Pause….Just be

To find beauty in the heart of the storm
Surrounded by destruction and
Endings
Find stillness
Silence inside
Slow breathing
Feel the pulse
Blood moving through veins
Slower
And slower
Close your eyes
Feel the rage of the storm
Feel the terrible fury
Now open your eyes
Look upon the storm
See the faint thread of endings
Feel the pulse of life
Find where destruction ends
See the point at which ends begin
Now
Breathe deeply
And feel
Connected to the faint sliver moment
The pause in the pulse
Where ends shiver in waiting
To begin again

Stress reactions

In the last week my left eyelid has begun twitching. This has happened before and I thought it was just lack of sleep. But I’ve been sleeping ok. So it’s probably stress.

So what am I stressed about?

I’m not in a relationship. A few friends and maybe’s but nothing solid.

My work is no different than it’s been for 6 months.

So what’s changed?

I think, uncertainty. I’m good with chaos. I can handle it and even excel in it but extend that out for months and add in some emotional shocks and I think we have the recipe for copious stress.

My usual outlets aren’t cutting it. So the stress is starting to take a physical toll in the form of eyes twitches and fatigue.

There’s little to be done beyond what I’m doing. I won’t take medication except in dire need, so that’s out. I guess more meditation is in order. More something.

I don’t know what is possible though. I mean, I want what I always do. But how realistic is that? I mean no one is going to pop out of the ether and say hey, wanna hang out and maybe more?

I don’t know. Maybe I’m alone because I need to process. Or maybe I just don’t know.

But this eye twitch is really getting on my nerves

An exercise

Do this: Close your eyes.
From the bottom of your feet, up your legs; into you groin, into your abdomen, up your back, your chest, down your arms; up your face, up your skull, across your scalp, every piece fo skin,  what is it that you feel, not generally, but specifically.  hold it all in you mind

move your tongue about, what do you taste, a filling? that last bit of popcorn, the mustard from a sandwich; the dryness of salt?
hold it all

breathe in deeply through your nose, without losing focus, add that feeling of air coursing into your lungs and out again

now sample the air, what do you smell,  the faintest hint of decay, dryness in the air, a faint whiff of deodorant, of bleach, of pinsol, electronics
now hold that in your mind;

now listen, the wind against your eardrums; in the trees, an engine starting, a car rolling past; faint laughter in the distance, cicadas strumming; birds landing, what do you hear, hold it in your mind

now, open your eyes, do not allow the sight to overwhelm all that you are holding steady in your mind;  the inclination is to let sight wash the rest to background;
don’t allow it. look at it all, see each piece, each tarnish, the wind moving the trees; the blue quality of light

Now just be, in that moment, seconds slipping by but not passing each one held and let slip seconds dripping by.