I hate the thought that someone may be waiting for me to ask them something, that if I just asked, I could be with them. I hate that idea, how can I know how you feel? Just ask me, the answer will likely be yes. And if its no then at least you’ll be free.
relationship
What’s old is new again
I’ve stated before that I find sex comfortable. It’s easy, like breathing. At least now, at least for me. I’m good at many aspects of it, could use some improvement in others. Always be learning. But that’s not really my point. I say it to merely frame it because what I mean to say could be construed as lack of or being bad at sex.
It’s not the orgasm or the sex or all the varieties of kink I enjoy. Though kink is going to hold my attention longer. No, at the base level it’s being with someone who shares an outlook. Be they geek, book nerd, writer, poet, Sub to my Master, or musician. Its that sharing that draws me, and much as I enjoy the physical side of such relationships, it is the mental side that is the most interesting.
And sometimes on the physical side, I don’t need sex. If my partner needs it, then I will express myself in that language. But for me, sometimes I just want to hold them, to demonstrate that I have them. That they are safe, cared for, cherished. And yes loved, though that can take time to develop.
It’s odd, right? All the connection in the world without compatible sexual views and at most you have a friendship. All the sexual chemistry without the mental component and at best a fuck buddy. It takes the two aspects together to make it more. And the way I seem to want to express that is to hold them. To keep them safe. Its an odd realization that me keeping my partner safe is the way I choose as the most caring. Or perhaps not given aspects of my past.
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Gah!
We are not friends, we are coworkers. You, Do not get to ask me for favors. That I love you is of no moment. We are not in a relationship. I will not allow my emotional state to influence my behavior. Yes I will protect you from physical harm. I will also offer advice if asked. I do those things because I need to, not because I’m wrapped around your finger or somehow became a agreeable fellow. Your wording made me feel like you were playing on my emotions and I do not appreciate that. Don’t offer things you are not prepared to give.
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Past is future
What’s funny about the ‘My future choices’ post is this, it is about my future. Not the choices I have already made. Which are to like one person and love another. Those relationship states don’t go away, I’ll just be more cautious with them. I’ll step forward, but I don’t step away if you get my meaning. Just a passing thought.
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My future choices
After so many missteps, I must begin to consider that it isn’t bad luck. I must accept that the people who I am attracted to are hurting in some way. I think because my first love was hurting and I was her strength. Indeed, we drew strength from each other. So perhaps I’m looking for the echo of that relationship in future relationships. I’m not doing it consciously. But I need to exam my attraction more closely. Not because desiring to help is bad necessarily but to do it as an acquaintance or advisor may be a better option for me emotionally. Going forward anyway. Choices made are already made and I must live in the shadow of those choices.
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Need vs want
I have loved out of both want and need. Been with people out of both want and need. I want to be with you, you are interesting. I want to be with you, you make me laugh. People we want are fun. They are pleasant to be around and over time we can fall in love with them. This is a safe and rational way to live, to love.
Occasionally, rarely, you will encounter someone with whom the world just clicks. Colors are brighter, the things they say resonate, the world is better with them in it. This is need. They elevate you and hopefully you elevate them. This is passion and fire. Want is a sudden blaze then banked coals. Need can start slow, but it ignites like a nascent sun.
I’ve experienced both. Want is fine, and can work for a lifetime. But for circumstance, I would be with someone I wanted. Thought I needed before I experienced need.
Need is different, I don’t know if it’s better but each love is different in its way. Perhaps need is only another facet of love, perhaps a step closer to obsession.
Need consumes and one must be weary. Need can consume and destroy as well as its fire can be turned to creation. I don’t know what this need will lead to, but it is better than want. I have the stark contrast of my friendships whom I want vs the people I need.
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Twirl
Lay your burden down and dance with me
Grasp my hand and press close
Whisper to me of desires unsaid, as we sway and step
Disregard those around us
they are of no consequence
Only you and I exist
Dream of me
of my touch, my voice, my words
Share this world with me
or find new world’s in our kiss
in our eyes
Cry or scream, laugh or squee,
this minute, this moment made manifest
and you, and you.
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Chase you?
I don’t chase. If I ask and you say no or not interested, I don’t ask again. I was talking to a friend of mine, a woman, and I was telling her why a relationship I had last year ended. We were talking, the person I was dating and I, and they said they were afraid to tell me something.
You know me, if it makes you afraid do it. So I tell them to say it so we can talk about it. They tell me “I’m trying not to fall in love with you.” My reaction: What the fuck! Why would you not want to fall in love with me!? I’m amazing. I’m not fighting falling in love with you. I said to them “I’m not mad, and thank you for your honesty” because what the fuck else am I going to say? Anyway the relationship went downhill from that point.
So my friend says, “My girl dictionary tells me that that phrase means that they were saying to chase harder.” Huh!? I’m all in, in a relationship. Examples: sexual sensual poems, gifts that are spot on, daily communication, instant response, always there, always available, hanging out and dates, hell they met some of my friends. Anyway, I’m all in, every time. So I tell my friend, “I don’t chase. If I asked you out and you said yes, and we go on more than 1 date. Then I’m in. For however long we last and as serious as you will allow.”
I find it funny, because I do ask out vanilla people if I think we are compatible or would be fun. And when they say no and I say ok and walk, I think they may be confused. I know for damn sure they are confused in the relationship. I don’t need to chase you. I’m not looking for sex. I can get that wherever. I’m looking for something deeper, something interesting. Ideally, a master, me, and a submissive, and whoever else as long as we are primary. If I’m wishing for situations here. Anyway, that’s the thought that occurred to me while driving home and I thought I’d pull over and write it before I lost it.
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Stop
I found myself Internet Stalking an ex this morning. I have no idea why we broke up. We hadn’t been seeing each other that long. Then one morning I get a text like lightning from the sky that she’s breaking it off. Ok…, no reason. Says something to the effect that she still wants to talk about books with me and that she was sorry she hurt me? Except, she hadn’t done anything TO hurt me. I responded, in my typical fashion, that I wasn’t hurt but if I was then it wasn’t her responsibility. My emotions are my responsibility. I did want to talk about why we were breaking apart, and said as much but that was the last I heard from her. I think about her every once in a while. We were doing OK, not a house on fire. But there was potential there. It’s just puzzling to me.
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Worksheet: the path to letting go
You want that boy and not me. He’s attractive in a bland way. Thin, unlike myself. Though our weights are going in opposite directions, perhaps I’ll wave when we pass each other by. He’s easy with a slimy smile, something soft and malleable in him. He manipulates and doesn’t stay. He’s hedonistic without the learned restraint. Dangerous in a BDSM setting because as a top he’d look to his pleasure first. Put his needs above his submissive. Though I doubt he’d have the discipline for the life. Probably just calls it rough sex, so he can take without giving. He is my opposite in most ways. Easy where I am difficult. Smiles where I am sardonic grins. Smiles that never quite reach his eyes. Where my eyes are mostly how I smile. Shallow waters where I am deep lake with a thermal vent river. He’s a pretty plaything. A bauble picked up then discarded. But I sense he is the type to hit when not wanted; to take when not offered. I would wish I could protect you but you’ve made your choice. I cannot intervene now unless you ask for my help.
He’s not even an adequate lover, you told me about him before we fell apart. Soft when he should be hard, cums one time to your zero times. Pretty, shallow and useless. Insists on no condom. Dirtbag and you went right for him.
I was never that guy. Accomplished by 24, in skills I don’t use anymore admittedly, dating older not younger at that age. I was never easy, never thin either. Alot of muscle but alot of fat too. But tall with wide shoulders. A thinker and a planner. A knight of dark renown. Honor and all that with a bad boy rep. Careful until the moment then I’d dive head first into the deeps. Sexually inexperienced but not virginal. Kegels since I was 12, fine pelvic and ejaculate control resulting. Yes, Kegels are not just for women. Tongue workouts since I was 18. When you like going down as much as I do, you want to make sure you can go as long as your desire dictates. Morgan had some good clay to work with. Pain was already something I liked when we met. She refined my palate and allowed me to grow.
If that boy is what she wants, then I was never right for her. He’s bland milk chocolate. I’m artisan cacoa, seventy percent.
Pelgris 