The long journey between death and life, trapped on the road

If I could see the future, I’d see it with you
If I could walk any path
It would be to you
I have walked so many roads
To falter some
Here
If there were but a glimmer of you
If I could see with the clarity I’ve searched for
Looking in the darkness
For the glimmer of you
I can’t stop looking
You are there
I know
And though I lose hope
And though I cry
Still
I’ll wake
And find the strength to find you
I hope
Before the end of my life
To hold you in my arms
To know the peace of our love
And if I fail
Never will I quit
Life is but a door
I’ll walk through them all
To find you

Emotional shotgun: October edition

I dislike the advice to stop looking for love. Work on your self and it will find you.
Bullshit.

I have been working on my self, consciously, since I was 12. I have a good grasp on who I am and what I want. I’ve had and lost love. I find connection, in one case profound connection, with many people. And they are with someone else, or they pick me up then drop me like a rock they’ve grown bored with, or that’s not what they want/I’m not what they want. And on and on. And platitudes are useless. They are what you say when you have nothing real to say.

I’m just drained and tired of finding and loving and losing. I’m tired of being lonely. Of not being with, even just holding the hand of any of the people I love.

And I wish I could say tomorrow will be better or different but, really, will it? I’m sick of looking to tomorrow. Waiting for the right time is worthless. There is no right time. There is only now. But again and again I brave the depths and each time I’m crushed by them.

And this all just so complicated. To love people who have left, to love people you can’t be with, to love people you can speak with but never touch, to love people who don’t want romantic love with you. It’s all just this endless ball of scream.

Granular

Sand gives way
each step burying deeper
unnoticed until I can no longer move
shivering from the lack
simple steps that would have led me to you
did I have the path
or the faintest knowledge of who you’ll be
always a falter away from discovery
from the last to the beginning
simple acknowledgement of skills forgotten
on this long journey to middle of nowhere
lost on the road to you