Stress
Stress ate me up and spit me out yesterday
Thought I was sad but after the 19th, the 11 year Anniversary of Morgan’s death, I felt OK. I never tell people which day we met, when her birthday was, the day we said I love you. I never tell them about the thousand moments and pleasures and discussions we had. Because those are mine. Those are what tells me that love is still possible. That there is beauty and joy in this world. I only tell people about her death, because fuck them! Fuck them! She was the light of my world. She was judged, I was judged by our lifestyle and when a shitbag motherfucking piece of shit took advantage of the world we shared and took her life, her family shut me out. I don’t even know where she is buried. I don’t know if they cremated her and spread her ashes in the Tradewinds like she wanted. So that a part of her would always be in the sky. Watching over those she loved. I don’t tell stories about us, about her because I can’t get 20 words in before I’m crying and my throat closes up. I can talk about her death because it fills me with a cold rage. A control seeps into me and I can function.
But the stress, the knowledge of her sits somewhere in the background. And yesterday, it caused me to collapse. My brain shut my body down. I slept for 16 plus hours. And I write this now as a reminder. Morgan is gone. My love remains. I need to acknowledge that while seeking the beauty and love I know is out in the world. Someone is sitting there and we’ll meet.
To whoever that is, you aren’t competing with a ghost. I know I can love greater and deeper because of my Morgan. I’ll just be sad sometimes. I’ll be destroyed sometimes. I collapsed because I tried to bury it. To hide my pain, to forget. Because that is what people seem to expect. But what people expect has never really worked out for me. I guess I just needed to see that.
future
Crossroads
I’m waiting at the crossroads
Ashiver all with fear
The darkness has long fallen
Something felt draws near
Quiet muffles all
but the pounding blood
Leave me in the shallows
Leave me to the pain
But find me on the morrow
Between the dusk and dawn
Just sitting at the crossroads
Just looking all around
I have loved and I have fallen
Lived and I have dreamed
Just waiting at the crossroads
Waiting to begin
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Daedalus step
Drift and burn
as descending into brittle nightmare
surfacing into dream
out of madness
pain and chance crowd in
giving and taking
as chaos is sown from order
burst through doors made weak
spiral into vortex
wherein choice is denied
as decision was made before the breaking of the world
and it was always you
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Trending future
There is a specific moment that comes in any circumstance when every thing can change. The art is in both recognizing those moments and in knowing what direction to jump. I’ve made some incorrect choices, and failed to recognize some as the moment to act. But I like to think I know what I’m doing now and am more willing to make the jump should necessity exist. So now I can make all new mistakes instead of the ones I now know how to deal with.
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Five minutes ago
3 hours ago
You were crying
2 hours ago
I was concerned
One hour ago
We started talking
Fifty five minutes ago
I held you
Fifty minutes ago
I kissed away your tears
Fourty five minutes ago
You laughed
Fourty minutes ago
I grinned
Thirty five minutes ago
I reiterated my heart
Thirty minutes ago
You demurred
Twenty five minutes ago
I insisted
Twenty minutes ago
You accepted my words shyly, as you have before
Fifteen minutes ago
My friends smiled benevolently as I lost the thread of conversation, thinking of you
Ten minutes ago
I lifted your eyes to mine in fierce possession
Five minutes ago
I learned why you were crying
……….
……….
……….
……….
I spout neutral words
My world is blown apart like a sand castle on Omaha beach
I need to hold you, to tell you everything will be ok
I can’t bring myself to
Everything is different now
This physical and emotional distance
There is nothing I can do but support you
As you make a decision that effects every future
I’m paralyzed between hearts need to insist that you are mine and as long as that is even the tiniest bit true everything will be fine
between my minds insistence that this precarious place I occupied will be pushed aside if not out completely
between my magical selfs seeing of all the branching future’s and the truncated lines
between my empaths need to support your emotional needs
between, between, between
And if this is what I’m feeling, then what must the maelstrom of your heart and mind be
I wish it were as simple as me being your safe harbour
the insistence,
the need for nothing to change
Simple illusion as everything does
…..
…..
but I’ll hold here, I will never walk away from you
hopefully I’ll have words to say
hopefully I’ll know what to say
hopefully
Hope
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Oracle
The razor eases close through skin and muscle
Scraped along bone to the sounds of screaming
Terrified into waking
Find vivid hallucination mimic in reality
Each step slivers of skin and bone
Peel crimson from feet
This path of broken swords
This remembering of future
Leg swings out,
the flash of possible, the choice,
The cost
Paid in blood and pain
This path, this choice, this future
All prices paid, more than worth it
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Tired at 4 am
Only this moment exists. Everything else is either a promise or a dream
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Past is future
What’s funny about the ‘My future choices’ post is this, it is about my future. Not the choices I have already made. Which are to like one person and love another. Those relationship states don’t go away, I’ll just be more cautious with them. I’ll step forward, but I don’t step away if you get my meaning. Just a passing thought.
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My future choices
After so many missteps, I must begin to consider that it isn’t bad luck. I must accept that the people who I am attracted to are hurting in some way. I think because my first love was hurting and I was her strength. Indeed, we drew strength from each other. So perhaps I’m looking for the echo of that relationship in future relationships. I’m not doing it consciously. But I need to exam my attraction more closely. Not because desiring to help is bad necessarily but to do it as an acquaintance or advisor may be a better option for me emotionally. Going forward anyway. Choices made are already made and I must live in the shadow of those choices.
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When it’s time
Are your hands as gentle as your smile, as cunning as your eyes? Do they move with the agility of your tongue? Are they as wicked as your smile?
Whisper to me your desires. Describe each touch, each pleasure. Tell me in crowds. Tell me with friends. Share your thoughts with me. Our secret world, encapsulated in our bodies and these whispers. Cast me furtive glances across the room. Your smile and the duck of your head. Demure when you’re anything but. Let’s find a place away from the crowd, I want the smell of you in my nostrils when I talk to your friends. To look at you with a smile, full of fire and promises. I want them to wonder why you blush so when I say your name. Hold my hand under the dinner table. Watch the fire dance and lean back into me. You are home.
Pelgris 