This is a crunchy song with some stonky riffs. And the male singers voice is Tom Waits-esque
Author: Pelgris
Closets are for clothes
I don’t want to be your secret but rather your celebration
a love that’s hides in shadows
Is as false as the lies that you tell to keep us separate
Separate from your ‘normal’ life
Your family wouldn’t understand
How nice for them that you consider their feelings instead of my own
Your friends would not accept this
Well, some friends you have that would reject you for love
This is fear
Base fear
Your joy is worth the loss of people who wouldn’t love you if they knew you
I am worth the peril of walking unfettered in daylight
You need not face it alone
Or fear can embrace you, hold your heart and kiss you. Because it will not be I
Behind the bedroom door is for specifics
For the rest
I’ll not be your secret
Rather crowed from the rooftops
Than whispers and sly looks
Cause, honey, everyone knows already.
You are just letting them define the narrative
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Song of the Day
Heavy and dark, driving and deep with a beautiful video
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Much as I rail against it…
I have hope.
I’ve actually been very lucky this last year. I’ve had some amazing opportunities and, though they didn’t work out, they have made me realize that I am someone who others value and want to spend time with. I’ve spent a good portion of my life feeling like a failure. That by my failure to see the future, I don’t deserve to have a future. It’s been a long road from that to now. And I’m really a better person for that journey. I’ve learned how to work through and cope with major heartbreak. I have found love for some and with some amazing people who I hope will be in my life as I journey forward. I’m still looking for my romantic partner or partners and know that there is a chance when I thought it would never be possible.
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Not all dreams rise(audio)
Half cast shadows shift in the broken light
Stop motion shades flit from open doorway to open doorway
Huge rusted hinges showing where vault doors once hung
Fear hangs like grease in the soft twilight air
The man shaped thing strides through his city
Draped in the cloth of forgotten night
Wet air bubbles and shifts like touching a hot skillet
The doors are open
The cane by his side bends and shifts
Once a staff, once a blade
He thirsts
But his city lays barren
Patches of green
turned brown and wilted
dot the hanging gardens
A testament to what was and what may be
In this forgotten city of memory
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How oblivion plays, Extended
Sometimes everything I’ve ever lost comes crashing down and I’m left with this hard physical pain in my heart. It’s not a heart attack. My heart is literally breaking. I wake up from a dead sleep crying with this overwhelming feeling that someone I love is gone and I frantically check to make sure that they are alive and then I realize that it’s her. Morgan. My Morrigan. She’s who is gone. It’s like losing her all over again, but there’s a calming effect too. One that I think I should feel guilty about but only because I don’t. Because, if the feeling is my Morgan being dead, that means it’s not some awful premonition of someone I love, who was just alive, now being dead.
It’s possible it’s an anxiety attack. I tend to only get them when I sleep. The trigger is generally some feeling I’ve been dealing with in the waking world come spilling out past all my defenses.
This happens all the time. I get to the point where I find hope to be pointless. Something gives me my hope back only to shortly thereafter crush it like a bug on a windshield. Like the universe is one massive simulation and I drew the short straw. I don’t know why the moment that I am free and happy something beautiful happens, something beautiful that always falters and leaves me broken in its wake.
I heal faster these days. I learn. I progress. But, I still wish someone would stay. Would embrace me as I embrace them.
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What am I afraid of(audio)
I’m afraid
that today will be the day that I don’t cry
That
Today will be the day I don’t reach out
That
Today will be the day where I feel isolated
That
Today will be the day I can’t see tomorrow
That
Today will be the day that it won’t hurt to think about
That
Today
will be
the day
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A city opens its doors
Cobweb lattice sky
drip sunlight onto open heart
A wall breaks loose
Now the flood
The shakes
Grief bares the blade
Acceptance
Fear
Questions swirl
Each step closer
Closer to joy
Closer to oblivion
Feels right
Feels fast
Fucking scared
A step away from the real
From all I desire
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Seeing with soft eyes and open heart
If it were a year ago, I would be without reservation. I would be full ahead, all in, how to get from here to there hardcore planning and presentation. It is the unfortunate case that the me of a year ago is gone. He had a bit more faith, a bit more naivete(if that term can be applied to someone as old hat as I).
Truthfully, I miss him. He would have stormed the gates of heaven for the hint of what now may be.
That’s not to say that I’m not overwhelmingly intrigued and even hopeful. Just that now, I’m cautious. People have burned me on hoping before. And while I don’t think that will happen here, it may not work out. That would be disappointing but little would change, I think.
I’m cautiously optimistic. I think we have a good shot. But slowly and coming into each other’s lives, not the headlong rush that has been so destructive in the past. In a way, I’m just talking myself into slow. Because the gods know, I’m much more comfortable with jumping.
This as a possibility I would never have guessed. Amazing. The world is still a beautiful surprise.
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Song of the day(hopeful)
In case you did not know, I’m really bad about not being hopeful. I routinely say that I’m not going to let myself be hopeful. But give me a hour or two, it’ll come back around.
Pelgris 