Veins

all choosing and not choosing leads down branching paths
each word spoken, written or left unsaid is a choice
each step, fast or slow, each breath we take

yet we feel these moments when something possible slips away
and we cannot help but regret them.  I don’t know if this possible slips away for good.  I don’t know if what I chose to keep on course with will be what I need.
I don’t know

Uncertainty makes us grasp and reach for the differing branch
the unknown, the possible always seems like the better choice
because that world is a fantasy
It doesn’t have the problems of the one we chose
Because we do not envision the problems, only the ideal.

And maybe it would be great, amazing even
I have the feeling it would be
But right now
Where I am now
I could not imagine life without
and because I could not
A choice, a word, it all had to be said
And decided
For now

Finding minutes

The cold seeps in
Tearing me open
A thousand words unsaid
Leaving flechette blooms

Heat rises
Blood flows freely
A thousand acts taken
Leaving indelible marks

Heart beats
Lips caress skin
A thousand choices
Leading me to you

Companionable silence

every secret
every truth
spilled from lips
I long to kiss
I’ve made my choice
I wait for you to make yours

Boundaries?

Someone I care for has said that I push boundaries. Like it is something that I actively do. My perception is that I know who I am and what I want. I may not know day to day what I’m doing and I get lost all the time but ultimately I have a rock solid idea of where I began and how I got to here. 

 My ideas are evolving. I am evolving and learning. I change as time passes. We all do. I’m just paying close attention and shaping myself as I go. Is that pushing boundaries? 

I think of boundaries as the lines we draw ourselves with. Mine are spokes radiating outward. Ebbing and flowing to encompass new ideas or discarding old ones. Is that pushing boundaries? Or is that, at least for my self, a disregard for the existence of boundaries.

 It’s not like I don’t fear things. And I hate changes I have no influence on. But my self? I think I am not willing to be defined by boundaries. Lines that I won’t cross. There are a few. I have defined those. But they are more broad outlines with escape clauses should it prove necessary. 

 Perhaps I don’t define myself by the boundaries I won’t cross but by the things I will do. Maybe that is the more accurate statement . 

Risk, maybe this reality

Shaped tendrils reach out snapping
Disturbed maelstrom whir
Each idea more toxic than the last
Flying apart
“Hold it together”
The long road
Each cautious step
Little by little
Against my nature
Made worthwhile
by the sound of your voice
Fighting, fighting to keep from jumping
Flying apart
“Keep it together”
I don’t know how we end
… I hope that we don’t.

Decision

Should I love less
Now as winter creeps on
Than I had in spring
When full and fresh
Blossoming in the warm
Languid air

Should I love less
As the sky grows colder
The clouds heavier
As winter spreads her wings
Snow blankets the ground
Bitter breathe freezing

Should I love less
When dawn bursts forth
Consuming darkness in a
Wave of heat

Should I love less
When day concedes to night
And all before is laid low
By shadows

Should I love less
Should I dance less
Should I burn less
Should I be less

Or take up the mantle
And become
Both less and more
Dichotomous Angel
Brought message blazed out
Sanity and rage
Emptiness and Glut
Given form, given choice, given life

A fevere dream of hope.

Each grain falls alone

Broken up and broken
Shattered up and shooken
Beaten and battered
You’re all that had mattered
Dreams are forever
But in reality it’s never
Reap and repeat
I wish it were more upbeat
But it’s all just ruthless
All my efforts are fruitless
These aren’t games that I play
But emotions run deep
For all that I say
I am here for keeps
Need a word in my ear
Something to tell me to stay
To make me take that leap
To fight all that is fear
And wait.

Powers and principalities

If I could sooth every ache
stop every tear
turn sadness to joy
show fear as hope
heal the pain of heartbreak
I would

You are the light in my world
In your cocoon of my heart
I would see you become all that you desire

Haunting Silence

There is a truth to be had in silence
In her silence, in mine
It’s easier to be silent
To let time slip by in the hope that it will solve things
One way or another
But time is a funny thing
It doesn’t yield solutions
It only brings opportunity and choices
I’ll always choose you
And so, I am not silent
And I say that I choose you
And I wait, with trepidation, for you to end silence
Fearing that you won’t
Fearing that you will

Alchymist Rose

Spilt anger smoulder down to ember
cool rain spills
healing, seething, boiling
rekindle blaze
breeze to bonfire
snuffed out to smoke
become the wind
embrace of winter’s love
flurries fall
crystalline coherence shatters
push up and struggle
take breathe
grow heavy and substantial
future’s hope spread light
safe in the eye of the storm