That simple smile holds back despair
That cold drink saying everything is a lie
Not even a lie
Told to be kind
But instead masks the malice of never wanted
Smiling faces
Facade drip blood
Broken branches
Nothing of the me that was remains
Only memories which fade and die
Losing coherence until only a dull ache
Remains to make eyes see
Nothing works
Not even love
And only the steep slide into oblivion
That slow churning slip into disappearance
Presents as solution
depression
Maybe I just miss my cat
Life is a series of disappointing events stretching out to the horizon
Stacked one on one until the last kills
Each day is a pointless stumble from one meaningless task to the next
And each moment we struggle to free ourselves results in just one more cinching of the noose
Each action crumbles into paralysis
Breaking ourselves open
Searching in the blood and offal for some shred of hope
Finding the one pearl that seems to give meaning
Right up until it crumbles and blows away
Never what you thought it was
And having known hope where before was only bland continuance
You fall
Pushed into despair
And drown
Each fight to the surface
To glimpse the reflected sun of hope
Ends in the deep water reclaiming you
Until the only action left is to drown with something like dignity
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A night in the lonesome September
Is it folly to love deeply?
To break bread with heartache in the slim hope of a tomorrow not promised?
To drink from the cup of dreams
Our love burns now
A fire unquenched
A conflagration which itself ignites and births forth a sun
And still I fear
For life has taught me that I fail
That love
No matter how deep
Or hot
Dies
And too often quenched before mine own
Or maybe not this time
Maybe in each other we are found
Seen
Known
Loved
I am a fool of hope
Painting pictures in my blood
Hearts beat
And soon joined
“How will I ever let you go?”
Whispers the dark liar
“She won’t want you”
I don’t need assurance
I’m no fading flower waiting to be perked up
I need her by my side
My champion, my conqueror,
Mine
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Laments and triumphs right before sleeping
Tangible requirements make my life easier
Each precious morsel of information
Giving one more way to be sure
To be certain
To harness control
When everything is crashing around
Real facts are all I can hold onto
When my brain is saying, “She’ll leave you, doesn’t want you, no one does.”
This bit of truth about your favorite book
About the things you say
About the words and reals
Of us
They hold back the tide
You are not alone
And neither am I
We must remember this
Even when darkness tells lies
Even when it seems like the world conspires against us
We are we
We face it together
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One song blends into another
Can’t keep my mind straight
Reading pages and forgetting the words
First Glimmers of light
But fearing it’s a cave in
Not the dawn
Lost thoughts falling over the cliff
Heart hurting
Hearing the last strains of a song
Wondering if the next, we’ll play together
Or am I forever a solo project
Lost in the final phrases
In the stillness
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Even the sun hides it’s face
In the bleak expanse of morning
When the lengthening night grows strong and the light fades
When the dark retreats
When only dew and shadows remain
Find me there
Bleeding from wounds left untended
Mouth speaking lies
While eyes plead to see
Blood stains newly fallen snow
And always the words spoken
“I’m fine”
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Too long spent holding on
These painted flower memories
Playing back
Time after time
Bright and shining and lifeless
Just one more time
One more turn of the wheel
These not quite lies
Movies playing in the heart until the brain
Believes
This is what was
This is what will be
Painted pictures making truths
Until the eyes see
The mirror reflects
And what was
What will be
Drowns
Crashes down
Edifice crumbled
One more I love you
Before I sleep
Hope….
What’s that even mean?
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When we jump, will we fall or fly?
Nights passed and still sleep has yet to find me
Words unsaid
Unthunk
Undone
Unravel out seeking tether
Weary eyes no match for a weary heart bound up in aching
Telling myself what is
Telling myself what to do
And still my heart pounds and screams
Rocking itself to anything but sleep
The conscious mind says follow the path
Says wait
Says we have a plan and a way and just follow the steps
And my heart cries
But not so schismatic
We are united
Maybe that’s the gift of knowing
To break oneself into pieces which observe and know the whole
Or maybe my tired brain is seek connections
To hold onto any truth to keep from sinking
And maybe I want to sink
Though I’ve seen the dark precipice of death from the shores of drowning
And its not peaceful
So no sinking
But my mind drowns
Drifts away
Untended
Untethered
How to sleep?
Waiting for fate to flip the next card
Was it always this hard…
Probably
It’s easy to forget the sludge dark
When you have somehow managed a bit of time in the sky
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Give me an enemy, someone to fight, but don’t give me this emptiness
Every word read cuts like a knife through flesh made tender by the pounding of fists
Glances through doorways during meetings sends the mind tailspinning through all the possibilities of what they are saying about me
And I know that these words weren’t written about me…probably
And I know that those glances are an attempt at distraction during a boring meeting…most likely
But feeling isn’t logic and pain doesn’t care why
It Wraps its chains and drags one down making each step harder
Until sleep is both the enemy and the only retreat
Until longing for arms to hold me gives me pause and exhaustion forces its way in and into cold plunges of water which mask the symptoms
“You’re looking better…”
For now, for now but sleep is the liar
And too much breaks the will as easily as too little
And blood on the water has the sharks circling
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Eyes burn, hand goes numb, nothing left but to stand
Sleep
It’s all I have
And still I avoid it
I feel the pain of waking
And my heart hurting
Hours pass until exhaustion
Until it’s too late
The world is spinning
Obligations
The day starts
They don’t see
Don’t know
They look at me
Acting like they care
Can’t believe them
So easy to lie
So easy to see
The thing is
I give chances out of the gate
I trust until trust is broken
But broken once
It’s never repaired
Reforged links are never as strong
But here I am putting off what might have saved me
Instead walk in
Tired
Without safety
Wondering if I can save me
But I never have before
Instead lost in my own way
Stumbling for hearts too distant to see me
We run through the darkness
Hoping for light
But when it comes we find our way blind
Making the mistake that sends us back to its lack
And sleep
Too little
Too late
They say you have to save yourself
But if I could I would have
I’m just a whispered memory
Lost in false reverie
Fueled by a pain too ephemeral to be embraced
Last mistakes
Mounting higher until we break
Funny how it’s all about the money
Spent to survive, to get through the days
Until we break and what’s left?
To walk away
To die starving
Or embrace the eternal dark
The last home
When all other sanctuary is lost
Pelgris 