Every night feels long
Tossing and turning
Waiting for words to come
Today is the Winter Solstice. Today the strength of night surges and fades. Today winter wakes and reaches forth its hand.
Today it all ends and maybe begins again. The spent fury of transition.
Today is a day of relunctance. Wanting one more hour of sleep. Reaching out across dreams. Hoping to give a moment of peace.
Feeling unsettled and anxious.
Today is a day of contemplation. Of enacting last strategies. And setting last pieces on the board.
Today is the winter solstice.
Today night surges and fades.
Today Winter unfurls and spends its fury on the world
Give this wavering line
This movement of sand
This soft latex
Breathing in like summer wine
Summer dies in slow gasps
While winter builds piece on piece
Tell me your thoughts
Invite me into your memory
Winter takes its first step
Take my hand
I’ve got no idea what I’m doing most days. Just getting through, just getting on
Some days I wish I had stayed asleep. Had never loved…and lost. I knew who I was then. What I would do with my life. But I was loved and I was lost. And those doors are long closed. Memories I can’t even share. Secret lives, no matter how far in the past are a burden you never put down.
I feel like I traveled in a time machine the hard way. By living it. By sleepwalking through it. Clawing my way back to some new chance that eludes me. Maybe because I want it so much. Maybe because I hold on so tight. Maybe because I can’t let go. I feel like I’m starting over when most people seem to have at least a semblance of an idea where they are going.
They’re making future plans and I’m just trying to plan for having a future.
And yet I look at them living lives and I don’t understand them.
Passionate weirdos and artists and nerds I get. I don’t understand the earn money to earn more money to buy vacations to keep going to the job you hate to keep the marriage going that’s stable but without passion. And still, I look at what they have and I’m envious.
They’re living their chances and I get a few but never know how to get past the start.
I keep starting over and over and I’m always back to this place. Confident but alone.
Wondering what’s next.
Wondering if all the possibilities are in the past and all I have are these words I scream in the wilderness and these days that pass so slowly and so fast.
Present in the moment is as much curse as blessing.
With the future nothing more than a ephemeral dream, present becomes of such importance. And not being with those I would choose, who I have no idea if they would choose me, is like being shredded apart only to coalesce whole at the start of the day. Each minute is a new chance, and so each minute becomes a failure. Until the weight of such drags me down to dreaming. At least in oblivion, desire is fulfilled. Though only shadows as portent and memory fade.
After the winter solstice it all winds down. A clockwork spending its energy. This is the time most people wake and grow. This is the time that I fade.
Today we Morn.
Today is the last day of Nights Ascendancy.
We morn the return of the sun.
But just as the power of night fades, Winter’s might is unleashed.
Let all this night Tremble, on this longest night
On this day of Winter
Let the storm’s fury break and in the shattering
let night wake, Let winter Dance
Let Summer cower, for Winter is come!
The world is turning
dipping to lowest ebb
til transition at brightest peak
my love resplendent in her power
I my weakest
the mantle passes from the hot gold fecundity of the summer moon
to the cold sharp quiescent winter sky
this would seem to paint us rivals
opposites in struggle
these moments of transition are the hours of our lovemaking
an epic titanic love
which seemingly makes us lonely
but there are other worlds
the bitter winter of space itself
the fierce nuclear fire of the stars
our love is the universe
our lovemaking the acts that foster change
we are love bound together
played out in dances big and small
Dance with us