Thoughts

Fuck, I talk too much

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There is a feeling of falling apart without you. But I’ll never say that. I won’t hold you emotionally hostage. I refuse to be another person that inflicts their pain on you.

This feeling of dissolution without you, of dying without you will never be spoken from my lips to reach your ears. I’m a monster. But not that kind.

And here’s the thing, it’s like I can feel people I’m with flinching from something I’m not saying. I am open about what I’m feeling, because how are you to know if I say nothing. But I never will take it to that place where you might feel responsible for my actions. I don’t want that.

I just want to be heard and understood. And I don’t see how that is possible without honesty about everything.

Physical bodies are overrated

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A few days ago I hurt my back. Bruised a rib right at the connection to my spine. It hurts at about a 5 but when I lay down to sleep that goes to a 9. I have to find a way to to sleep sitting up. And this means I sleep uneasy and cannot dream walk. Much as I may wish otherwise.

A soft life

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I forget sometimes. I live in my little corporate world. In my little comfortable life. I forget that there are places not too far from me that are closer to the margins. That there are people living closer to the edge. That really. This corporate bullshit is meaningless.

I know better. There is a edge to the world. And I once danced on it. Not because I had to. But because I wanted to. I traded that life. I’d do it again. I’d trade the life I have for the right reasons.

But I need to remember. There are dark places in the world. I’ve seen a few. Caused a few.

This soft life. It’s just not that important. A means to an end.

I’d trade it in a heartbeat for one more chance.

But that old me, he’s gone too. Who I am now will have to be enough.

Not too revelatory

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I noticed this for the first time today. It’s something I knew. But something I just took on faith. That of course that is how I see it. And it’s a pretty simple revelation. If realizing that the thing you thought all along is really the way that you think can be considered revelatory.

So what was it?
Pretty simple. If I am emotionally invested in a person then I just see them. What I mean is this: I notice changes but only so that I can compliment them. I notice changes so that I can cement the image of who they are right now in my heart. But then I discard it. It’s not relevant and on a day to day basis I just see them. If I found them attractive before then I continue to find them attractive. Who they are is the thing I like. Who they are is where my emotional attachment and, as a result, how I perceive them. Why is this just coming to light?

A Acquaintance level 2 and a Friend level 1 both have lost weight recently. Both lost enough to effect their physical appearance. One drastically. But I don’t see it. Or rather it’s not relevant for me to consciencly notice. I saw a side by side comparison of one of them and I thought wow they lost a bunch of weight. But when I see them in person, it doesn’t enter my conscious mind.

So I just don’t see primarily cosmetic differences. I’m happy if they are happy. Who they are hasn’t changed. They are more confident but I always saw them as more than they accepted of themselves. So it’s just good that they are coming to realize that.

I know, it’s odd to see and think like this. What can I say, but that if you are not examining the why’s and how’s of your thinking, then how will you become the self you are trying to be?

Hello depression, where’ve you been?

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Sleep deprivation slowly erodes joy and hope until I’m left with nothing but a thin thread of possible tomorrow. Which, in this state, I see for a game of liars poker. The only desire I have is to hold my love in my arms and sleep. But I’m alone and even dreams betray me. Lost amidst the strewn rubble of could have been. Wandering in a maze built from my own false turnings.

Dreams and other false trails

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There are people who I have to quash my thoughts about who I will think something like “I wonder where they are? Are they coming to see me? Are they going to tell me something important?” I have to squash that line of thinking because it escalates very quickly. Primarily, because I know exactly what my actions would be.

I feel very much that if they were to commit to an action that puts them in my orbit I would step the rest of the way to them.

But such thoughts are just dream. And letting myself dream those moments, while attractive are self-destructive. Eventually, the dreamer must wake and see that it’s not true.

But those worlds exist somewhere. I suppose I’ll just have to be happy that some alternative version of me is happy.

A day of bright

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On a good day, I have less to write about. Because, truly, pain and desire are the potent mixture that fuels my poetry.

But on these days of contentment, I find my mind slipping to the thought of you. Whomever, you may be. Whether I’ve met you or not. Just the thought that these are the times I want to share. The darker times I need. These are the times I want. If the difference is clear.

Today is a day in the sun. A few hours of good. I wish I could share them with you in my arms.

Thoughts on The Tarot

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I’ve never been a fan of astrology. Not for the purely scientific reasons but because it attempts to translate the universe on the large scale and narrow it to the small. This makes its predictions necessarily broad and vague. Plus instead of giving information it tells me why something rather than what or how. If I’m answering why then I look to science or Intuition. Why is an internal journey outside of definitive questions and answers should be sought in the same vein.

Instead, I prefer the Tarot. Which is not to say that I allow such a thing to dictate course and action. Instead it is a tool. A way of looking outside through a internal lense. The Tarot uses Jungian archetypes or rather Jung used archetypes found in the Tarot.

An archetype as spiritual tool can be thought of as a embodiment and a filter. It moves and changes but it does so within a defined structure. In many ways an archetype could be considered to be a piece of the collective unconscious made manifest by our desire to know. This embodiment is never more obvious than in the tarot.

Why the discussion of divination techniques?

Because I favor the Tarot, I draw a blind card each night and have it interpreted.
Tonight it tells me to be careful in my interactions because the effects of them may snowball or be magnified. That even a compliment may grow beyond my capacity to contain it. To which I thought, well though, that’s what I want.

I want to say something and have it grow. I want to pay a compliment that blooms into so much more. And telling me to watch my words… Well most of the time I am very conscious of my words.

But I appreciate the check. Sometimes I go so far beyond what people are ready for that I do more harm than good.

And, I can be cruel when bored. Another thing I try to channel. Cruelty has its place. As does kindness. Though I weight towards the romantic, there are all kinds of romance and I’m flexible in the expression.

Seasonal Affective Disorder for weirdos

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So, Seasonal Affective disorder is a thing. And I have a version of that. But I’m weird, so mine kicks in during spring, the days are longer, and most people love that. Me, I just want a bit more night. A bit more clouds. I want it cooler and such. And really my path falls into that too. One can hardly worship night and Winter and not be affected by its opposite. So, I’m a bit more prone to depression or overreacting. If I’m going to overthink into the ground, it’s a bit more likely during that time.

I really only notice it in counterpoint to after the summer solstice. When I can feel energy flowing in, instead of out.

I feel powerful and more myself, more focused in this half of the year.
It’s just how it is.

You are the storm, you say?

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You speak of yourself as a storm. As if to warn me away. And in doing so, fail utterly, if that be your goal.

I am He who walks between. I speak with the embodiments of the elements, I cavort and hold friendship with those of air.

I follow the path of a lord of Storm, of night, of Winter.

You speak to me of your storm and I think, “Perfection.” Be you a storm. Strike wind and in fierceness know, in me you are home.

Should you care to make a place with me. Storms are not to be feared but loved. Shouted in joy. And should they calm, spoken soft words to and made ready for when next they stir.