Emotional shotgun: October edition

I dislike the advice to stop looking for love. Work on your self and it will find you.

I have been working on my self, consciously, since I was 12. I have a good grasp on who I am and what I want. I’ve had and lost love. I find connection, in one case profound connection, with many people. And they are with someone else, or they pick me up then drop me like a rock they’ve grown bored with, or that’s not what they want/I’m not what they want. And on and on. And platitudes are useless. They are what you say when you have nothing real to say.

I’m just drained and tired of finding and loving and losing. I’m tired of being lonely. Of not being with, even just holding the hand of any of the people I love.

And I wish I could say tomorrow will be better or different but, really, will it? I’m sick of looking to tomorrow. Waiting for the right time is worthless. There is no right time. There is only now. But again and again I brave the depths and each time I’m crushed by them.

And this all just so complicated. To love people who have left, to love people you can’t be with, to love people you can speak with but never touch, to love people who don’t want romantic love with you. It’s all just this endless ball of scream.

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