Need to stop waking at midnight

You know what the worst part of beginning to fall in love is? Well, really two things. The first is how fragile it is. You are right on the edge of something and you can sense it coming and maybe you slow it down, hoping you can control it this time(I’ve never been able to). But you also know that at any moment before you begin the fall, it could all blow away like candy floss in a harsh wind.

The second is that, while you try to guard your heart to whatever extent you are able, you know you are at the mercy of another person. And you feel the echos of the past, reverberating forward. All those times it didn’t work out.

And you’re afraid.

People who haven’t been looking for a while don’t know what it is to find and love and lose, over and over again.

Or if you remember, it is through a haze. Or maybe you don’t overthink it.(I envy you that).

But, I’m afraid. Not of before or while. But of the potential for after. I’ll do whatever I can to not have an after. Though, usually, there is nothing to be done that I’m not already trying.

I try to spit in the face of my fears. To do what I fear. But this existential dread at 2AM. It’s hard to face.

What a step on the road may herald

What words do I speak when all words turn about and about to face towards you
like power lines running beneath the surface carrying me forwards
Dying on the vine for the sound of a voice
But choose and choose again,
You are no passing indulgence or forward desire but vital to all
Just a pill and a show and a soul laid bare
Found alive, at the start, at the end
Of long journeys beginning

How I begin

every sigh, groan, yip, shudder is my prize
fingers inside you, exploring the velvet wet,
my muscular tongue spelling out pleasures, bucking,
contracting around the fingers of my dancing hand,
just the start,
one orgasm merely tells where your nerves best crave,
know every inch of you before the night is done
every vanilla variety
for then the pleasure can really begin.

Come on hot, to leave you cold

Will you endure the horrible weight of my attention
Come on hot, to leave you cold
My worries fraught with tension

I am Lenny and you the bunny
Perhaps it’s best to run. 

My insecurities writ in permanence
My words are bound to creep.
I need an unsend button for my life.
Look past it all in patience, I implore
I’m not good at this