Those glances you’ll never know the cause of
Those whispers you’ll never know the content of
Whips and chains
Driving us to inevitable conclusions in a me centric world
People don’t give a fuck
Those whispers aren’t about you
Those glances are caused by movement out the corner of the eye and evolutionary biases
But we all clamor to be the center of the world even if that attention we get is negative
A justification for our actions
For our selfish acts
When all that’s needed is that moment of freedom that persists between obligations
That moment of acceptance when they smile and you feel that warm down to your toes and along your spine
But we keep persuing those unreachable goals not out of desire but from empty drive
To reach heights that others cannot and look down knowing you are triumphant
Such goals that feed only the jones’ only work for the heart blind fools and the slipshod illness of ego
But still we all want a little something we don’t have
Thinking it’s acquisition will fill some void
Feeding folded paper as if it were wood to the soft flames
Feeling empty and needing one more pill, one more drink, one more Coach bag, one more
Until nothing is enough
Not even food
Not even love
It all pales beside that addiction
Words flee the press of day
All hopes drain out
Until we break
And give up on the old
And start a new life
Inhabiting an old shell
But we are never the same
And old roads can never be tread
The future calls
And the endless possible
Free from more ambition than a beautiful breath
Choices to be made
On some level, I think we are all seeking for that person who will see us and accept us and know us bone deep and still wants to be a part of our lives. We all want to not be alone. And the people who seem to know this, are also the ones who have the hardest time finding someone.
It’s like consciously trying to swim. You paddle your feet, you cup your palms, you move your arms but still, you can’t seem to really swim. Because swimming is a physical, in your body, thing. And you can’t be one hundred percent in your body if you are thinking about how to move it.
And you can’t find that person who connects with you because it’s such a complex thing that you can’t set up a situation or plan a life that leads you there.
You can only be one hundred percent your self. And stop hiding. If you are hiding, you aren’t being.
And I’m aware that sounds like bullshit but give yourself a free pass to not be cynical. Not be practical. Give yourself a free pass to be free for just a minute.
The only thing you can do is be genuine. Let people see you.
I can’t promise you freedom from pain or that some of those people won’t hurt you, won’t use you.
I can only say that when the moment comes and you are hiding, it will be difficult for the person looking to see.
Life is not what we want it to be
But shapes form from what we allow
It’s not our desires and hopes that tell
But actions taken or not taken
Promises kept or broken
We are bound by chains and shackles we forge ourselves
No Jacob Marley or Ebenezer Scrooge
But links of allowance
We allow things to happen
Because it’s easier
Because we are scared
Because it is inconvenient to do something
All the while telling ourselves that it’s not our fault
That there was nothing to be done
Maybe in the moment the choice was limited
But some road not taken
Some throw of the dice not thrown
Or chance leaped to
Some point led to this choice
Sometimes things are truly beyond our control
The gears of chance grinding away
But mostly we have choices to make
Maybe all the choices are bad but we make them
We advance or fall with the steps we choose
Personally, I choose to fall in love. I choose to act with honor. I choose to keep my word when I give it. I choose to act with an eye to the humanity in us all.
I choose to love when it’s probably a bad idea. I’ve chosen other paths and lives and now I choose this one. This painful existence waiting for my friend, my person. Because a future without her would be spent looking over my shoulder at what might have been. And maybe this is the wrong choice. So I try to make one’s that are generally good while I wait and hurt. But in the end, we all must choose for ourselves.
We can help others if they let us. We can live and love with consent. We can do wonderful beautiful things. But what we must not do is create another link, another shackle waiting for things to get better.
The difference between honor and enlightened self interest is simply this: If placed in a scenario where you had to choose between your wellbeing and following your honor code, enlightened self interest says to act to preserve your wellbeing. Many people who consider themselves honorable, honest people merely have codes that almost strictly adhere to enlightened self interest. But there is always some thing they espouse that varies. Mainly to prove that they are not selfish, contradictorily. And when that point is reached, what decision they make is the one that defines them. Anyone can be good, can be honorable when it is easy, when their code is not tested, when they are not impacted. But to act against your self interest to adhere to a larger ideal, that is the definitive action that echoes forward.
I have a theory that I have seen played out over and over again in my life and in the lives of others. Maybe it’s me seeing patterns where none exist.
Maybe it is a glimpse between the seams.
In every relationship which results in love, there is a test. A moment where everything goes wrong. Some health issue, some natural disaster, some conflict that places enormous stress. How that test is weathered tests the strength of the love.
Some it shatters and the relationship falls apart.
Some it breaks and though unknown the relationship begins to dissolve. It may be mended bit most often it dies under its own weight. Or is buoyed along by complacency and comfortable.
Some it draws closer together. It creates from pain and destruction something new and strong. As it should be, the strongest creation is born from destruction.
This will happen within the first six months. The soft strains of music will begin to play behind the scenes. Each note bending around until the snap and catastrophe. In the silence, the people involved either build their own symphony or off key plucking or yield.
Maybe life is full of such moments. Maybe I’m just attuned to this type and so I see it. Maybe I’m mad.
Just a thought. A possibility.
To exert control over others through direct control is the weakest form of dominance. One should strive to display the virtues you hold as dear. Exert from the self outward. Support, demonstrate, uplift, correct only when doing so is beneficial to the one being corrected. Be honest with yourself as to your desires. But always with control moving forward. My joy is not in controlling others. It is from that control aiding them in their path. Allowing them the structure to become more. It is easy to take obedience. Harder to be a person worthy of it. And that is where the beauty is. You move and they follow, not because you have imposed your will, but because they have chosen to do so.