Waking up angry

I should not be lauded on my attitudes of consent. I should not think of my stances as militant even though I do so.

My thoughts and actions concerning consent should be so normal that to think anything else is to act outside the norm. It should be fringe and backwater, uninformed and brutish to engage in nonconsent.

I read accounts of women and men put through horror just because they were there. Just because they wanted a job. Just because they wanted a chance to do good work. Just because they wanted to see if there was a connection. And it fills me with rage.

How is this allowed?
How is this our culture, not just in the west but in the world?

Should people in power lose their positions because of their actions?

Yes. That is the least that should occur. They should pay with their lives and livelihoods, just as their actions forced others to make the same choices. They should be stripped of every good thing they ever acquired after their actions. No profit from the pain of others.

Informed enthusiastic consent needs to be taught from a young age. It needs to be a part of the curriculum. It needs to be enforced at home. If your child does not want to hug someone they should not be forced to. Do not normalize gritting your teeth and doing the things that make you feel aick. That make you feel bad. That make you feel used. Or as an object.

“No means no” is not enough. People freeze. People become nonverbal.

No is no is placing the onus of consent on the victim rather than the aggressor.

Only informed(non impaired judgment) enthusiastic(interested, nonforced) positive(yes, yes, yes) and ongoing(given throughout the encounter) consent is real true consent. If any of those criteria is not met then nothing should happen.

And I cannot stress ongoing enough.
Yes to kiss is not yes to fuck. Yes to a drink is not yes to a kiss. Yes to a hug is not yes to a grope.
Ongoing, every step or it all stops. And the initiator needs to be watching for any sign of nonconsent. It may “kill the mood”, (yes that’s been said to me), but better that than to physically hurt or emotionally damage someone.

And you the initiator…you have consent too. You can say no, stop, no more, break off contact, all of the same rules apply. Just because you started something doesn’t mean you must continue(yes it does happen that we kissed but I didn’t want to fuck)

We are leaving so much emotional, physical, and mental wreckage in our wake. This needs to stop. We need to stop it. Culturally we need to call out every action that does this. And we need to teach our youth not only what is Not ok, but what is. They must know what their responsibility is before they can be responsible.

Reveille call

The fact of the matter is
That I’m a shitty defensive fighter
But take what you want today
You’ll pay with your life tomorrow

My skills in the moment are less than stellar
Give me a minute to plan
And your world will burn
I’ve been called a dark angel
And that may be for I’ve certainly fallen

They say that it’s all in the wolf you feed
Anger or peace
But instead make of them friends
And control their leash

I’ve no hair trigger to unleash on command
But give me a day
And let cold suffuse all
I’ll hunt to the ends of the earth
And bright angels will weep
At the sight of your fall

Unexpected wrecking ball

I’m looking at my phone. It’s with me all the time with the Internet and Facebook and games and texts. And I’m thinking, there is nothing this phone can do that can distract me from this pain. There is nothing it can do to give a moment of peace. Nothing that gives hope. Nothing that gives purpose.

Just this endless pablum of white noise that does nothing to stop the screaming voice that sobs out, “You are unwanted. Unloved. What are you still doing here.”
And I think of the people I could reach out to and just who would that be? It’s not ok. It’s not going to be OK. I’ve had my fill of I know what you’re going through or I wish you didn’t know what that feels like. I am going through it. I do know what it feels like. The only thing that stops it is when I don’t feel alone. This is just what is. I try my damndest. But I’m right back where I started. If anything, more bruised and jaded.
Nothing is good, nor will it ever be again. That’s what today feels like.

Seeing the grain, the stalk and the field

I wonder what people think when I ask or say something. Often, especially from women their response tells me that they are answering something other than what I asked. Let me provide a for instance.

I provided some entertainment. Entertainment that they said they enjoyed. Well and good. I asked, if you enjoyed what I provided, would you do a little thing for me? I will understand if you say no.

The response I received was a critique of the entertainment I provided. How I would need to do better to receive a reward. She also included a appeal to authority, with herself as the authority. Not a simple no. Nor had we negotiated a dominance scene. I can take this a few ways.

One: I can question in confusion, that since it was stated that the entertainment was enjoyable why now lash out as if it was not? Because I asked for something in return?

Two: I could be affronted and actively lash out. But that’s not really my style. Though I am affronted.

Three: I could fawn all over myself trying to please her. Except I’m not a submissive and more importantly this wasn’t a negotiated scene. I did not consent to this. I will not play under those conditions.

Four: I can do what I did, which is see through the manipulation and decline to play further with a bad actor.

I know I’m emotional, seen often as sweet, and have no college degree. I point out the degree because she mentioned her 2 degrees. Perhaps that leads people to the conclusion that I am somehow less. Less intelligent, less perceptive, more prone to manipulation.

I don’t have a degree because regurgitating facts bores me. Because learning by rote is not my strength nor my desire. I’m seen as sweet because I genuinely like and care for the people I choose to associate with. It is not weakness. And emotional, well that is true but I see with my heart, my head and my intuition. I often just choose my heart.

It does floor me that someone who seemingly knows me would so underestimate me. I dislike being this angry about it but what can I say, I’m emotional.