Get used to the pain of being near you
Being so close and unable to grasp you close
This weight
Heartbeat clenched
Unnoticed until a touch sparks release
Light and silent
About what this feeling means
Lump in throat
Fear of what you’ll say
So many times before
Saying it
That spasm
The rictis smile
The I don’t think of you that way
The slow fade
But feelings denied break out
Break down in unexpected ways
It’s coming
And soon
I’ll find my voice
And speak
And wait
Heart heavy
Waiting for the event horizon
Month: August 2018
Brief announcement about the Split Sky Trilogy
The Split Sky Trilogy will be unavailable for listening starting Monday August 27th.
I will be republishing it on its schedule of Monday – Wednesday-Friday
I do this because it’s been more than a year since it’s completion and I feel that the time between releases is very much a hidden character. The pacing itself can be seen as contributing to the story.
So, if anyone wants to binge it, they have until Sunday night, August 26th to do so.
Thank you all for reading and listening
*Note: This will not displace normal posts.
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Eye plucked out and hung
Don’t want to feel like I need to apologize for falling in love
Too soon? What is that? Too soon for who? Sure I don’t know everything about her, so what? Learning about someone is a relationship. Seeing them as they grow and change and embracing those changes. That’s a relationship. People tell me that I say it too soon, that I should live in the moment. Where else is there to live? The moment realized is a byproduct of future planning but failure to plan is failure to realize. Love is always a Work in progress. That pure crystalline love that never waivers or changes is the fairytale and maybe that’s the standard people hold to and that’s why we are so unhappy.
When I say I love you it’s no perfection. No crystalline structure of atoms waiting for the right forces to shatter it. It is the messy growing complex thing that becomes as things change and accommodates new structures to become a whole. Not unwavering or unyielding but instead resilient and capable of change.
Through a series of missteps I grew used to apologizing for what I feel.
I don’t want that. I want someone who sees me and likes that I’m a poetical kind romantic who will spank you and play in dark and light ways all while abiding in a column of love. And sees that I go through darkness too, and knows that I’m there despite my challenges.
Even now I feel like I have to apologize for being too much. I want someone who sees my too much and knows it for enough.
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Heat reveals the hidden
Bound bones to heat
Shiver flesh
Mind quests out
Knowing she can’t feel my thoughts
Do I speak them?
Dare I?
Or am I lost to dreaming
That hopes be more than wanting
That words be for the speaking
But tongue and hands
They for showing
Come
Touch
And know the flames of my heart
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Pressing juice from a stone
I’m awake and ready
Hands are steady
But what propels me forward isn’t ambition
It’s the thought of a day without
Can’t quite stomach not seeing in fleeting glances
Words and whispers
Laughter when she reads a missive
So free to be herself
Waking in realization
This path of the broken
Leading my hands
To learn harsher lessons
About what I want and what is worth sacrificing
Making and meshing
Not the temptation but the tempting
Calling me to actions
Pulling me unrelenting
To a casual touch
Out of sight
Talk six days a week
But time outside is limited
She turns into a pumpkin at midnight
That’s cool
I love Halloween
Learning the rules and hard limits
It’s complicated
But relationships are
And if you think otherwise
You ain’t been paying attention
Just pouring out
But I feel the almost closed sluice
Holding back
Just a little afraid
Not back from her
But back from me
Words trapped behind my tongue
I sound like a gibbering idiot once I get that far
When a bare handful of words substitute for the norm
Long rambling replaced and content without context
Lines and veins pulse
Pulling me back to bodies
Stopped wanting futures
It’s all too up in the air
Today
Tomorrow
A laugh
A sorrow
Kisses sustain
Speaking all my truths
Even the embarrassing of plans
I failed to execute
Because the reality was more needed
Than the fantasy scenario
No bones to pick clean
Searching for meaning
Just ask the question
Fear eats you up
And it lies
It lies
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Too quiet thinking
Held in arms to feel safe
Bodies move against
Expressing love
writ in words of desire
Limits only what you say
All the words I have
Whispered in your heart
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Beyond the doors of lust
The ache of crescendo leaves me empty
Except now those long minutes of spent
Fill up with you
When physical desire breaks dam and spills
In the still empty
A hope of you
But
Supposedly too soon
Too much
Too fast
Too me
To voice what wakes
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A boil of sky
Clouds like cut glass
Jut upwards past blue
To a star drenched sky
White and gray flotillas
And oddity
Black spike clouds
Stillness of the air
Pent up breathe
The sense of waiting
Tripwire minutes
Even birds dare not sing
And minute trill quickly silenced
When found no else that dare answer
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Realizing times passage
That moment in your otherwise ok life when you look up and remember what’s over the horizon and you are instantly overwhelmed. The past comes round again, no matter how much time passes, it’s always there lurking and ready to ambush you. Tarnishing your thoughts with grief and an impending sense of falling.
Today I wondered why I was feeling sad. I should be happier. Things are going ok. Then I realized, just over a month away is the 13 year anniversary of Morgan’s death.
And like that, I’m adrift.
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Falling into a racing mind
Holding back
This empty hole widens
Deeper and deeper
Things unsaid erode the center
Well aware its too soon
A sea change
What was once lightning in a bottle
Only the container remains
What’s changed
In the moments where silence reigns
Pelgris 