I sometimes buy little things that I know that the person I give them to will love. As an expression of my heart. Because my medium is words and everyone is always saying ‘don’t listen to what they say, listen to what they do’. But what I do IS words. So sometimes I buy and give someone I love something to demonstrate, yes I know you. Yes I’m watching. Of course, my words are all around them too but little things to show my presence.
Month: October 2016
Minor chord changes
Long slow pains
That draw forth like a spool of wire
Abrading edges
Built raw and weeping
Distance burst but burning
And the slow chortle
Crossing thresholds
For doors rotted open
Hopeless by the hour
Giving way to sleep
Refuge turned sour
Even here is empty
Debris strewn
Sobs echo from quiet
Corners
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Emotional shotgun: October edition
I dislike the advice to stop looking for love. Work on your self and it will find you.
Bullshit.
I have been working on my self, consciously, since I was 12. I have a good grasp on who I am and what I want. I’ve had and lost love. I find connection, in one case profound connection, with many people. And they are with someone else, or they pick me up then drop me like a rock they’ve grown bored with, or that’s not what they want/I’m not what they want. And on and on. And platitudes are useless. They are what you say when you have nothing real to say.
I’m just drained and tired of finding and loving and losing. I’m tired of being lonely. Of not being with, even just holding the hand of any of the people I love.
And I wish I could say tomorrow will be better or different but, really, will it? I’m sick of looking to tomorrow. Waiting for the right time is worthless. There is no right time. There is only now. But again and again I brave the depths and each time I’m crushed by them.
And this all just so complicated. To love people who have left, to love people you can’t be with, to love people you can speak with but never touch, to love people who don’t want romantic love with you. It’s all just this endless ball of scream.
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Empathy cuts sharper than blades
Is it as painful for you as it is to me to watch a relationship falter? To watch it fail? I don’t mean from abuse or betrayal, that’s something else entire. No, I mean from missteps, from mistaken interpretation, from inaction, from neglect. Watching it all unfold and being unable to act. Because this is completely personal and I am on the outside. I can’t say something because I am not a good enough friend to say something. But it tears me up to watch it. I want to help. To show them what I see, but I can’t do that without trust. So I’m relegated to a watcher role. Helpless as it falls apart.
I know I’m not great at seeing the same fault lines in my own relationships. But maybe that’s because a little suspicion, in that case, is more destructive than trust. If I trust and it fails then at least I can feel OK that I acted in good faith. If I give in to my more cautious mind, then at the end, I will always second guess that action. That’s a greater burden than the truth.
Maybe that’s why it’s so painful to watch in others. I just want to shake them and say, share what’s in your heart. It may hurt but you’ll rarely feel so hurt that you don’t heal. Doubt and regret are worse than loss.
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Past, Present, and Future
I am very used to referring to Morgan as the love of my life. Even my phone has seen that phrase so often, it predicts that phrasing. I think I need to put that aside. I think I need to say she was my first true love. Because, I am still alive. And it is not fair to anyone I love in the future to feel like they contend with a memory. Because they don’t. I love the people I love for what they are. I don’t compare them to her. I, frankly, don’t understand why I would. They are not her. How could I, in honesty, compare them? If I love you, it’s because I see something in you that is worth the pain, the price I always pay for that love. And I hope, that if you, whomever you are, give me a chance, I hope you will love me as I love you. But, as the song goes, I would never say I love you dear, just to hear you say it back.
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Song of the day
https://youtu.be/a6yaNyeogvM
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Sleeping
The point at which all dreams fall apart
Time runs out behind me as life unspools
Forced by failure
By falter
Forsaken by all I would hold close
Forgotten on the black sand shores of memory
Slipping away even from self
A sleep away from without you
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Song of the Day
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7 words, 7 sentences
The truth, you are worth loving.
Love is worth pain, I love you.
An immortal connection, perhaps it’s not enough.
But if it’s not, I’ll wait forever.
Lifetime after lifetime I will find you.
There will be a time for us.
Even if it is not this one.
Pelgris 