Pages and pages of silence
Sink down to bones
Simple smiles and “I’m alright”
Harsh intake, razor lungs
Ragged and bleeding
This
And
This
And this
Last chances
Read in the falling snow
Month: June 2017
Song of the Day
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What I want more than anything
What I want more than anything is you.
Have we met?
Am I waiting for you or you for me?
If you know, tell me. I dislike waiting.
I’m looking but not looking.
Not seeking but open.
Not persuing, except in dreams, and how to tell one dream from reality.
I can feel you in the world or is that my heart beating, resonating to a frequency you feel as shivers down your spine?
Have we spoken and I or you said something in our head which, if said aloud would have made all the difference?
Is it better to speak as if there is no tomorrow that matters excepting those seconds that pass while in your heart?
This eyeless sense of love moves me like a blind cave fish seeking warmth.
Or am I merely deluded, and is the delusion that love exists and waits for a word mere delusion or a hope?
And is a hope better than the truth of lonely nights?
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Minutes, wind and wistful
Heat slips into veins
Heart beating in time with the trickle pulse
Of desulatory wind
Welcome arms as old lovers
Embrace to catch the sun
Light shivers and moans
Bare skin burn
Thrust hopeful into embrace of day
Foreknowledge speaks the coming night
Tears break ranks
Falling to the thirsty earth
Moon and stars rise
High waters drown the light
And I
Forgotten
Sleep
Bereft of touch
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What’s born in darkness sometimes finds the light
Bathe me in the glimmering dark
A breath
Away
From death
Sing me your praises of fallen nights
A drink
Away
From drowning
Kiss me your kindness
A dance
Away
From waking
These dreams I’ve lost to living
These words rasp out a life
Trouble chase but I’m not running
I’ll wield the blade of strife
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What do you say…
What do you say when all the words have been said
When the sound of your footsteps walking away seem to echo
What do you say when you are still hopeless, still deeply, deliciously, precariously, in love.
When you tell them every day but only in your head because they are gone but in a maybe temporary way and your heart can’t let go.
What do you say?
Love is a conundrum, a puzzle I can’t solve, a path you cannot walk alone.
Are you so present in my head because of my feelings? Is it metaphysical and our tie is feeding back to me your feelings? Are we just fools? Me for loving, you for silence?
Or am I only allowing the deep river of my feelings to cloud what is real?
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Thoughts on sex and love
Sex can make you feel wanted, make you feel desired. It can bring pleasure and pain. It can make you feel something when you are consumed by nothingness.
But it’s empty. If they are gone in the morning. If there is no connection beyond the physical. If physical compatibility is all you have, then you really have nothing.
There has to be more. I know, from a cismale that’s blasphemy. Believe me, that standard fucks with our brains more than you know. The thought that sex is supposed to be the goal. It’s really unhealthy and it’s pervasive. And it’s false.
I have never felt so empty than after a ‘fun’ and meaningless hookup. Doesn’t matter if it was vanilla or something more. Empty. If it was BDSM, at least there’s aftercare. But it’s not enough.
I want breakfast and discussions. And shared time and laughter. Sex should draw us together. Make us more connected. Not obliterate connection.
My days of pointless wandering are over. I was only ever trying to fill the empty well of her passing. And, as I wake now, seemingly too late. I realize all that drowning in physical pleasure was just a mask for the deep pain of loss.
I seek better. I hope for better. But I fear that I have been lost for too long. That those who would accept me, are no longer available to me. They’ve found their lives and loves. Or stand broken, and unwilling to take a chance on someone who was broken too.
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Love is a savage thing that cannot let me go
How many times can I say I love you only to be met by silence?
Is it the words you don’t want to hear or is it the emotions?
Do you believe that I must be lying?
Do you believe that telling me that you won’t ever feel that way will make me leave?
I know you don’t feel that way for me.
I can’t help how I feel.
I’ve tried destroying it.
Tried suppressing it.
Tried drowning it.
But it’s always there.
And, even if you told me that you hated me, that you never wanted to talk to me, never see me, never, never never…
I would be silent. Would never contact you, never be there. Because I respect you. But if you need me, you can say and I’ll be hurt. But I’ll help. Because I can’t stop loving.
It’s my fatal flaw.
Of course, if I’m with the person who loves me as I love them. All you’ll receive is my aid, my advice. Just because I can’t stop loving does not mean I’d ever hurt a person who I love for you.
My heart is a fool, my soul dances to his tune, and my mind imposes what order it can.
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My idea of a perfect date
We sit together in a nice spot with waiters and quiet. Drinking coffee and texting each other. Smiling and holding hands. Occasionally talking. Maybe just reading books together and sharing this great passage that we read. Maybe putting up our phones and kissing like the world has fallen away and only you and I exist. We only leave when we can no longer stand the minutes of being separate and we go to whoevers place is closest. Where we start the dance again until we are both comfortable. Maybe kissing and talking is what we do. Maybe sharing our music and a exploration of lips. We explore each other. That is my perfect date.
I’m a physical person. But I’m also reticent at first. And I enjoy the quiet moments and little truths. A date will always include touching if I’m enjoying it. Because when I touch, my mind encapsulates the memory and it is with me forever. In perfect clarity.
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A winter storm in summer
My heart hurts today
Because my love is eternal
Because she cares for me more than I know
But doesn’t love me
And I can’t find my way to keeping her out
Don’t want her out
Just want her to stay
To walk in my secret places
And know she is home
Pelgris 