What I want is not relevant
I am aware of this
No matter what I do or say or write
And I don’t expect it to
There is no epiphany point that I can lead you to
No clarity to be had
What truths exist in my work
Exist in yourself
I write out of need
To bleed the poison in my hurt out onto the page
To remove the disaster from my heart
Sometimes that disaster is from other people
But mostly it’s from my emotional state
And even when it concerns someone else
It’s not ABOUT them
The only case where it might be is in joy
In poem as seduction
But even then
You are the discoverer of your own feelings
I can only hold a mirror up to my truth
What you see in it
That’s beyond my control
This life is a palace of disintegrating walls, breaking down, falling up, being rebuilt, this constantly flowing, litany of times passage, floundering, foundering in the fire of creation, lost amidst the rubble of pain, doubt, and hope
This life is a palace of disintegrating walls
this constantly flowing
litany of times passage
foundering in the fire of creation
lost amidst the rubble of pain
a palace of disintegrating walls
litany of times passage
foundering in the fires of creation
the rubble of pain
The harsh razorblades of words that rush out
carving a bloody painful path through flesh
living manikin cast free of form
to dance in blaze down the overgrown roads of the mind
pain and pleasure warring
roaring to become one
in the dripping pageantry of other minds
while I lay broken and empty waiting
hoping to hear
I would very much like it if a paramour would ask me out. Would say you’re interesting, want to be with me? I’m so tired of choosing and after a time falling and thinking that this person wants me as I want them and being wrong each time. I’m tired of putting myself out there and seemingly wanted then dropped like they grasped a adder. I’m tired of falling for the ones I can’t be with. Tired that only the ones that are safely taken have the least bit interest in me. Tired, just tired. I don’t want to have to be the strong one, the chooser, the asker all the time. It is exhausting.
I thought I’d found her. Got to know bits and pieces over 3 months, told her I was interested in more, that I was falling in love and wonder of wonders she said she was too, 6 weeks later she was gone. Off living her life like I was nothing. This isn’t “beating a dead horse”. This is me struggling to understand. What did I do? What didn’t I do? Was it the way I did it? I NEED to know the why’s. I NEED to know the intricacies. I cannot learn, cannot grow without that information. And in the absence of a long talk with her, I have only the pieces I have. So my mind goes over and over and over again each piece. Attempting to glean new information. Consider me posting a way of clearing out a bit of the debris from the process. Maybe it’s not interesting, maybe you don’t want to see me in pain. But it is necessary. It is how I work through things and come out stronger. Leaving things unexamined in the past, only feels ok in the immediate. In effect though, it’s like leaving unstable unexploded ordinance all over your psyche.
I know it’s not interesting to read. It’s not entertainment. I write stories for entertainment. Listen to one or read Pel and Sara. My poetry is art. I hope to strike a resonant chord. I hope to affect my reader. My thoughts are just that, thoughts. Maybe there will be value, maybe not. It’s all process.
I have a more than 2 year back catalog of poetry and stories like Why or Cubicle.
Hopefully those will tide you over while I’m getting a handle on developments in my life.
There is a specific moment that comes in any circumstance when every thing can change. The art is in both recognizing those moments and in knowing what direction to jump. I’ve made some incorrect choices, and failed to recognize some as the moment to act. But I like to think I know what I’m doing now and am more willing to make the jump should necessity exist. So now I can make all new mistakes instead of the ones I now know how to deal with.
The long road is a song I’ve been working on for awhile now. But its interesting, because most of my songs are autobiographical. However, this one isn’t. This is one that I pieced together from disparate partial lines I wrote during poetry month. Once I found the voice, the cadence and the rhythm, the lyrics fell into place. I just thought that was interesting, the process I mean.
I assess, observe. Always myself, always open, always honest. If I like what I see then I advance. Moving closer to them. Sharing more of myself. Seeking them out more. I only ever move closer. I never pull away. If a relationship breaks and burns it does so at the distance I am from it. I do not seek refuge. I burn as it burns. And broken from it, I do not retreat. I become more. Learn more, be more. And advance. I’ll have my doubts but will always move forward.