Poems

Wrung out turning begging to begin

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The dark pours into me
Peace that’s lost
Floods in
Making itself at home
Tired heart crying
Eyes untouched
Little lost peace holding my hand in the darkness
A kiss on the forehead and gone
Off to whatever stranger shores
Calls them home

And I a waystation
A place to rest weary
In tired lines
Bent past breaking
But unbowed
And unbroken
Reaching

Hand outstretched
Fingers pull wide
To the point of tearing
Small tricks
Split out wide
Trembling

Say thoughts out loud
Madness or a dream
Wake my turtle dove
We are not as we seem
Follow the raven
Home

Hard to build a future on the too live sea

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I can’t let go; It’s a problem
Or it’s not; I don’t know
There are those won’t ever leave
Even if we’re never together
They are mine
Even if I’m not theirs

Does that mean that I’m too tethered to the past to move forward
I don’t think so
I hope not
Even though I ache with the thought of somehow moving out beyond their ability to call me back

These aren’t beautiful words or artful phrases
Just a baring of heart and soul
It’d be simpler if I could hide behind the lilt of wordplay
I just don’t have the energy to do so

When I love, I love complete, complex
And with gleeful discovery
And when I’m without
Never without love
Without partner
I don’t know
Sometimes I become stronger and more able to take the world on
And sometimes I’m just a small boat on a infinite ocean
Seaworthy but at any given moment, taking on water

I suppose I’m just a shifting sands dancer
And lately I’ve lost the song

The long journey between death and life, trapped on the road

Pelgris3 Comments

If I could see the future, I’d see it with you
If I could walk any path
It would be to you
I have walked so many roads
To falter some
Here
If there were but a glimmer of you
If I could see with the clarity I’ve searched for
Looking in the darkness
For the glimmer of you
I can’t stop looking
You are there
I know
And though I lose hope
And though I cry
Still
I’ll wake
And find the strength to find you
I hope
Before the end of my life
To hold you in my arms
To know the peace of our love
And if I fail
Never will I quit
Life is but a door
I’ll walk through them all
To find you

A sacrifice for all I have failed, a gift for all I have loved

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I tell you now that every lost relationship
Every person who walked away
Every voice that faded to whisper
To silence
Every one
I still feel
I can recall how I felt the moment I was lost
I can recall every step
Thinking it was toward something
And I remember that heartbreak clarion call of ending
People get past things
People’s memories fade
But somehow
All for me linger
Until I can’t see faces but remember the feel of a touch
Until some word you spoke
Some poem
Some stray neuron fires
And I remember
While it’s true that you can grow to let go
Still, half stitched wounds spill open
I envy you
Your forgetting
I’ve not unlearned how to remember
How to smell and taste you
One step away
Maybe it’s a solace
To not forget
The good times made sorrow by the bloodletting of the end
I failed to be merciful once, twice
I won’t pretend to be free of mistakes
If I could give those moments back to you
I would
Not speak as if I was trying to kill
Not let silence feed into silence
All I can say
Is that man you knew
Who hurt
Who in fire and drowning quiet
He is dead
And only I
Who mourn his actions
Striving to be better, am left
His memories mine
The hell of it is
He was a wounded animal
Looking for connections
Breaking
Breaking
And acting destroyer
Even as he loved
There is no forgiveness for what he did
But he’s gone
And I’m here
And each silent voice is another pain
And each pain is another wound
And each wound is another path
And each path another person
And each person
Another loss
But
I hope you walked away
To someone better than me
I hope you are happy
My heart will allow me nothing less

A desire to make your pleasure my world

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My filthy eyes linger on her skin
Wondering that consent has not been withdrawn
Unable to look away
Desire to touch with lips
To explore her everyplace
I feel an intruder that hasn’t yet been turned away
I wait for her yes
For her no
I wait to stop waiting

Random string of sounds

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This is a stream of consciousness song. And while I mention just friends, I don’t mean friendzoned even though I know many people’s minds go there; it’s more that I have all of these people whom I love, who maybe love me. And still, I feel alone. It’s like without the romantic connection, I can’t take that leap without first having this place to belong in romantic love.  I don’t know why that is. and so, I’m always looking

Disjointed connections in a lonely mind

Pelgris4 Comments

You could be outside my door, dropping all kinds of hints but I’ll never grasp them
We could be flirting
Back and forth
Right on the verge of explicit
And still
I’ll doubt your interest

I think the reason I throw myself so hard into love is because I know that life doesn’t last
And it makes people who date me rethink being with me
In some cases, it makes them go back to the safety of what they know.
In others, it makes them realize that intense love isn’t what they want
And in others…I don’t know
They just leave without explanation

So I don’t see because I doubt
And they don’t stay because of my hearts certainty

I’ll admit to fear
And not knowing
And I wish I was more comfortable with new

I may be clumsy at the beginning
But stay
Stay
I promise
My love is not a cage

Monster or hero, it’s all a matter of when and where you stand

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Go home to the empty
To a night filled with silence
“Have a fun weekend”, they say
Fun
All I have is this job and these words
Connections eroded
Too heavy to bear
These weights forgiven
Tears too heavy
Fall from a single eye
Only one still able to cry
Lost voyager
Edge of the map
Here be monsters

Stiff knee soliloquy

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You’ll never be here watching me sleep
Days passing by
Cuddled under my raven blanket
Sad songs singing through my bedroom
You’ll never see my hand kneed the soft cat sleeping next to me
The rise and fall
Breathing in and out
Never see my arm hugged around a pillow
Thrown wide at an odd angle
Remembering what it was to sleep near another
Never know that my dreams are of you
And when I wake
To music and white stucco ceilings
Tears and absence will be my companion
And a cat and penguin
And words
Said into silence

Explaining an explanation

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Give me those moments where certainty is clear
Where all the shadows and scales fall from the eyes
Where paths are unshrouded and truths are spoken

This fulfillment of purpose
Of seeking
Of the situation broken and bloody
Looking at me

My arms are open
Mind focused
Seeing you

I’ll guide you should you allow it
You are mine