharer. He was demonstrating his singing for some reason and she laughed with incredulity. He got red faced angry and kicked her out.
She said it was expensive to live there. We drank our drinks and walked out. I glanced away for a second and they were both gone. KJ, I expected him to wander off. But when she disappeared it like I became lost in the city minutes before I had felt at home enough that I wanted to stay. Then my calf siezed in a Charlie horse and I woke up.

Black sand beaches

There’s a hole in my heart
From it spills sand
Draining across oceans
Bringing me to you
I wander
I seek
I find you
But not you
They each shake their head
And walk away
Taking with them bits of sand

There’s a hole in my heart
And I can’t find you
Perhaps you will wander to me,
Looking for a place to stay

Brighid’s Eyes

This is the recording of the song Brighid’s Eyes.  It is the song that got me into songwriting and really started me back on the path of writing Poetry. This is only the vocals.  The Backing is written for a bassist with space for another instrument but I haven’t been able to coordinate with my bassist to record it.  To be fair she is in 2 other bands one of which is getting a bit popular locally. Check them out here if you are interested: https://www.facebook.com/heartlessbartons/

Anyway this is the Song:

Companionable silence  etc 

I think I’ve posted a poem exactly, almost,  like this one.  I still love this woman.  Her situation hasn’t changed but I foolishly hold out hope that she will make a choice that changes it.  I think that is stupid of me.  But I don’t want to lose her.  Being beside her is often enough.  That’s so rare.  But I know I need more.  But I will hold on to us as long as I can.  

Dream

I had a dream last night. I was living in London but not real London. It was the dreamscape I refer to as the City. It’s based on a amalgam of cities I’ve spent time in. DC, New York, Seattle and Phoenix. But the whole time we were calling it London and making comments about Britain. There was a subplot of looking for/running from something. That is general anxiety. But the over notes were me as observor of these friends of mine living their lives and having fun. I’m on the periphery. Offering advice and comments, jokes. And we all occasionally have sex. Singly or in groups. It’s all very companionable. It’s like these are the people. That goes on for half the dream. I then notice someone who I know in my actual life is on the periphery as well. And this is odd because it’s not any of my current people I’m courting. We aren’t dating, aren’t seeing each other, it’s something more than friendship, and I am looking to have it be more, what else do I call it but courting? Anyway, it’s this woman Jessica whom I have always been attracted to and who has always been interesting. It’s odd because I haven’t seen or even interacted with her in years. We all as a group go to the Bookstore. Which in my mind is a good place filled with great memories and also books, so Sqee. She’s on my left side and we are looking through the books and I invite her to an opera. I like opera, never actually been to one but my dream self doesn’t seem to have that problem. I ask and she says, wonder of wonders, yes. Now to put this in context we met years ago when she was seeing someone else. It was never the right time for us. If there even could have been an us. And here she is in my dream, we are planning a date together, which is my preference. I like collaboration not dictation. Her elbow is touching mine. A prolonged contact. Deliberate. We pick an opera and I wake up. Weird.

Soiled paper plates

I am not just a fantasy
I’m flesh and blood and flaws
I’m missteps and mistakes
The things that make me unreal
All hard fought for
Hard won
At the expense of other things
Don’t make of me perfection
It will never last