identity

Observe, act, check, repeat

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When I meet and interact with someone I automatically am taking in their mannerisms. I listen to what they say, how they say it, and the bits of truth they give about themselves in normal conversations which are small and without seeming significance. What I’m consciously and subconsciously doing is building a picture of who the person is. Not just on what they say but what they do, how they move with and through the world.

That’s all ongoing. So when I ask someone out, while I may not know the specifics about the person, I do know them. So it will then seem as if I fall in love quickly. Like “I don’t even know you”, but really I knew enough that I would risk my heart.

I also think that monogamistic thinking plays a role here. In monogamistic thinking, if someone loves you then they are placing you at the pinnacle of their heart with no room for anything else. That’s a scary focal point to be at.

But here’s the thing. I’m poly. And while I may not be with multiple partners being poly is more than a lifestyle choice, at least for me. Like being pansexual, it is a orientation. My brain and thought processes function differently. When I love, yes I love completely, but there is no pinnacle. You are in my heart, surrounded by my love, and while I can be laser focused, it works better when my focus is diffuse.

I suppose what I’m saying is that my thought processes follow patterns which may seem familiar. Ones which may remind you of some past experience. And I won’t say that the experience is wrong, but I will say that when dealing with individuals and not trends, it is better to be aware both of internal bias and the knowledge that false positives will be present.

Let who you are free into the light

Pelgris4 Comments

I hate keeping secrets. Even lies by omission hurt.

I spent a portion of my youth on secrets. On lies. It almost killed me. It came close. At the end, all I had was money, scars, and grey hair. The money is gone. The scars are mostly faded. The grey hair stayed. And a deep abiding pain that accompanies lies.

I spent years clawing out of various closets. Sexuality, society, BDSM. And at the end of it, I found peace.

But still people want me to hide. To be discreet. To say it’s no one’s business but ours.

But let me tell you. It may be no one’s business but ours, but it’s on them to turn their heads. Hiding is lying. Discretion is fine, but it should not stop a kiss or a hug or holding hands. If it does then that’s fear.

Just because I can hide or lie; Because I practiced for years, doesn’t mean I enjoy it. I loathe it.

I understand why hiding may be necessary. If life or liberty is on the line. But if not? It’s not worth the cost.

And sometimes, even life and liberty are not enough. We should be who we are. Shout it from the rooftops. And to those that would silence us, let them reap the consequences. Let them fear.

I said I didn’t like lying. I didn’t say I’d forgotten my past.

Confusion is perfectly normal

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I am a creature full of mourning for a relationship that is and was and could have been and may yet still be. If you find that confusing, all I can say is welcome to my life. This happens more often than not. Perhaps I am an addiction that is almost but not quite enough or maybe when I see a person I am connected to I have little regard for consequence and instead throw my heart to the crucible and dare them to join me.

It’s hard to see someone you love make a choice that takes them away. To a better place almost assuredly but still it’s hard to see them go and the heart crushes under the weight of too familiar pain.

So why do I do this time and again? Honestly, I know of no other way to be. I love. I fall in love. I see. I choose. I wait. I break. It is as if these are what I am and while I am many things beside, at the core, love is who I am.

Karma likes to play games

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Challenge these victories
That float away like dust
Like words left unspoken
Can’t tell if it’s you or me
Won’t give in to simple lust
Give me the complicated, the broken

A nuzzling wolf
He drinks hearts blood
Seeking to heal
But scenting that limping
The wolf wants its way
But I’m a man too
I get to choose

But choices are difficult things
Wanting them flawless
But nothing works out that way
Settle for understood and forgiven

Best to give what was got
And given

Some information

Pelgris6 Comments

The simple fact is that I can be a hard man to get to know. The superficial things all speak to a deeper need that I am unlikely to share willingly, without resentment, early on. And I lead with my heart. If I can see you, be around you regularly, then I can temper the desires, the passions, that burn through me.

Fires you are unlikely to note at first. My face is schooled. My expressions minute. I smile but only when ecstatic. Otherwise, note the crinkly around my eyes. That’s me smiling. If I’m nervous, I can seem cold and distant, especially if I don’t know what you want.

If you want to take things physical, tell me. My consent meter is dialed to 11. If there is not clear, often verbal, consent I will not act. I will not touch you without your consent. If you say no, or stop. I will immediately back off.

I tell few stories about the past. I can talk for days about fictional characters or what and who I’m writing, but a funny anecdote is unlikely. Tell me your stories, I’ll listen. I want to hear them all. I’ll try to share relevant details of my own. I have a sense of humor but it’s dark and I’m more given to the one liner or double entendre than a joke.

I love hard. And will never let you go in my heart. But I will let you go, if that is your desire. I want the people I love to be happy. If that’s not with me, I’ll be sad, but I prefer you to be happy. Just talk to me. Allow me the opportunity to sway you, or the dignity to let you go.

I am a BDSM switch, predominantly master. That is a part of who I am. It is not a game I play. If you are a submissive, I will treasure you. I rule through pleasure, care and love. We all have our own speeds, teach me yours. I’m flexible.

I’ve done things, been places, met people. I’ve been around the block. I will surprise you, if you allow that you don’t know how I will react. Very often, it’s not how you would expect.

Deep structure in organic thought

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If one has a base set of rules, basic operating parameters, from which to live by. Then one has a mental base of operations from which to assail reality. This allows one the mental framework to adapt and change as time passes and circumstances twist. While retaining a core true self that changes as interpretation of the basic rule structure themselves undergo changes.

Changes forced by the ever flowing river of time and the constant desire to be the epitimouse version of the self. To be a person worthy of your stated goals. This adaptability must be tempered with logic and compassion as the ever evolving self can be seen by others as a betrayal of the basis the relationship was founded on.

While working on the inner self it is important to work on one’s relationships to others else one will find oneself alone. Which, while conducive on some levels to seeking, is ultimately dangerous to overall psyche of the human animal. It should further be noted that at some point the influence of others, of outside perspectives, is a necessary component of growth. Without such, your evolution will be halted by a starvation of input.
Emotionally, a opinion from a friend will be given more weight than one of a stranger or acquaintance. If only because of that emotional connection. Therefore these connections become important in later growth stages.

It is easy to become comfortable, to stop growing, stop learning, stop changing. Thus it is important to make the decision early that these changes are necessary for self improvement and as such must be allowed to be explored. One need not incorporate every avenue of realization into one’s core but one should be aware of the option and parameters of doing so.