A step away

I would dance a thousand lives
Swallow a thousand lies
But I’ll never be with you

The river carves
While we while the time away
Hoping for healing voice
But finding our paths to tragedy

Sin in hopeful tone
Long buried beneath
Traverse travails
Perhaps,  a chance
But
I am lost in the echo

Of remembering

Emotional shotgun

I’ve thought about this often.  Pretty much every day to one degree or another. and I have come to the conclusion that I am just not charming. Sure, if you want to talk about the historical context of economic policies and the spread of religion, I’m your guy. Or if you would like a discussion about how time travel to kill that one historically bad guy would be a disaster, then wow would we have something to talk about.  If you want to get deep into serious discussion, I’m right there.  Or take a silly premise and just run with it.  But that whole witty banter thing, I don’t got. In a big group it may seem that I can, because I’ll interject something and it will cut to the heart of what is being discussed, but pay attention, I will then go silent again. So, I’m not charming. I have weird ideas and off tilt desires. I have virtually no shame and no filter but I’ll only dance in a crowd of strangers or after at least 3 real drinks. I’m not doing a job that screams important or changing the world, so that’s not particularly impressive. Maybe, I’m being unnecessarily cruel to my own self image. The tough part is that what seems unique and special about me seems to only exist in my past. And it is bound up in past relationships which new relationships don’t necessarily want to hear about. I’m off point.

What I think about is this: Shouldn’t it, on some level, be easy? Should not the conversation flow from topic to topic? If you’ve known me for years, then it does. But on first talking? First meeting? Only with 2 people has it been that way, One was recent but for various other reasons failed. The other was because she approached me, she saw me and said, that guy, that guys I want to know. That feeling is immensely empowering, I could go for days on that feeling. I have no real point to this. This is just a confused guy rambling in the early morning hours. I wish that I could say that I just don’t know what I want, or that I’m not ready for a relationship, or I just want to put my work first, or any of a dozen excuses to not be dating or to not even be talking to someone about talking about dating. (aside: Dating is a prelude to a relationship. It is the opening act.) (second aside: I cannot emphasize enough how the statement “I don’t date” is bullshit. Are you seeing someone in any kind of romantic or sexual context?  IT’S A DATE.  and don’t tell me that sex is not a date,  unless you are paying for it, then it’s a emotional entanglement of some kind.)

It comes to my attention that I should be talking to friends about this stuff,  but they are all married.  Have been for years. And they are not poly relationships so what would they know?  Maintaining a relationship, sure,  they have good advice there, outside of that, not so much.

This is all just frustration.  I am genuinely not good at the let’s be friends and see where it goes thing. I want to buy you roses or lilies, lilies are cool. I want to tell you that you are beautiful and that all I want is you to feel safe. I want to be the sappy romantic idiot that I am . But I can’t because that would be too serious.  What is wrong with too serious?  Take a fucking chance. We all have baggage, and I get that it hurts and that you don’t want to be hurt.  And maybe you want nothing to do with me romantically, say that,  it saves time.  I won’t be offended. I am a adult.  I know people say that then act like fools,  but I have spent most of my time working on who I am, what I want, and my emotional well being.  That leaves me deficient in the more material ares, admittedly,  But the emotional maturity, that I got.  Just tell me, I won’t be a jerk.

And maybe it won’t work out. But I won’t emotionally blackmail you or be a jerk or be cruel or mean. at least I will try my best to not be and if you tell me I am being that way will try to correct my behavior.  Hopefully, we’ll have at least some good times, and we’ll learn something for the next relationship or maybe we’ll go the distance,  but we’ll never know without that first step.

This has been another addition of Emotional shotgun, are we not entertained!