This empty hole widens
Deeper and deeper
Things unsaid erode the center
Well aware its too soon
A sea change
What was once lightning in a bottle
Only the container remains
In the moments where silence reigns
Everything will be fine. I’ll see something that makes me uncertain and my brain will start working through all of the possibilities. None of these will be good possibilities. It will range from painful to total destruction. Because my brain can’t let something go. It has to grind it over and over until the original information is unrecognizable from what it was originally.
Then I will take this broken, unrecognizable information and use it as the basis for scenarios and it all comes down to being like the abominable snowman with bugs bunny. And that doesn’t work, I know it doesn’t work, but my brain just won’t shut up.
So I see a grain of sand or a pebble and it becomes a monstrosity. Real problems I can work through. Shit my brain invents is much harder.
What missed opportunity did I fail at when I failed to introduce myself? Or did you have a reasonable expectation of privacy and I should not intrude on your night out. Do I blame myself for awkward cowardice? Or was I being considerate by not inserting myself. Or perhaps I thought but, you are not the Goddess of my Heart and I am no where near a headspace to do you justice? Or maybe, in my overthinking I missed all opportunity. And though you smelled amazing perhaps just enjoy the Neil Gaiman talk sitting in row L seat 7 and accept that it’s far too late now.
I sometimes think, “I’m just this mad thing. Bound up in desires impossible to realize. Trying to get others to see, to accept, impossible beauty, impossible desires, so that at some point I won’t be alone.”
Its weird to think this way, I think. Weird to hope this way. To jump then question the decision. To fall in love, then hope they are in love as well. All of these thoughts bouncing around in my brain and mostly I want a few minutes of silence. Or, if not silence, then to speak with my love. The person I love. About anything, everything.
That last is the most normal.
Which brings us to why do I care what seems normal. It’s simple. Confirmation bias. Artists and open minded types surround ourselves with similar people. So much so that mainstream ideas seem foreign. And because they do, we are less likely to engage in those areas. And as we pull away, we, ourselves, become foreign to people in the mainstream. This leads to a problem. Our audience for our art should be able to reach as many people as possible. Not because as many people as possible enjoying the work is the goal but because reach means that the people who need to read the piece or hear the poem are more likely to do so.
These are the places my mind goes when all I really want is to be with you. To hold you. To learn you. All the things we need to be successful in a relationship. See? Overthinking even in the face of my desire to simply be with the person I love