Most moments are perfect
One bleeding to the next
Just looking to sit and watch the world spin down
And find you
and love you
and be
hope
Improvisational flow
I improvise, I don’t plan except in the broadest of strokes. I taste how the moment feels. I ask myself which action do I desire most, which scares me. If an action would hurt someone I care for, I weigh the consequences if I don’t take it. There are many factors. But it’s like a spinning top. You can choose when, where, how much force. You can setup perfectly and it can still go awry. It is always the factor you haven’t planned for, the unknown or the ones out of your control. So perfection is not attainable. But you can learn to improvise. To dance with the flow of the world. At the end of the day, you can only hope that you lived as beautifully, as open, as you could. That your words, your actions touched a life spinning by and made it better.
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Departure
Wander out past safety
Past warnings and posted notice
Eyes drink in the precipice
The wet heat of your breathe
Bends and sways the small hairs
Your hand slides up my arm
I turn, lift hands up under sweater
My too cold hands meet the fever warmth of your skin
I lean down rubbing my cheek against yours, nuzzling the crook where neck meets shoulder
We move, mouths finding each other
Hand in hand
This next step we take together
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Twirl
Lay your burden down and dance with me
Grasp my hand and press close
Whisper to me of desires unsaid, as we sway and step
Disregard those around us
they are of no consequence
Only you and I exist
Dream of me
of my touch, my voice, my words
Share this world with me
or find new world’s in our kiss
in our eyes
Cry or scream, laugh or squee,
this minute, this moment made manifest
and you, and you.
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Waking from a dream at 4AM
My heart whispers to me, “wouldn’t it be amazing if she comes to us today and says ‘I know you have tickets to the Symphony, why didn’t you invite me’
to which we reply ‘You know why. I am in love with you and I can’t be around you without that knowledge. It would be disingenuous of me to ask you to go without you knowing that I want more than just friends. It’s painful to be around you on anything but that. Are you saying you want to explore whether you have or could fall for me?’
then she would say ‘I’m not sure’ uncertainly, and we would reply ‘
what are you not sure of? I can only promise what I did all those months ago. That I will do my level best to not hurt you. That I will always be honest with you. That I will do anything I can to help you in whatever endeavor you choose to give try to. ‘
and she will look at us with hope and say’ that’s what I want’.”
My brain looks at my heart for a long minute as my heart smiles and fidgets with nervous energy. My brain says “Gods love you, that is a beautiful scenario you have there. But you Must know, it’s not going to happen. She doesn’t have the courage to come to us under those circumstances, and she has made it clear as mud that she’s not interested in us in that way.” My heart replies, earnestly, “But it could happen.” To which my brain just shakes his head.
And this is why I wake and my heart hurts. Because it cannot let her go and I love here enough to forgive and move on past nearly anything. It gets easier to bear the pain of not being with her. Of not talking daily, of not being what we were and what we could be. The pain becomes just a part of my daily burden. But my heart still hopes. It is a fool. I’m a fool for having some part of me that thinks this might happen. But that part is beautiful, even if he is a fool.
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A love supreme
I was listening to A Love Supreme, part IV Psalm by John Coltrane when I left work tonight. Walking through the empty halls, seeing the lights from the cars and my city. Listening to the melancholy, the denouement, the end of this brilliant piece of music.
I see the pairing of this energetic Jazz and the city as character. Made much more evident as I emerged into the night. On the roof of the parking garage, the panoply of lights and the city stretched out like, the Jazz bounding in my ears and heart. I feel a connection to the people of my city. I realize that I love them.
I don’t like most of them, I don’t know them. But at this moment, I am connected to them all, I feel boundless love for them. And as the last strains play, I want for only two things. One more play through of this sweeping music and you.
Whoever and wherever you are. I hope this finds its way to you.
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Hearts beat
All I want is you in my arms
I thought I had found you
each time I am mistaken
So I keep looking, keep finding, keep losing
I’m tired, I’m spent
But my heart still leaps, still yearns, still beats
A little slower now, a little quieter,
Yearning for the soft unguarded moments
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Delusional, maybe a bit stupid
I’m delusional. Thinking that if I can just wait long enough, hold on long enough, you’ll somehow be waiting on the other side of your personal maelstrom. Waiting, looking for me. I don’t know if I can do that. If there were some indication that you wanted me, just not right now, while your traversing the jungle of your mind. I’d probably, look for you. I’d wait. Because right now I can’t stop looking for your smile or a response I know will never come. I’m delusional, not stupid.
I worry when you are not there, hoping you are alright, hoping you feel better, hoping you stay. Even if its not with me. Just stay. This world is worth the time. Whatever rest or oblivion you think is coming, can wait. This time, this place, these people around you, all unique in the universe. Take advantage, find joy, find something that lasts for more than a few hours.
Pleasure is great. Everyone knows I’m an advocate for pleasures dark and light and everywhere in between. But it doesn’t last, you always need more. Find the small moments of joy. The beauty you can carry with you. You’ve made it clear you don’t want me on that journey with you. Which means I’m sad, bleak, bereft but I hope you can find the path to joy without me. I love you enough to watch you walk away. I just want what you are walking to to be everything I would have helped you achieve, every experience and idea I could offer, and whatever the other things I don’t have that you are looking for.
I want you to feel the opposite of what I feel now, eyes blurred with tears. I want that for you. You deserve that joy. Seek it.
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The journey
After Sara was taken, I became a nearly bottomless well of anger and sadness. I tried to fill that hole with sex and control. When that didn’t work, I tried to fill it with anger and blood. That alleviated the constant ache. But did nothing to heal me.
Eric changed all that. He picked me up, healed my wounds. Taught me to love again. But sometimes relationships don’t work out, he left and eventually found M. Eric died in early November. I know M still grieves, still rages, still weeps. I miss Eric, but he was not my ‘the one’.
The ‘one’. Not really a concept I believe in. What I do believe is that there are people whose magnetic polarization is the opposite of yours and when you find them, there is a instant connection. Why do I mention this? I found someone who flipped me, someone who felt right.
But after several months, It’s been brought to my attention that what I thought was true, may not be. More, likely isn’t. Effectively they called yellow. And while that could mean that it may work out, somehow I’m not thinking it will.
But I’m hopeful. Because, I have loved. I have been loved. I know who I am. They are worthy of love. So while it hurts, until they call it, I will be there. I’ve known pain. I know I can survive this. It’s difficult, but any chance at love is worth the price.
I hope to always feel that way.
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The day begins
This ponderous waiting, I realize that the day doesn’t begin until she is here. It exists in this anticipation but until she is here, it’s not enough. It is real but not worth its reality. I wonder how I will be when she, inevitably, leaves. The mere thought of without her, nearly brings me to tears. It physically hurts my heart. Yet, I feel safer pondering this as an inexorable collapse than to hold onto hope. Hope that we become something more than hanging out, hope that not just love blooms but that the relationship will work. I don’t want to give in to that fantasy. I don’t want to embrace what might be and never become. I also don’t want to to ever leave her side. It’s why I tell friends that I’m proper fucked. I can’t leave her. Don’t want to be without her. For whatever amount of with her that I am, I will accept. But I can’t stop from longing for more. It is that juxtaposition that makes me so lost.
Pelgris 