No kiss
no touch
no look
longing for one minute of intimacy
None of it is worth a damn
Without the minutes
the hours
the days
Of honesty
Of connection
Of smiles seen and unseen
Without
Antici…….
……..
……..
Pation
honesty
Do I make missteps in my ardor for you?
I feel that I must. Like I am making mistakes but that, perhaps, you forgive them silently. Do I say ‘I love you’ too often? I feel like, at once, I say it too much and that it can never be enough.
I wonder if I send you too many missives? I do send several a day, most days. I don’t want to wait to write it all and send it all at once, but rather send when my thoughts are freshest. But I know, maybe, it is exasperating.
I think I must be tiresome to deal with. Am I? To have someone constantly sending you little notes and posting things and just all of it.
I dislike feeling like I am being burdensome. And even writing this, I can’t tell if I need reassuring or if I want information. But either way, it feels like…I don’t think weakness is the right word. But something close. Like I can’t hold my own or something. Which I know isn’t true, but feelings care so little for knowings, sometimes.
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Seeing the grain, the stalk and the field
I wonder what people think when I ask or say something. Often, especially from women their response tells me that they are answering something other than what I asked. Let me provide a for instance.
I provided some entertainment. Entertainment that they said they enjoyed. Well and good. I asked, if you enjoyed what I provided, would you do a little thing for me? I will understand if you say no.
The response I received was a critique of the entertainment I provided. How I would need to do better to receive a reward. She also included a appeal to authority, with herself as the authority. Not a simple no. Nor had we negotiated a dominance scene. I can take this a few ways.
One: I can question in confusion, that since it was stated that the entertainment was enjoyable why now lash out as if it was not? Because I asked for something in return?
Two: I could be affronted and actively lash out. But that’s not really my style. Though I am affronted.
Three: I could fawn all over myself trying to please her. Except I’m not a submissive and more importantly this wasn’t a negotiated scene. I did not consent to this. I will not play under those conditions.
Four: I can do what I did, which is see through the manipulation and decline to play further with a bad actor.
I know I’m emotional, seen often as sweet, and have no college degree. I point out the degree because she mentioned her 2 degrees. Perhaps that leads people to the conclusion that I am somehow less. Less intelligent, less perceptive, more prone to manipulation.
I don’t have a degree because regurgitating facts bores me. Because learning by rote is not my strength nor my desire. I’m seen as sweet because I genuinely like and care for the people I choose to associate with. It is not weakness. And emotional, well that is true but I see with my heart, my head and my intuition. I often just choose my heart.
It does floor me that someone who seemingly knows me would so underestimate me. I dislike being this angry about it but what can I say, I’m emotional.
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Honesty
It has occurred to me lately that I seem to have lost some of my ability to discern lies from truth. Not a self deception, I still question my motives and actions thoroughly to make sure they come from a place of honesty. No, not self deception, but the lies of others. Perhaps in deciding to be honest and open about who I am, what I want and how I think…Perhaps by living this way, I’ve lulled myself into believing that others are as honest as myself. I am aware that we often see our thoughts and actions, our intentions, mirrored in others. Even if that is not the actual intention of those others. Perhaps that is the ramifications of living honestly. Each choice must be measured by its cost. Perhaps by being open and honest I incur the cost of allowing others the space to deceive. But it conversely allows them the space to be as honest as I. Perhaps the cost is not horrible. But it is something to be mindful of.
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Emotional shotgun
I’ve thought about this often. Pretty much every day to one degree or another. and I have come to the conclusion that I am just not charming. Sure, if you want to talk about the historical context of economic policies and the spread of religion, I’m your guy. Or if you would like a discussion about how time travel to kill that one historically bad guy would be a disaster, then wow would we have something to talk about. If you want to get deep into serious discussion, I’m right there. Or take a silly premise and just run with it. But that whole witty banter thing, I don’t got. In a big group it may seem that I can, because I’ll interject something and it will cut to the heart of what is being discussed, but pay attention, I will then go silent again. So, I’m not charming. I have weird ideas and off tilt desires. I have virtually no shame and no filter but I’ll only dance in a crowd of strangers or after at least 3 real drinks. I’m not doing a job that screams important or changing the world, so that’s not particularly impressive. Maybe, I’m being unnecessarily cruel to my own self image. The tough part is that what seems unique and special about me seems to only exist in my past. And it is bound up in past relationships which new relationships don’t necessarily want to hear about. I’m off point.
What I think about is this: Shouldn’t it, on some level, be easy? Should not the conversation flow from topic to topic? If you’ve known me for years, then it does. But on first talking? First meeting? Only with 2 people has it been that way, One was recent but for various other reasons failed. The other was because she approached me, she saw me and said, that guy, that guys I want to know. That feeling is immensely empowering, I could go for days on that feeling. I have no real point to this. This is just a confused guy rambling in the early morning hours. I wish that I could say that I just don’t know what I want, or that I’m not ready for a relationship, or I just want to put my work first, or any of a dozen excuses to not be dating or to not even be talking to someone about talking about dating. (aside: Dating is a prelude to a relationship. It is the opening act.) (second aside: I cannot emphasize enough how the statement “I don’t date” is bullshit. Are you seeing someone in any kind of romantic or sexual context? IT’S A DATE. and don’t tell me that sex is not a date, unless you are paying for it, then it’s a emotional entanglement of some kind.)
It comes to my attention that I should be talking to friends about this stuff, but they are all married. Have been for years. And they are not poly relationships so what would they know? Maintaining a relationship, sure, they have good advice there, outside of that, not so much.
This is all just frustration. I am genuinely not good at the let’s be friends and see where it goes thing. I want to buy you roses or lilies, lilies are cool. I want to tell you that you are beautiful and that all I want is you to feel safe. I want to be the sappy romantic idiot that I am . But I can’t because that would be too serious. What is wrong with too serious? Take a fucking chance. We all have baggage, and I get that it hurts and that you don’t want to be hurt. And maybe you want nothing to do with me romantically, say that, it saves time. I won’t be offended. I am a adult. I know people say that then act like fools, but I have spent most of my time working on who I am, what I want, and my emotional well being. That leaves me deficient in the more material ares, admittedly, But the emotional maturity, that I got. Just tell me, I won’t be a jerk.
And maybe it won’t work out. But I won’t emotionally blackmail you or be a jerk or be cruel or mean. at least I will try my best to not be and if you tell me I am being that way will try to correct my behavior. Hopefully, we’ll have at least some good times, and we’ll learn something for the next relationship or maybe we’ll go the distance, but we’ll never know without that first step.
This has been another addition of Emotional shotgun, are we not entertained!
Pelgris 