Getting ready for work in the too quiet

I retreat from the world into sleep every time I feel that liar in my head telling me that I’m not worth the relationships I have. That it’s no wonder that I’m alone. This litany of, I want to say lies, but I’m in it right now and I can’t say whether or not there is some truth to it. I mean I feel the weight of it. How could the people I lean on not feel that weight? And they have their own worries too. I hate adding to them. So I usually sleep and I feel better after doing so. But today I can’t do that. I have been up since midnight and I need to get ready for work. And I’ll probably be fine once I’m there and the armor goes up but it doesn’t go away and sometimes it breaks free. In these moments before I get ready, I think that I need a vacation but that’s just time alone in my head and that’s what I have now. Except, I’d get to sleep and yearn for even the limited connection that coworkers bring.

I guess most days I try to do a better job of being the man Morgan needed than I did when she was alive. If I was who I am now, she’d be by my side. And other days I think she was the only person who wanted me and look how I fucked that up. And I know it’s bullshit and that I did what I could but it doesn’t feel that way.

I think about how, if I’m this better person, why do my relationships never make it past that heady rush of the beginning months? Why do I feel the same and why do they not want me?

I feel like I’m flailing about just trying to move forward and I worry that I sometimes feel like an open wound. I hear my friends telling me that they want me around.

I don’t know what I’m trying to say. Just that I’m tired and want to sleep and I’m tired of finding people and losing people. Is the fault in the choice or the execution? I try to be less “I love you” now. Because I say it too soon?

Maybe they think it’s desperation or a projection of need? But my pain is knives turned inward. My perception and standards remain intact. I know how I feel. It’s just experience tells me that that doesn’t matter. No matter how much you love someone, they leave you. Better they know now, before it’s too late.

5 thoughts on “Getting ready for work in the too quiet

  1. Scarlet A. Rhiannon August 1, 2018 / 4:47 pm

    Because they can feel you haven’t forgiven yourself and have no intention to. It weighs you down like a thousand cinder blocks. People with discernment can’t breathe. You need peace.


    • Pelgris August 1, 2018 / 5:03 pm

      Forgive myself for what exactly? For my failure? I failed. I won’t call it accident or say that I was without fault. I do not believe that the world needs another person who forgives themselves for their failure. If that is harsh, well, I’ve never claimed my path to be less than one that is harsh. There is weight, yes. But every day I grow a bit stronger. And eventually, I will carry the weight of it and it will be as if a feather. And at the end, I will be a better man for it. We all carry burdens from our pasts. For some, the best course is to lay those burdens down, because they were forced on them, because it is through no true choice of their own that they took the path they took. For myself, I gave Morgan permission to go, and not just that but in the throws of an argument I told her to go alone. I sent her into danger without the shield of me. For that there must be fault. I can’t explain it, other than as I have.

      And, truly, even if I did forgive myself, peace is not my path. Only through struggle and strife can we be remade.


  2. Scarlet A. Rhiannon August 1, 2018 / 5:09 pm

    For letting her go to him.
    You’re not noble in some way for your eternal suffering. We’re all suffering. The point is to not suffer. Which requires forgiveness and letting go. You’re better than this bullshit you keep feeding yourself. I know you can be.


    • Pelgris August 1, 2018 / 5:21 pm

      If you had known me as little as 2 years ago, you would see that I am healing. Am getting better. Is it the easy path? Probably not.


    • Pelgris August 1, 2018 / 5:24 pm

      And I’m no martyr complex to think that suffering makes me noble.


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