I worry. I worry that whatever I am. This creature, this person I have chosen to be. This person I have actively defined by my choices.
I worry that when you finally see me, all that structure and facade will fall away and you’ll be left with what I am.
And all of that is a lie. It’s a lie that my fear tells my heart because it needs to maintain its control. But it is a lie.
I have constructed myself but it was like chipping away at a hunk of marble. I didn’t build a structure on top of a structure. There is no facade. There is just this false feeling of being an imposter. Because if I’m all that I am and then I fail it will be because I was not enough. Or because what I am is not what is desired. And that is my fear. Not that something I’ve done or not done will be the cause of rejection but that despite it all. Despite who I am, I am somehow not what is wanted.
That’s the fear. It’s not that I am an imposter and will be found out. It’s that I’m NOT and despite it all will still be found wanting. And I can’t do anything about that. I can be me. I can show up and put all the tools and processes and everything I am and if it’s still not enough, then we’re just not meant to be. Not meant to click and choose each other.
And seeing that now, I wonder at what I was afraid of? Afraid that I’d be rejected by someone who won’t, who can’t see me? Can’t value me?
There might be pain because I will have invested emotionally but if you can’t love who I am, why should I allow that to hurt me. It should instead free me. And it does
that today will be the day that I don’t cry
Today will be the day I don’t reach out
Today will be the day where I feel isolated
Today will be the day I can’t see tomorrow
Today will be the day that it won’t hurt to think about
So much seems to hinge on circumstance. The turn of a phrase or an action. A misplaced step or a perfectly balanced step. More and more I see the limits of what may be possible as the disadvantage of not being impulsive or not being secure enough financially to take an action or not have enough faith in my abilities to land on my feet. Because, if I did, I would have flown to her when she got hurt. It might not have made a difference but we would know.
Or I would have moved to Texas where, it seems, there is a nexus of my tribe. And that could be a miracle or a folly. But I can’t know at this distance.
Or maybe that’s all delusion and I’m just wonderful words on a screen and in person it would be disaster. But I don’t know, because I can’t think to take any kind of step to bring me to them. Is it prudence or cowardice? Am I so bound in secondary rules that I can’t even go without a strong reason or a invitation?
Or are they just dreams that on seeing we’d all wake up from. I wish I could tell you.
The reality is I’m starting to fall for you. I get butterflies when I see that you liked something and when you comment it makes me feel, about what I posted, validated. It’s not a game. It’s what I feel and I don’t want to play games with you regarding my feelings. What I am is afraid. Not just afraid that if I say something, it will be revealed that I’m reading far too much into things. But also that I may lose someone who genuinely likes my work, because I’ve made you feel uncomfortable.
You asking if it was a game was like a kick to the stomach. It’s not a game. I would never knowingly play with someone’s emotions like that. It’s a action dictated by fear. I only didn’t realize that until something was said. Now that I know I must face it. As I feel I have by publishing a response. Tell me whatever you wish. I wait.
I would say everything
But would I be believed?
I would make known all my intentions
But would they fall on deaf ears?
I would hold you forever
But would you squirm away?
I would love you until the stars burn out
But you would still be far away.
I’m scary, I say things that are forever things. Things that life has taught can be only lies. Nothing lasts forever, nothing but the fear and the loneliness. So I am not believed.
I would demonstrate my heart
Prove again and again, what is written there
Grow with you
But I’m the scary one. Saying pretty things, things your mind whispers, cannot possibly be true.
I wonder when you tell me things what you want to hear? My rational mind, my emotional one, or the part that thinks like a feudal lord? I tend to share what my rational mind says. That part of me is good at advice. My emotional mind wants you to say that you are mine and take confidence from that. But I don’t think you want to be anyone’s. So I can’t say that, not and be available to you. And the feudal part? It wants you. That’s it. If someone challenges you or hurts you in any way it wants to confront them until they back down or shred them if they fail to do so.
Sometimes I think you are looking for me to say what my other pieces are thinking. But I’m shit at reading those situations when they effect me. I would say what all three are thinking but I don’t want to push you away. I want you to want all three. I almost said I want you to read this and tell me but I fear what the answer would be and if it’s all the same I’d like to hold on to hope for awhile longer even if it proves false.
How would you respond if I took you in my arms and held you close? If I softly kissed your lips? It’s the question I ask each time I see you. It’s the question I’m too cowardly to ask. Fearing not that you’d say no, but that you would look at me with pity and say yes. Because even that yes I would take, and enslave my heart to you forever for the slight chance of that act.