The only canvas I have

Only faint syllables flow silk across eardrums
Vibrating words of pleasure and pain
Tremulous touch
Uncertain
Yearning
Caress and imprint memories
Still voice raises
Speaking truths hands fear to impart
When only words can be said
They take the place of lips pressed lightly
And so are seen as inadequate
Hearing only definition and not the whisper
Of soon
You’ll have more than this

Small trace of fingertips on leg

I look at your picked image
And think
Don’t want to bother you
Think
I have nothing to say but
How are you today?
Think
Not today
Hard limit
Most hard limits, easy
This one’s hard
But I don’t have anything to say
Not really
Can’t get you out of my mouth
The touch of skin
Imprinting into my mind
Memories etching themselves into nerve endings
But hard limits
Gotta follow them all
So I sit and write
And like a acid flashback
I’m right back there
Uncomfortable in my seat
Thankfully going numb
Your head on my shoulder
Arm around you
Fingers Tracing desire
Idle
Without any pattern but the moment
The feel of your skin
Feeling awkward
Wanting to turn your attention away
To your lips
To get good at this when glasses get in the way
Rushing because we want that instant
Intense
Memory
Leaves me dreaming
Waking
Looking at your picked image
Wanting to say hello
But hard limits

Dusk falls and he wakes

Slip into the past
Drill bit eyes
Flint shaped soul
Softened by blood
Made whole by a sacrifice of self
Wake clean
Only to get dirty
But this dirty makes me free
No strings
No stress
Make things better by force of will
Touch me to wake me
Memories can’t forsake me
Remember you forever
A form of immortality
Until I lack mobility
But still I spin this story of me
Hoping for an us
And maybe an extended we
But that’s me
Always reaching for the stars
When I’ve yet to leave the earth
Last trip to anxiety
Brush lips, hands held so high
You see
Hope to live up to the hype
Or higher
I hope to deliver
For these few hours
You’re mine
Be explicit
I’m a granter of desire
But bolder in verse than in person
But shake the poet loose
I’ll trace poems across skin
Don’t believe in sin

Journeys begin and continue only with consent

You say you’re innocent
While you fumble manipulation
While you look for my attention
Saying your naive
Knowing that makes me want to protect you
Protect you and take you
Waiting on that yes
Waiting for you to speak
I’m just the freak
Waiting on consent
Before our carnival of sins begins
Yes
I want this
Build
Creative structure
Of pain and pleasure
Until all is undone
Until I’m satisfied
Never
Always wanting more
That next step
That next depravity
At the edge of your desires and back again
Watching your ecstasy
Your whimpers
Your tears
Kiss them away
Each new innocence
Each new horizon
Together
Say yes
I want this
Turn the key
Open the doors
One step away
We’ll start slow
Consent
Or
Good morning, how are you?
Only the gentleman
Only the kind Sir
You’ll never see the barbed wire
Unless you desire
And say
Yes

Love doesn’t stop

The problem with love is that it really doesn’t give a shit if the person you love is tied to another. Maybe this is a my brain thing or maybe it’s something we societaly suppress. In the latter case, it’s still a my brain thing since I’ve cast aside most societal norms, or at least the reasoning behind those norms.

In any case, my brain doesn’t give 2 figs if someone is with someone else. If I see them, if they resonate with me, then I will fall in romantic love with them. Outside of family, I literally have 3 friends who I don’t romantically love. I love them, don’t get me wrong, but I don’t have a positive desire to be with them in any kind of romantic context. But…I have more than three friends. And the rest, I do love in a romantic way. And I find myself slipping deeper into that mindset. It’s why, despite my desire, I must distance myself from some of them. Because, they don’t want to be loved romantically. They may value me and even love me, but not romantically. And I push. Anyone who knows me, knows that I push. Not in a bad way, but I will be more intimate, more caring, romantic than is comfortable. So, in accordance with their wishes and to safeguard my emotional state, I distance myself. I hate it, but I do it.

But, the point is that I don’t stop loving someone romantically because they are with another. I won’t try to split them up. I will, actually try to bolster their relationship if it makes the person I love happy. Because I do love them, and I want them happy. And if that isn’t going to be with me, then I’m going to help their relationship if I can. Maybe that seems like self sabotage. But, I can’t be honorable and harm someone I love for personal gain. That just doesn’t work. And maybe they would be happy with me, maybe happier. But that is their decision. I can’t compromise my values to bring them to my side.

Because, if I did that, I would not be the man they would love. I would be some kind of manipulator. And that is something I will not allow. Sometimes I see the cracks in a situation and it would be easy to widen those gaps. But to do so would be contrary to my code. It would be a fundamental betrayal. I’d rather die alone and unloved than to betray.

We all must live by the standards we set. Failure to do so is evil. It’s a manipulation of our own stated truths and it destroys the people who do it. One compromise leads to another until all that we are lays in ruins. We may have all that we wanted, but it’s ashes.

Need is not a dirty word

 

When I say I need you, I don’t mean I need you to pick up my clothes. I don’t mean I need you to take care of me. I don’t mean I need you to make me dinner.

When I say I need you, I mean your presence in my life makes the sun shine a bit brighter. I mean your presence in my life makes my days pass easier and not quicker. I mean your presence in my life drives my passion and forces my creativity to new avenues and choices.

My need is a thing of desire and joy and change. I need because wanting is lukewarm and nothing in the context of love should be anything but the fire burning.

I need comfort and safety but I need it not as a person or place to retreat to but to strike out from. To experience the vastness of life and still know that together we are safe because with each other there is a place to be without that shifting chaos.

I need you to feed me oxygen and fire in equal measure as I feed you earth and water. Or let us not be bound by needs but feed each other golden apples plucked from an immortal tree and know that as one desires the other will provide.

I need you to disagree with me and fight me because I believe I’m right but I’m often wrong and I trust you to give me the truth. But I won’t believe it. And we’ll make up and a few months later, I’ll say “You were right.”

I need you to be vulnerable with me and let me heal the hurts that I can and hold you together while you heal the ones I can’t reach. I need you to know my insecurities and know that despite them I am strong and will not fail you when it counts.

Need is not a dirty word. It is passion coupled to desire. Put want back where it belongs. I want a salad. I want to drive. I want to have a comfortable chair.

I don’t need those things. I need you.

Rubbing the sleep from too tired eyes

The problem with hunger is that it never really goes away. We can suppress it or turn it to other things but that taste of the thing you desire is never fully satisfied. Only when satiated is it quiet. My inner Dominant sleeps. Unquiet. Distractions abound. Work, computer games, phone games, great conversations, writing, poetry, exercise. But it’s like feeding a ravenous wolf table scraps, only by shear will is it controlled, and that control is slipping. My wolf plays closer and closer to the surface and soon I will bite as soon as soothe or worse turn the beast inward. I need a person to bend for me, bow to me, call me Sir and mean it, and most importantly, stay. Life and the wheel turns. And the consequence to not being crippled by sadness is that I am awake and seeking and the wolf inside drowses lighter and lighter. If I were better at starting relationships I’d go to local munches but I hold back looking for…someone, something more than a connection by lifestyle. Instead, a connection for life and lifestyle. I could no more have one without the other. The wolf will awake. It will happen. Best to have a safe outlet when it does.

A lovers promise

I can inflict upon you such pleasure that lines begin to blur and only your desires dictate which is pain and which is pleasure.
I can make your mind tremble with anticipation of my touch.
With trepidation and luscious full lips.
I can show you a world where only your limits contain you.
Where nothing is forbidden.
Where all pains become pleasures and all sensation serves its truest purpose.
Give me your hand and I will make you mine.
And becoming mine know safety and sin.

Hearts still foolish, even as they break

There’s a part of me that will always yearn for you
though I know you don’t think of me
a part that always wonders what if
though I’m not who you want to see
a part that spins the possibility
though you’re already walking away
a part made of hopes and memories
though it was never me in your eyes

A madness, a sharpness, a bitter kiss

Loved hard, loved true, loved only

Sitting on a bench at the edge of the road
In the last light of sunset

Simplicity itself

It’s simple
I love you
It’s simple
You’re beautiful
It’s simple
We fit
It’s simple

Except its not simple
It never is
But complicated is better
It’s more real

Simple is a dream
The thing we say that
we want before we know
what we want

It’s difficult and messy and perfect for its imperfections.

 I don’t want a fairytale

I want what comes after the curtain fall What comes after happily ever after

I want all that you are
I’m not delusional, I’m just a romantic