Sleep eludes me in my bed
As thoughts swim in the rarified air
Of what might yet be
But heart reminds
She sleeps curled up
safe
Deep within us
And though we wake
And are alone
hope and desire bloom anew
love
Cliff diving
It’s safe to say that I’ve been in a few relationships. Additionally, I’ve dated and had my share of bad dates. I’ve probably been the bad date for some. Too timid or too argumentative in the instances I’m thinking of. But I’ve loved and been loved. Held and been held. I think I know those traits I’m not willing to tolerate and those that make me enthusiastic and all those in between. But it’s that feeling of connection that drives me forward.
I used to exam any connection I felt, measuring all the ways it could go wrong or could go right. I’d spin up scenarios and let them play out, always looking for the perfect way forward. I’d sit on the lip of the cliff, looking over the edge. Backing up, then going right to the edge until I either lost my nerve completely or threw a pebble with a note attached to await a response. It was safe. Got to safe guard the heart, I’d been hurt before and didn’t want to feel that again.
I tried and failed and tried and failed in this way for about 5 years. A few dates, a few false starts but nothing ever came of it. We had a bit of fun is the best I could say. Then I did some mental renovation.
I started by allowing myself the luxury of feeling. Of being a complete emotional being. With my emotions fully integrated with my thoughts, my logic. It wasn’t that I hadn’t been feeling things. Just that I had been hiding behind my walls all safe and cozy. I have a high degree of empathy, and being around others in mental distress can cause a nasty feedback loop. But I was hiding, because a wall is easy. Learning how to deal is hard. So I tore the wall down.
For the first time in years I felt everything. It was crippling for a while. But I refused to step back to my perceived safety. For all that the lows were bad, the highs were more and the general middle was better than the muted existence behind my walls. It took a couple of years to stabilize. But now it has.
There have been other changes, small tweaks here and there. The manipulation of belief structures and the questioning of long held ideas. A reexamination of every thought and idea to see if I still felt that way or if I was just operating by rote. This lead to some strides forward and ultimately to the person I am now. Moving forward, the most complete version of myself. Which is scary, but if it’s scary then that’s a reason to do it.
Now, I’m not afraid of the chasm, I’m afraid of not finding one. So now when I find someone I have connection to, be that emotional, mental or the rare purely physical connection, I jump. I jump off the cliff. I know it is dangerous, I know I’ll likely be hurt. But it isn’t a risk that I’ll feel bad or heartbroken, it’s an opportunity to feel happy, to love and be loved.
So I jump off cliffs, and I fall in love, and I allow my heart to be free.
Grab my hand?
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Fury of the storm
Is it hopeless?
I can honestly say that I have found the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Found them twice in fact. Because there is not just one person in the world whose soul vibrates at the same frequency, there are many. Sometimes you find them and they are ripped away, sometimes they walk away for reasons of their own, and sometimes you’re just in wildly different mental places and it’s doomed. But those are all endings. Endings take care of themselves.
It’s beginnings and middles that are important. Start boldly, love fiercely. Love them with all that you are. As the rush of the new begins to fade embrace the middle, hold on, renewing your love each day. Sometimes each moment. Find that sharp ache in your heart and fan those flames. Kiss them, hold them, touch them. Find something new or a new aspect of them each day. Change for yourself and out of your desire to be better and more for them. Be the best version of yourself. Love can free you to achieve greatness.
If you find love like this, build love like this, then fight for it, fight for them. Never walk away. If they are in darkness be a beacon out of that darkness. Relationships are difficult but the rewards are beyond the pale. Always remember, endings take care of themselves. Your responsibility is the now and immediate future. By all means, make plans. Just be prepared for those moments when plans go awry and improvisation is the only answer.
Love, love with all that you are. All else is foolish without that.
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Silly heart: revisited
The reality is I’m starting to fall for you. I get butterflies when I see that you liked something and when you comment it makes me feel, about what I posted, validated. It’s not a game. It’s what I feel and I don’t want to play games with you regarding my feelings. What I am is afraid. Not just afraid that if I say something, it will be revealed that I’m reading far too much into things. But also that I may lose someone who genuinely likes my work, because I’ve made you feel uncomfortable.
You asking if it was a game was like a kick to the stomach. It’s not a game. I would never knowingly play with someone’s emotions like that. It’s a action dictated by fear. I only didn’t realize that until something was said. Now that I know I must face it. As I feel I have by publishing a response. Tell me whatever you wish. I wait.
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Silly heart
I feel foolish whenever I start to fall for someone I don’t really know. We’ll have some points of commonality. We’ll like the same things or find it easy to talk to each other. We’re not dating or doing anything overtly romantic but I start to fall anyway. I know its happening and I don’t want it to stop. Even though I, intellectually, know it will end badly. With me heartbroken and them at least confused.
It’s feels good. And as long as they don’t know of my explicit interest, I can go easy. I don’t need the constant communication I desire in a relationship because they don’t know. They can’t be expected to do something if they don’t know it’s happening.
I anticipate speaking with them. If you’ve ever seen Simon’s Cat roll around in catnip, its like that. Them talking or just commenting is like a release, a total releasing of tension.
And secretly, in my heart of hearts, I hope they are falling too. That, maybe they will break the tension first. And we can begin in earnest.
I often desire what I cannot have. It is a real problem. Perhaps this is another manifestation of that, but would I change it so that I don’t fall so easily? I don’t think so.
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Thoughts that spill tears
I haven’t been to sleep in 24 hours
And I can feel the sluggish nature of my thoughts, but I think I’d be OK if I never slept again. Because when I sleep I dream and I remember my dreams. I’m aware in them. And often I’m with someone who loves me. It’s not Morgan anymore. I don’t know who they are. I just know that they wait for me beyond the veil of sleep. They accept and love me for all of me, my flaws, everything that I am. And that’s great but I leave them. I wake and I’m torn away from them over and over. I don’t know how long I can endure that. So not sleeping seems the better course, but I feel like I could be betraying them by staying away. What if they are as real as I am and they wait for me? What if we’re both just searching and this is what we’ve found. It’s both insane and sad when I write it out, but that’s who I am right now. A sad, lonely writer, dreaming of something he had, that it seems he’ll never have again. Madness seams a refuge in that case.
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Cowardice?
I wish I had the courage to say to all those that I love, “I love you.” I wish I had the courage to say to all those who I think I could love, “I could love you, given time and half a chance.” I wish I could say, “There is something about you that is so compelling.” I wish I could share what I see. I would wish that I was not so fearful of the consequences. If I say those things, what would the fallout be? Would I be believed? And if I am believed, would I be dismissed, disregarded? Or worse, met with silence. As if I never were. This is what consumes me. And all the lust, all the fire of the physical. Is a mask worn to conceal these thoughts, these needs. But like all thoughts, when worn long enough, they have become a part of me. Inextricably linked to how I view love. It is not enough to love someone emotionally. I need to touch them. For some just a few fingers against their arm, or a hug. For others they consume me and I need to consume them. To feel comfortable, complete.
I love many people. Each uniquely, each for different reasons. But I love them. I wish I was free or fool enough to declare it.
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Love with me
Love with abandon
With passion
With panic and pain
Love with obsession
With desire
With creativity
Love with totality
With inclusiveness
With precision
Love with lust
With sensuality
With finality
Love with soul
With tenderness
With attention
Love with hope
With positivity
With sunshine
Love with darkness
With secrets
With dreams
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Reveal yourself, so that I may
I look into your eyes, giving you my soul
I take fierce possession of your mouth with mine. Hand to the back of your neck while my other grasps your hand our fingers intertwined. I growl my desire. Every inch of my skin burns to touch yours. To revel in your pleasure, waiting for the sweet moment when you say yes. I undress you slowly. Each button, each clasp revealing more of you. I hold your eyes as I stroke and kiss every inch. I’m ready, but I go slow. I write poetry with my fingers and tongue on your skin. Tell me about your day, I need to hear you while my eyes and hand and mouth, taste and touch and drink every square centimeter of you. Of my temple. I worship. The jasmine earth of your taste, golden nectar. This and a thousand other pleasures, fills my mind.
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Poem or rant?
Love that is comfortable is a love that is too easy
It is merely comfort
Love that is real always feels a bit uneasy
It should be growing
Changing
And growth, change are always uncomfortable
Like new skin
Without that feeling
Love sits on its laurels
It stagnates
And stagnation leads to the death of love
Let love ride uneasy
Let it be uncomfortable
Let it prompt change
Let it prompt growth
Or else
Prepare yourself for its loss
Pelgris 