Identifying oneself as a Dominant in Bdsm is not about the bedroom door component. If that is all that someone can think about, that’s a red flag. At best it means that they are for fun but are not a relationship. At worst it means that they are an abuser who is drawn to the idea of a “willing” victim.
No. A Dominant creates a mental safe space so that their partner is free to drop the burden of being in control. Of being the person who is responsible for themselves and those around them. It is taking the care to make their hearts and minds feel inviolate. To feel as if they can and will be taken care of.
There are bedroom door aspects but those are private. That is what the bedroom door means.
If someone disrespect your privacy in this regard, either by leaping to a conclusion or ‘researching’ on the internet as a way of attacking what you have said…then it should be addressed as a privacy violation.
I see being a Dominant as being a part of my being. It’s not a hobby or an interest. It is a part of my soul.
It is part of what allows me to navigate through the world. A bedrock principle.
That is why I talk about it. Why I am open about it. Why I write and post about it. Because, to me, hiding a piece of my soul is a wound that will not close. What is hidden cannot be healed. Cannot become strength. Cannot grow in healthy ways.
So I have the talking points of what it means. Publicly. To take care of and give space to someone you love and care for. To give them the freedom to let go of control and just be. Which I know is anathema to some. And I know it’s where misunderstanding creeps in. Because, they can always tell me stop. And stop is inviolate.
It is a way of being and communicating when it is at its best.
But, private questions are private.
There are two primary ways to view causality and its interaction with ourselves.
The first is consequences. A simple linear if/then which covers smaller events. It is what we typically live with. This idea that what we do has an effect which is limited. It coincides with that kernel of selfishness in all of us which decries us the center of the world. What we do effects the world. It even acts in the opposite way to ego. In the belief that we don’t matter. That we are too small and what we do impacts so minimally that our lives are meaningless. This is the egocentric view of the world. It is the easiest way to see our world beyond ourselves and it would be easy to dismiss it. However, many people do not get to this point.
So we must nurture and cherish those who do. They take a step upon the path of seeing. And though they may never step further, they are still more awake than most sleepers.
The second view of actions takes us away from the self and considers the world. We have popularized it as Chaos theory. That if a butterfly flaps its wings and in the distance of the direction of time and space a typhoon occurs. This is big and dramatic and it sticks in our memory. But its wrong. At least in perception.
The second view is repercussions. That an action reverberates like a wave down the lines of causality making real one thing over another.
Put more simply it is that if I buy a sandwich, all the things which propagate outward from that are down to that cause. But that cause is the result of a series of actions and thoughts which resulted in that action. Nothing is alone. Nothing is isolated.
That can, at times, be both of a comfort and a terror.
Be thankful that humanity lives linear lives. What came prior can be examined and learned. And we can choose in the moment what we will do. Sometimes those choices aren’t good ones. Sometimes they are between extremes which we cannot separate from our self. From self preservation. But denial that they existed, is false. Merely that we found the repercussions of those choices to be unacceptable and so denied their existence. This is understandable in the moment of choice. But unforgivable when there is time for reflection.
It is difficult to maintain knowledge of repercussion. In the moment, the best we often get is consequences. But it is essential that we examine in those quiet moments the repercussions. If only so that in the next moment of choice, we choose more wisely.
It is first through the dissolution of self which allows us to become truly individual. When we cease seeing through the singular lense of our ego, when those concepts dissolve, we are free to be our truest selves. Both connected to the all, the totality of being, and as a self defined beacon of being. Found at last, without selfish desire. We are allowed behind the scenes and setpieces of physical reality and instead can experience the endless wonder.
But the most important bit, is to come back. To once again inhabit the physical self, limited, but with a knowledge of the possible. It is in the knowledge of the possible that we can begin to see the impact the all.
In the infinite expanse, sentience may not be unique. But you, the individual you. The truly connected and, most importantly, awake dreamer are. You are unique in all the worlds. Each of us is unique in all of the worlds. Don’t see this as platitude. As opiate dreams for the positivity mindful mafia. Instead, hold a truth inside of you.
Carry it with you. Each day you are aware, is a day that you are perfection. The perfection of being singular. Of being all. Each day which is too hard. Too rough. When external life and the demands it places on us for mere existence. When these things drag you away, dream. And remember. You are more than your shell. Than this vehicle of meat and sinew. Revel in being.
You are alive!
Those glances you’ll never know the cause of
Those whispers you’ll never know the content of
Whips and chains
Driving us to inevitable conclusions in a me centric world
People don’t give a fuck
Those whispers aren’t about you
Those glances are caused by movement out the corner of the eye and evolutionary biases
But we all clamor to be the center of the world even if that attention we get is negative
A justification for our actions
For our selfish acts
When all that’s needed is that moment of freedom that persists between obligations
That moment of acceptance when they smile and you feel that warm down to your toes and along your spine
But we keep persuing those unreachable goals not out of desire but from empty drive
To reach heights that others cannot and look down knowing you are triumphant
Such goals that feed only the jones’ only work for the heart blind fools and the slipshod illness of ego
But still we all want a little something we don’t have
Thinking it’s acquisition will fill some void
Feeding folded paper as if it were wood to the soft flames
Feeling empty and needing one more pill, one more drink, one more Coach bag, one more
Until nothing is enough
Not even food
Not even love
It all pales beside that addiction
Words flee the press of day
All hopes drain out
Until we break
And give up on the old
And start a new life
Inhabiting an old shell
But we are never the same
And old roads can never be tread
The future calls
And the endless possible
Free from more ambition than a beautiful breath
Choices to be made
On some level, I think we are all seeking for that person who will see us and accept us and know us bone deep and still wants to be a part of our lives. We all want to not be alone. And the people who seem to know this, are also the ones who have the hardest time finding someone.
It’s like consciously trying to swim. You paddle your feet, you cup your palms, you move your arms but still, you can’t seem to really swim. Because swimming is a physical, in your body, thing. And you can’t be one hundred percent in your body if you are thinking about how to move it.
And you can’t find that person who connects with you because it’s such a complex thing that you can’t set up a situation or plan a life that leads you there.
You can only be one hundred percent your self. And stop hiding. If you are hiding, you aren’t being.
And I’m aware that sounds like bullshit but give yourself a free pass to not be cynical. Not be practical. Give yourself a free pass to be free for just a minute.
The only thing you can do is be genuine. Let people see you.
I can’t promise you freedom from pain or that some of those people won’t hurt you, won’t use you.
I can only say that when the moment comes and you are hiding, it will be difficult for the person looking to see.
Life is not what we want it to be
But shapes form from what we allow
It’s not our desires and hopes that tell
But actions taken or not taken
Promises kept or broken
We are bound by chains and shackles we forge ourselves
No Jacob Marley or Ebenezer Scrooge
But links of allowance
We allow things to happen
Because it’s easier
Because we are scared
Because it is inconvenient to do something
All the while telling ourselves that it’s not our fault
That there was nothing to be done
Maybe in the moment the choice was limited
But some road not taken
Some throw of the dice not thrown
Or chance leaped to
Some point led to this choice
Sometimes things are truly beyond our control
The gears of chance grinding away
But mostly we have choices to make
Maybe all the choices are bad but we make them
We advance or fall with the steps we choose
Personally, I choose to fall in love. I choose to act with honor. I choose to keep my word when I give it. I choose to act with an eye to the humanity in us all.
I choose to love when it’s probably a bad idea. I’ve chosen other paths and lives and now I choose this one. This painful existence waiting for my friend, my person. Because a future without her would be spent looking over my shoulder at what might have been. And maybe this is the wrong choice. So I try to make one’s that are generally good while I wait and hurt. But in the end, we all must choose for ourselves.
We can help others if they let us. We can live and love with consent. We can do wonderful beautiful things. But what we must not do is create another link, another shackle waiting for things to get better.
The difference between honor and enlightened self interest is simply this: If placed in a scenario where you had to choose between your wellbeing and following your honor code, enlightened self interest says to act to preserve your wellbeing. Many people who consider themselves honorable, honest people merely have codes that almost strictly adhere to enlightened self interest. But there is always some thing they espouse that varies. Mainly to prove that they are not selfish, contradictorily. And when that point is reached, what decision they make is the one that defines them. Anyone can be good, can be honorable when it is easy, when their code is not tested, when they are not impacted. But to act against your self interest to adhere to a larger ideal, that is the definitive action that echoes forward.
I have a theory that I have seen played out over and over again in my life and in the lives of others. Maybe it’s me seeing patterns where none exist.
Maybe it is a glimpse between the seams.
In every relationship which results in love, there is a test. A moment where everything goes wrong. Some health issue, some natural disaster, some conflict that places enormous stress. How that test is weathered tests the strength of the love.
Some it shatters and the relationship falls apart.
Some it breaks and though unknown the relationship begins to dissolve. It may be mended bit most often it dies under its own weight. Or is buoyed along by complacency and comfortable.
Some it draws closer together. It creates from pain and destruction something new and strong. As it should be, the strongest creation is born from destruction.
This will happen within the first six months. The soft strains of music will begin to play behind the scenes. Each note bending around until the snap and catastrophe. In the silence, the people involved either build their own symphony or off key plucking or yield.
Maybe life is full of such moments. Maybe I’m just attuned to this type and so I see it. Maybe I’m mad.
Just a thought. A possibility.
To exert control over others through direct control is the weakest form of dominance. One should strive to display the virtues you hold as dear. Exert from the self outward. Support, demonstrate, uplift, correct only when doing so is beneficial to the one being corrected. Be honest with yourself as to your desires. But always with control moving forward. My joy is not in controlling others. It is from that control aiding them in their path. Allowing them the structure to become more. It is easy to take obedience. Harder to be a person worthy of it. And that is where the beauty is. You move and they follow, not because you have imposed your will, but because they have chosen to do so.