Nightmares are also dreams, part 7

I emerge from the steam of the bathroom and see Tara moving under the covers. It seems that my girls are happy and who doesn’t like that. But Tara has a appointment to keep, so much as I would like to let this continue, I’ll likely need to cut it short. However, I can give them a few minutes.

I walk around the bed, past the side table, and into the walk in closet. The gunmetal tie, the black jacket and black pants are quickly selected and placed on the dressing rack. Now for what Tara will wear…a harder choice. I want her to look fierce yet sexy, to really show her how far I think she has come. I stand looking over the choices. I’m unsure of how best to demonstrate her progress. Then it hits me, something that is in counterpoint to what Jen and the other guards will wear. I find the pale peach jacket with matching peach pinstriped pants. Both cut to fit and with plenty of pocket space. She needs the room to be able to store her blade AND have her hands free should she need to use it. For the shirt, a plain white silk, and a peach pocket square….and suspenders with little pictures of mice and bowls of milk. For shoes…I think the dyed to match suede low heeled boots. Peach is such a hard color to match but it’s Tara’s favorite. But if one piece is peach, generally all have to be.

I can hear the moans drifting in from the bedroom. It sounds like Sara is minutes away from orgasm. And that just won’t do.

I pop out of the closet and say, “Tara, dear, it’s time for your shower…Jen will be by in an hour to take you shopping and you must be ready.”

I hear a muffled response and walk to see what is happening. “Sara, release Tara… Please.”

Sara let’s go of the double handful of Tara’s locks and cranes her own head back to look at me. I can read the frustration on her face telling me that I stopped this just in time. Hell, astronauts on the ISS can probably read that expression. I just beam a smile at my very frustrated wife and waggle my fingers at her.

Tara slides off the bed and walks into the bathroom. She knows better than to step into the middle of this.

“Pel, what the fuck,” Sara asks, exasperation and frustration dripping off her tongue.

I let my face go cold and look her in eyes that have deepened to the color of a sea in storm. Her eyes telling me just how pissed she is.

I watch as the color bleeds out from storm to pale sky. She sees my normally active face go cold and still.

I walk to the bed and grab her arm, pulling her out of the illusion of safety and let her drop onto the hardwood. Stalking around her shocked body, I lean down and say, “Listen, little whore. You are mine to do with as I please. You don’t get a orgasm until I say you do.”

Sara shivers then goes still, sensing the direction Pel is taking her. Her soft reply of, “Yes, Sir,” is all but lost under the sound of the belt snapping sharp against her exposed buttocks.

It begins.

When a storm wakes

Warm flush crimson
Hidden
Fingertips dance a pattern of
Soon, soon
Laying safe in my arms
Pressing warm lips in tentative
Give way to the push of closer need
Actinic fire crashes
Distant and still
So close
No competition for the fission of fire
Tracing its way through my veins
Last part
And the fading taste of amaretto

Fierce kittens, Claws and snuggle

She sits miles away from my touch
Though I see her smile
Hear her infectious laugh
A chortle combined with giggle
Melts me
Smiles erupt across my face
Approach to stand so close
Feel our mingled body heat
But a touch in this place
Must be surreptitious
My ache grows
Day by day
Even a simple brushing of the fingertips
I understand those upper class Victorian novels now
That pent up frustration of a held hand
Have I met you you say in bravado
Smoldering, I respond, I don’t know
Have I?
More and more each day I think
Endless delight
Even in the drop of parting

Definitely needed more sleep

At 2 am I question my value as a person
There’s no poetry in that
Just a desperate attempt to understand
Not even trying to convince myself I’m not
Just wondering why, if I’m valued, I’m also discarded
Say that I’m better than this but really
If I am
Why is the result the same
I can’t even blame depression brain
Because I’m not depressed
Just
I don’t understand
If I’m so great
Deserve to be happy
Am worthy of love
Then why am I sitting alone in my bed at 2am
Wondering why
Maybe I’m not good at people
Maybe my hearts too weird to love
I don’t know
And not knowing is worse
If I knew and had done everything I could
That would be different
But I kinda don’t want to know
Cause maybe it’s just who I am

Slow progress, despite memories

Step
Silence
Step
Shadows
Step
Screaming
Step
Tears
Step
Empty
Step
Pain
Step
Pleading
Step
Lost
Step
Waking
Step
Burning
Step
Breaking
Step
Birdsong
Step
Falling
Step
Learning
Step
Hoping
Step
……..

That Texan drawl

Want that slow sensual burn

To crawl inside your mind

Run my skin over your thoughts

Feel your needs and desires

Granting each in turn

Denying each at my whim

There is no rush

Not looking for the sharp pulse of orgasm

Burn me alive in the feel of your skin

Talk to me about telomeres as I taste your sweat

Quench my control and lead me into frenzy

 

Her sad eyes watch me

Radical revision, straight to the limits, right to the end
Begins a thought discarded
A beat without measure
Wondering where pleasure
But finding only wait
One minute to my ending
I’m always forgetting the frame of the
Phrasing
Harmony without her or me
Rewrite the ending and start it anew
No hope in despair
But in desperation a lightning storm
Darkness reveals what the light is hiding
Infinite stars and possible futures
Day only masks its forgiveness
Night gives its all and we cry out
Anguish from its gifts
Day is so easy when nothing is simply
Kiss me and tell
Numbed by slinking
Not my style to hide
Rather make it all clear
But shadows are not unknown
They once were my home
I can play this game
And not lose myself
Their disloyalty is not relevant to my honor
But obligations are another matter
I work unimpaired but you’ll never see it
Herculean so difficult
Trivial
Long periods of dull punctuated by brief frenzy
And in the end its just a paycheck and the place where I see a Kat
Inclined to write lines and stay up past bedtime
It’s really too late
An hour of sleep ain’t enough
My eyes my flit in too tired fit
But sleep and me are just friends
We don’t see each other each day
But embrace when we meet again

Enduring silence

Want to be warm and asleep next to you
I need you to desire me
Me, not my body, me
I want you to know that when I touch you it’s to affirm to myself that you are real
And when my hands and mouth
Arch your back in ecstasy
It’s because I need your joy to be happy

I live inside my head sometimes so deep that I don’t know how to inhabit my body and it makes me hesitant. Would you welcome a hand trailing up your spine? I don’t know. People want relationships to be easy and I am never easy.

Just want to turn to you and hold you close
Be unselfconscious and lose ourselves in each other
Want to satisfy your every carnal desire
And still boop your nose and call you my girl and see you blush

And instead, I’m alone in my bed
Room chilly
Snuggled under a blanket
Wanting sleeping oblivion
For want of the taste of you

Need to stop waking at midnight

You know what the worst part of beginning to fall in love is? Well, really two things. The first is how fragile it is. You are right on the edge of something and you can sense it coming and maybe you slow it down, hoping you can control it this time(I’ve never been able to). But you also know that at any moment before you begin the fall, it could all blow away like candy floss in a harsh wind.

The second is that, while you try to guard your heart to whatever extent you are able, you know you are at the mercy of another person. And you feel the echos of the past, reverberating forward. All those times it didn’t work out.

And you’re afraid.

People who haven’t been looking for a while don’t know what it is to find and love and lose, over and over again.

Or if you remember, it is through a haze. Or maybe you don’t overthink it.(I envy you that).

But, I’m afraid. Not of before or while. But of the potential for after. I’ll do whatever I can to not have an after. Though, usually, there is nothing to be done that I’m not already trying.

I try to spit in the face of my fears. To do what I fear. But this existential dread at 2AM. It’s hard to face.

Getting ready for work in the too quiet

I retreat from the world into sleep every time I feel that liar in my head telling me that I’m not worth the relationships I have. That it’s no wonder that I’m alone. This litany of, I want to say lies, but I’m in it right now and I can’t say whether or not there is some truth to it. I mean I feel the weight of it. How could the people I lean on not feel that weight? And they have their own worries too. I hate adding to them. So I usually sleep and I feel better after doing so. But today I can’t do that. I have been up since midnight and I need to get ready for work. And I’ll probably be fine once I’m there and the armor goes up but it doesn’t go away and sometimes it breaks free. In these moments before I get ready, I think that I need a vacation but that’s just time alone in my head and that’s what I have now. Except, I’d get to sleep and yearn for even the limited connection that coworkers bring.

I guess most days I try to do a better job of being the man Morgan needed than I did when she was alive. If I was who I am now, she’d be by my side. And other days I think she was the only person who wanted me and look how I fucked that up. And I know it’s bullshit and that I did what I could but it doesn’t feel that way.

I think about how, if I’m this better person, why do my relationships never make it past that heady rush of the beginning months? Why do I feel the same and why do they not want me?

I feel like I’m flailing about just trying to move forward and I worry that I sometimes feel like an open wound. I hear my friends telling me that they want me around.

I don’t know what I’m trying to say. Just that I’m tired and want to sleep and I’m tired of finding people and losing people. Is the fault in the choice or the execution? I try to be less “I love you” now. Because I say it too soon?

Maybe they think it’s desperation or a projection of need? But my pain is knives turned inward. My perception and standards remain intact. I know how I feel. It’s just experience tells me that that doesn’t matter. No matter how much you love someone, they leave you. Better they know now, before it’s too late.