The hell of my heart is that even when they walk away
Even if they crush my heart and sprinkle it bloody in the thorns of rosebushes
I still love them
Would still protect them
Even if they hate me
Believing whatever is in their hearts that makes it easy to stay away
My love is my destruction
As ever it was
Down the long skein
From beginning to end
Month: July 2018
Nightmares are also dreams, pivot
It is with a sad heart that I post this
I started Nightmares are also dreams with the intention that I would write a different kind of Pel and Sara story. But what I’ve found is something I knew from before but didn’t want to believe. I don’t know how to write a detective story. And this story is very much a detective story. Tracking down clues and hunting down leads and putting the pieces together. That’s not how Pel thinks. Not how I think.
Pel would have his people do the piecing. In full acknowledgement that he isn’t good at that kind of thing. Understanding how the pieces fit together, yes. Finding those pieces, no.
So. This story is going to pivot. Away from the detective plot, and more towards the romance between our 3 main characters. The progress on the detective work will intrude as the timeline will be extended past the single day I’ve written prior.
But it won’t be the focus. I have ideas and plans that come to mind even as I write about this pivot. That’s a good thing.
I hope you all will bear with me as I pivot.
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Aimless contemplation
I keep waking up
Can’t tell if it’s the waking that’s the problem
Or the songs playing in my head
About being as in love with you as I am
Or declaiming that I’m the freak of the fall
No words for the possible
Those roads all look so promising before you walk them
No certainty
Wish I could just enjoy the journey
When I’m in it
I do
But outside
In Contemplation
I know too many endings
Like pain that echos back from the future
As if pain can cross space/time
Finding a way to me before it happens
Friend tells me I’m kind not sweet
Finally a truth I can accept
Say I’m a shameless flirt
Not out of aimless play
But my heart tries
Even when my mind can’t see
Can’t help who I am
Even when who I am keeps falling in love
And coming out the other side
Charred and broken
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Drifting through mists
I think I’ve gotten to the point where I’m just used to the chaos that my life seems to devolve into.
That or I’m numb or insulated.
My highs are so full of promise and hope.
My lows so full of pain and despair.
But I ride the waves
Sometimes drowning, yes
When I have invested myself in a future that isn’t going to happen
Sometimes delirious with joy
When I have invested myself in a future that isn’t going to happen
But mostly, they are just days passing
Believe me
I want that more of the horizon
Reaching out has burned me though
So I wait
Thinking in my cave
Watching the sky in hope of rain
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Select: Shuffle
My playlist sings of loss
Pull up favorites
Spin the wheel
Shuffle
Shuffled steps
Head down
Contemplation
Musical augery
Dance in hopes dashed reverie
Shuffle foretells misery
Like it reads my heart
Empty suffused darkness
Distilled in smoke stained notes
Each record clicks in place
Bones rolled
In modern sacrifice
Mired in the present
Like a maze with no exit
Just beginnings
Middles
And blood drenched wrong turns
Dead ends decorated by bones
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White noise
This lonely
A hole inside that cannot be filled by me alone
I need other voices to speak
To be the ones I think of
To want my voice
My thoughts
My passion
I’ve tried the being alone thing
A ghost haunting my life
No rebirth
No chrysalis
Just one step after another
An endless series of days
Only through other eyes do I see
Only through others am I whole
A fatal flaw
A design element out of wack
Or just compassion run amok
It’s never as simple as we need it
And I’ve never been an easy man
Tired of these endless days
Waiting
Stepping
Forward
Away
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Confusion is a base state
I almost wish that my emotions didn’t run so hot.
That they didn’t rush like tsunami. Seemingly dry and nonexistent as the waters pull back, until they rush forward, overwhelming my heart. It seems like I only find those unavailable to me as people who make my heart burst like fire. But it’s not true. It’s just that those who are unavailable are often the only ones who show any interest in me. At least in a way that I recognize as interest. I can be obtuse in this regard.
I don’t know. I dislike not knowing. I love to know everything. How else will I see true if I cannot see all?
I wish I knew. Whatever paths led where. Even in general. Because I can’t trust my judgment. My judgment leads me to love and to breaking.
You know…I didn’t pick Morgan. She picked me.
It makes me wonder. Because every time I trust my judgment, while they don’t destroy me in harder ways, I’m still devastated. When it ends. When it fails.
I don’t know the way forward.
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Immediate emotional reaction
knives rip my esophageal lining
Shredding stomach
Shredding heart
Breaking mind
Blood coughs up
Weakness steals over me
Pain so rough
I’m dying
But
Body won’t give up when my heart breaks
Nausea has me looking for a bucket
All light and kind drain
Please
Let me die
There’s nothing left
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Song of the day: Collected
This is a playlist comprised of the Song of the Day
Unfortunately, I was unable to find all of the songs on Spotify. The Thought here is that I will add the new song of the Day to the Playlist; There are actually 112 songs but you would need to open it in the app to see them. Also, it cannot be opened in the wordpress app, bummer I know
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An artists rendition
Hold up a mirror to face my flaws
Saw you watching me
Quietly in the background
Mirrors show us things we cannot ourselves see
And how can such an image be trusted
It reflects but does it reflect true or
Is our brain trying to fill the edge of space with maybes
I saw you there
Crying in the mirror
No sound
And I turn and you are dust
Each morning
Getting ready
Fogging the mirror with steam
so that I can not see
Until I look and see
That I have become whole
And what I’m missing is you
This is what healing is
Another way of losing you a third time
Pelgris 