I recently told a friend that I anticipated that this September would be a bad one. Last year I was distracted by relationships, failed or otherwise. This year I, now, have no such distance. She said there was still time, that some relationship might start up. She was being kind, maybe a bit fearful of my state in the weeks that lead up to that dreadful anniversary. I find myself less than optimistic concerning the same thing. The possibility of anything seems so distant. And my efforts seem to not make a bit of difference. Like fighting a tiller in a storm, even though the seas seem calm. I just keep moving forward, swept along the current. Unable to find home or shore.
Author: Pelgris
Cerulean shift
If
Sift through wreckage
Burnt glass
Smoking blood
Fire exposes
Found in huddled
Composure
Lost but found but wanting
Lifted up
Soaring in flight
Crashed down to ungentle earth
Splayed pieces
Cannot stand
But at least the fire is out
Or truth its moved inward
Igniting desire
Pouring out from fingertips
From tongue
From eyes
Warm yourself but
Always pull away
Afraid of burning up
Kindle instead and ignite
Burst glory
Or lost
In delirium
In seconds between flight
And the fading
The sound of breaking glass
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I just had the worst dream I’ve ever had.
I just had the worst dream I’ve ever had.
I was in my home city but it was as if everything had become run down and shady. All of the apartments buildings were crackhouses and drug dens. The businesses were pawn shops and thinly disguised brothels. I was at one of the apartments retrieving my cat Dylan (Thomas not Bob). I was walking to my car when I was interfered with. A group of mobsters were around me and were trying to extort me regarding some other piece of business. They escalated to a physical confrontation. I pulled my blade and cut them to ribbons. I was going for the last and most dangerous and somehow a person I love got between me and my quarry as I was delivering a killing blow. I saw the look of surprise on her face and then her throat parted. Everything in the dream came to a full stop. I screamed for minutes, for hours, for eternity. Holding her in my arms. The cops showed up, too late, and with her dead in my arms, I went after the cops hoping they would kill me. They didn’t. I was kept alive for some reason. I was trying to taunt them into taking the shot when I woke. I felt the pain in my heart as if it had been ripped out. My throat felt like I had been screaming but people in the house say no. Even now, I’m haunted by the image. I would do anything to make it not happen. Even though it was ‘only’ a dream.
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Fuck, I talk too much
There is a feeling of falling apart without you. But I’ll never say that. I won’t hold you emotionally hostage. I refuse to be another person that inflicts their pain on you.
This feeling of dissolution without you, of dying without you will never be spoken from my lips to reach your ears. I’m a monster. But not that kind.
And here’s the thing, it’s like I can feel people I’m with flinching from something I’m not saying. I am open about what I’m feeling, because how are you to know if I say nothing. But I never will take it to that place where you might feel responsible for my actions. I don’t want that.
I just want to be heard and understood. And I don’t see how that is possible without honesty about everything.
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Song of The Day
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Sweet fire
Mind and heart burn
With desire unrealized
A broken past
Shreds as needles
This empty without
Echoing halls of self
Filled only with ghosts
It falls apart
These dreams I cannot
Mend
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What is necessary
Bones brittle break
Last chance for change
Stolen kisses
Bought with blood
Pleasures price
Paid by knife
Taking is taught
Consequences are bought
And a fell darkness
Wakes the dreamer
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Physical bodies are overrated
A few days ago I hurt my back. Bruised a rib right at the connection to my spine. It hurts at about a 5 but when I lay down to sleep that goes to a 9. I have to find a way to to sleep sitting up. And this means I sleep uneasy and cannot dream walk. Much as I may wish otherwise.
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The millstone turns
I feel myself fading
Breaking
Losing myself across time
A flag left waving
In a wind blowing me east
Standing on this blood soaked ground
Looking into the chasm
Ready to fall
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Haunting one’s own corpse
I look to you as succor to my pain
For who am I but yours
Though discarded on distant shores
Made weird and glimmer
Sounds filter through memory
Like the distant slow ringing of bells
But to you is where my thoughts turn
Fools to seek what was lost
A drowning and drunk dream
Waking
Knowing only the cracks as it comes
Crashing down
Pelgris 