Eyes burn, hand goes numb, nothing left but to stand

Sleep
It’s all I have
And still I avoid it
I feel the pain of waking
And my heart hurting
Hours pass until exhaustion
Until it’s too late
The world is spinning
Obligations
The day starts
They don’t see
Don’t know
They look at me
Acting like they care
Can’t believe them
So easy to lie
So easy to see

The thing is
I give chances out of the gate
I trust until trust is broken
But broken once
It’s never repaired

Reforged links are never as strong
But here I am putting off what might have saved me
Instead walk in
Tired
Without safety
Wondering if I can save me

But I never have before
Instead lost in my own way
Stumbling for hearts too distant to see me
We run through the darkness
Hoping for light
But when it comes we find our way blind
Making the mistake that sends us back to its lack

And sleep
Too little
Too late

They say you have to save yourself
But if I could I would have
I’m just a whispered memory
Lost in false reverie
Fueled by a pain too ephemeral to be embraced

Last mistakes
Mounting higher until we break
Funny how it’s all about the money
Spent to survive, to get through the days
Until we break and what’s left?

To walk away
To die starving
Or embrace the eternal dark
The last home
When all other sanctuary is lost

Torn Asunder 15.1

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Sharp intake of breathe, the world grows heavy

Spin you gyre
In flame grown dark
In feast grown cold
Fierce and fury spent
Last raindrops fell
Silence
The wind dropped nothing
Pause in held breathe
Waiting in procession
Waiting to take you home

Torn Asunder 10.2

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Split Sky 15.1

Split Sky 14.1

Train Whistle

So I have two simultaneous tracks of thoughts running right now and they go like this
Shouts, “Fuck!”

But with different inflections
On the one hand the job I thought I had is vanishing faster than sand in a windstorm. I might as well be standing on the tarmac as it goes flying by while the pilot Shouts, “No really, I have nothing to hide.” Which, as we all know is code for, I have things to hide. And the more it’s repeated, the more we know that the thing you’re hiding is deep and dark.

And on the other hand, I’m excited and anticipatory but apprehensive too. Because, I know it’ll go OK but I also know that I tend to go silent when I’m nervous and when there’s nothing to lose, I’m on top of the world but then I start thinking, and that churn begins. That overthinking and the litany of failure and all my friends saying that’s great but I don’t want you to get hurt and I smile and say I understand when I just want to say too late.

But
It’ll be fine right?
My life isn’t a pointless series of days where people I love leave me and I’m way too much for anyone, everyone else. My dad’s fine and it’s probably not cancer and even though he’s gotten more conservative than sane Republicans, I’m not ready to lose him.

Did I say 2 tracks?
I must have lost count.

Memories fail to fade

Draught of breath
Encroaching dark
Pulling us down
Deep beneath the waves
Lungs fill with fire
Last struggle
Before peace
And blank eyes
Staring
Haunt forever

Grief never fades

Splay me open
Crack my chest
There’s little enough left
A heart in tatters
Each new day cut slivers
Stuck in throat
Flowed out with tears come unbidden
Weaving a false tale of hopes realization
Fantasy without root
Just another sliver
An ache that never ends
Take what blood remains
Chest hollowed out
Filled with burnt ash
An endless well

Can’t let go, can’t hold on

It’s all I can do to keep myself from hyperventilating.
From thinking
from losing it in front of other people
from this empty
from concerned friends
from this lump in my throat
from the need to be held
from an endless lack
from pointless drift
from a need I can’t fulfill
from an ache I can’t suppress