Author: Pelgris

Mind/Heart

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I lead with my heart where those I love are concerned. My mind constructs the path but my heart determines it.

For those who aren’t in my heart, I lead with my mind. My mind sets the course and my heart determines how far I am willing to go.

This is my problem with personality tests. Because my actions and choices are relative to both the situation and the people involved. And is informed by the possible outcomes, the benefits and detriments, and the well-being of those involved. Always looking to safeguard those in my heart and be truthful to my self.

I am looking for the correct action. The neccesary step. For myself and for those in my care.

I test as INTJ but depending on questions, also INTP. Am I either of those or some 3rd thing? Or, for someone changing and growing beyond the boundaries of their limits, is such a test reliable or is it merely a tool to determine a starting place for change.

Grief never fades

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Splay me open
Crack my chest
There’s little enough left
A heart in tatters
Each new day cut slivers
Stuck in throat
Flowed out with tears come unbidden
Weaving a false tale of hopes realization
Fantasy without root
Just another sliver
An ache that never ends
Take what blood remains
Chest hollowed out
Filled with burnt ash
An endless well

A dream that lives the man

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I want to fill my head with noise
Just a cacophony of sound so I don’t have to think
Just a minute to stop
Not know
Not be
Just static
A mask for pain
Something to keep my eyes clear
No blurry vision
No cloudy pictures
Feeling alone feels like giving up

Get to know your own company they say
But you can’t turn and share a book with yourself
Can’t listen to a particular piece of music
Can’t sing a silly song you made up on the spot
Just because

Maybe I’ll be good at this on some future tomorrow
But I doubt it
I want too much
I want all
I’ve been the possible
I’ve seen the chances
How can I go back to the alone?
I’ve come too far to accept that

I apologize

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I once sent a woman roses to her place of work because it looked like she was sad and I didn’t have the words. I didn’t write anything on the card. I didn’t expect anything for them. Reading this, I hope like hell that they didn’t strike fear.

When I was 6 years old, I was on a playground at school and the boys were chasing the girls, I Chased a girl and took a kiss. She didn’t like it. I never kissed or took without consent from then on. I hope that memory that is in my head as a lesson learned doesn’t burn in her as a evil thing.

I once asked someone a question on a dating site, related to their profile, because it was interesting and I wanted to hear her elaboration. She tore into me like I’d done something wrong and I was hurt and didn’t understand why. I didn’t know at the time that it was very likely she had been raked over coals again and again for her opinion and it left her raw.
I’m paying attention and going back through my memories for any time I took an action or said something. These are what I’ve found.

I hope there are not more that I’m not seeing. I’ve asked the women and men in my life and they’ve said I haven’t. I hope that is true.

Burdens we can’t put down

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The problem with being sad all the time is that your face becomes this mask of pain
A mask that people work around, see every day until it just becomes your face
But the pains not you. You are joy and sunshine and that day in the park where you held hands and looked into her eyes and felt so light you might float away
No one sees that you. It’s bound up in memories and minutes found in the present that pass by leaving only wreckage.
As a man wracked by pain, enduring, pushing the pain away takes a pain killer and for too short a time, Knows a life without his burden. Then it all comes crashing back down and what was endurable before is now unbearable. So too is joy to a sad heart.

When words are too uncertain

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These cold lonely days with nothing
but time and hope
These words that bubble up and want to drip out
but lips clamp closed
These feelings that speak of desire
But already way out on a limb
Should hands let go and fall
Or does gravity and fluid dynamics dictate this uncertainty
A symptom
Of being unworthy
Held back by hands forged from my own skin
Held down by actions echoing forward
Prepared for nothing
Dreams left empty
Behind eyelids
Too painful to cry
Or speak

Shhhhhhh…Click

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Existence
Hollows out to this excruciating pull
Step by reluctant step
Into uncertain
Into shadows
No homecoming this
Looming shapes cast unknown
Pained knowledge of what is lost
Moments creeping by without defense
Without any indication that this
Falseness of hope
Broken free
Lodged in arteries
Each heart beating
Bringing the heaviness of truth
Or spun sugar fakery
Unknown which
Until pains precipice
And the only choice is jump
Or shatter here
Bereft of all but silence
Darkness broken by screams from frozen vocal cords
And the unquiet tears of the damned

The only words that want to be written 

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There is this moment. When the person you love most slips beyond the grasp of this mortal world. The whole world turns to static. And you react on automatic. And you keep moving like that until you are shocked awake. And sometimes it takes more than one. But eventually you emerge. And all that pain. All that rage and broken shard memories pierces every piece of you. You will spend time. Plucking the shards out. Ripping them out. Until the only thing left is the rage. If you’re lucky, if you can call it luck, you find a way to use the rage. And once it’s gone, you’re empty. And you fill that burned out ashes that you call a life with whatever you can. And, if you’re like me, you burn in your secrets.

But maybe you find a way through. And maybe you start to feel and live again. And this time, this time you will live out loud. You will love and you will speak the truth and you will be the best person you can be. And this time, maybe….this time…maybe this time you’ll be in time. Maybe this time you’ll say the right words. Maybe this time, you’ll be enough. Maybe….

Things in this world are complicated

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You have to give yourself over to love. I know thats crazy. I know that invites pain and death and the dissolution of the self. But you must. Not in some religious sense unless we mean as a philosophy of hope for each other. Only through love can humanity save itself. And I don’t mean love as some cold thing but let respect, hope, desire, and the elevation of others inform your choices. And if you find yourself with someone you love, who loves you, and if all parties enthusiastically consents, express that love physically. Even if that’s just being in the same room. Or holding hands. Or kissing. Or the whole panoply. Love is no cold thing. It is of heat, of flame.
Help and dictate not how that help is used. If you give money to someone, accept that they know their own needs and let go any notion that you have the right to dictate. Give freely and without expectation of reciprocity. Let love be your guide.

This is not to say that you should endanger yourself, just that we all hide a bit more than may be needful.

And I’m definitely not saying that a person who takes in the belief that they act in love are to be forgiven. In my belief system, if you take without consent, then you must suffer the dire and vicious consequences.

I say only that love should be closer to a guiding principle than we generally let it be.

Choices unmade

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I watched you walk away a hundred times in my mind. Steeling myself to the inevitable moment when you were gone for good. You said you were leaving. Moving on from this place of broken promises and going to a brighter future. And though I was sad, I understood. You were tied to another and what we have is but ephemeral kisses of the might have been. Had things been different. Had you chosen another Path, one we’d walk together.
But now, you’ve chosen to remain amidst reassurance that things will be different. But they won’t be. Liars lie. Emotional abusers abuse. That won’t change. Unless you’ve chosen paths I’ve advocated and you won’t because they are all dark alleys you wouldn’t travel, nor even loose me down.

So, you’ll stay, so close and ever distant. Because staying is easier than going. Because comfortable is easier than more and scary.

I’ve let you go. But my heart, foolish thing, only thinks that now at least, there may be a chance. But I know, it’s not to be. Much as I wish it otherwise. Love is bastard. Always complicated. Always just beyond reach.