You think you have forever, that you will see them later, that you have time, but it’s just not true. The person that brightens your life today could be gone by the afternoon. Tell the people in your life that you love them, they could just as easily be gone tomorrow.
Thoughts
Wondering
I hate the thought that someone may be waiting for me to ask them something, that if I just asked, I could be with them. I hate that idea, how can I know how you feel? Just ask me, the answer will likely be yes. And if its no then at least you’ll be free.
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Tired at 4 am
Only this moment exists. Everything else is either a promise or a dream
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What’s old is new again
I’ve stated before that I find sex comfortable. It’s easy, like breathing. At least now, at least for me. I’m good at many aspects of it, could use some improvement in others. Always be learning. But that’s not really my point. I say it to merely frame it because what I mean to say could be construed as lack of or being bad at sex.
It’s not the orgasm or the sex or all the varieties of kink I enjoy. Though kink is going to hold my attention longer. No, at the base level it’s being with someone who shares an outlook. Be they geek, book nerd, writer, poet, Sub to my Master, or musician. Its that sharing that draws me, and much as I enjoy the physical side of such relationships, it is the mental side that is the most interesting.
And sometimes on the physical side, I don’t need sex. If my partner needs it, then I will express myself in that language. But for me, sometimes I just want to hold them, to demonstrate that I have them. That they are safe, cared for, cherished. And yes loved, though that can take time to develop.
It’s odd, right? All the connection in the world without compatible sexual views and at most you have a friendship. All the sexual chemistry without the mental component and at best a fuck buddy. It takes the two aspects together to make it more. And the way I seem to want to express that is to hold them. To keep them safe. Its an odd realization that me keeping my partner safe is the way I choose as the most caring. Or perhaps not given aspects of my past.
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Deep structure in organic thought
If one has a base set of rules, basic operating parameters, from which to live by. Then one has a mental base of operations from which to assail reality. This allows one the mental framework to adapt and change as time passes and circumstances twist. While retaining a core true self that changes as interpretation of the basic rule structure themselves undergo changes.
Changes forced by the ever flowing river of time and the constant desire to be the epitimouse version of the self. To be a person worthy of your stated goals. This adaptability must be tempered with logic and compassion as the ever evolving self can be seen by others as a betrayal of the basis the relationship was founded on.
While working on the inner self it is important to work on one’s relationships to others else one will find oneself alone. Which, while conducive on some levels to seeking, is ultimately dangerous to overall psyche of the human animal. It should further be noted that at some point the influence of others, of outside perspectives, is a necessary component of growth. Without such, your evolution will be halted by a starvation of input.
Emotionally, a opinion from a friend will be given more weight than one of a stranger or acquaintance. If only because of that emotional connection. Therefore these connections become important in later growth stages.
It is easy to become comfortable, to stop growing, stop learning, stop changing. Thus it is important to make the decision early that these changes are necessary for self improvement and as such must be allowed to be explored. One need not incorporate every avenue of realization into one’s core but one should be aware of the option and parameters of doing so.
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Formal education
I have never been good at formal learning. I want to learn something, not learn to take a test on it. And I want to learn it to a level that it becomes almost instinctual so that I can incorporate that information into a larger view of the world. I am a jack of all trades master of none, not because I am a dilettante, but because the narrow specificity of focus required for mastery necessarily limits the scope of outside information. This, in turn, limits the viability of ideas generated on the small scale because those ideas exist independent of outside structure. But nothing stands on its own, to be useful short or long term, the specific must be tied to something else which connects to the larger fabric. It is here that a generalist shines. At seeing and improvising within the framework of their knowledge.
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A thing that I say.5
The word honestly is usually used by someone who is about to lie, or at the least, obfuscate the truth of a situation.
This is a problem for me.
I use honestly, often. In the context I use it in, I mean I’m about to scrape out a piece of my innermost thoughts and share it. Which is diametrically opposed to what it normally means. But what am I to do? Give this long explanation before I say my piece? That seems. inelegant.
I guess I could say, “From my heart” or some such but that sounds weak. The words themselves are soft and present weakness. Whereas the word “honestly” has hard s and t sounds and thus has a emotional weight of authority and strength.
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Brutal introspection
I can never leave well enough alone. I always push, always want more than is there to be had. Some of that comes from a deep feeling that every person I truly care for is going to leave me. If they see the part of me they’ll hate, they’ll leave. Or instead, I choose to associate with people who don’t want me, or are taken in some way. Be it their own lives, their relational entanglements, or their mental state. And if, by some miracle, I find someone who likes me, I will push and push for more and more until they have no choice but to walk away or sacrifice their own sanity, which I’ll see and walk away to save them. I don’t know how to stop this. I think I’ve learned, each time and each time I fuck up. Now, the fuck ups are all a little different. But, they are variations on the theme. The happier I am, the more likely I am to self sabotage.
The other part comes from seeing myself as a monster. For the things I’ve done and the things I’m capable of. For who could love a monster, such as I. And if you could, why? Pity? Martyrdom? I won’t have love from either.
At the end of the day, I’m fucked up. And despite how much less fucked up I am now, as compared to when I started this journey, I still have a long road. A long road I fear I’ll never see the end of.
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The wheel turns
So I have a new Submissive. It’s online only at this point. She is an amazing person and new to being a sub. I’m pleased I get to be the one to play with and teach her. Ideally we would do this in person. But needs must. It’s the reason I Have been happy and as a corollary unable to write poetry. I’m working on that and need to be able to by April. Poetry month otherwise know as the Bataan death march of poetry. A poem a day, plus normal posts. It was hard as hell last year, lets see how it is this year. I may up it to 2 poems a day since I have been writing so prolifically. But my sub is amazing. I tried being vanilla for awhile. I was miserable. She is game for anything and I appreciate that. She is a beautiful creature and I’ll smack the shit out of anyone that says otherwise. My miss, you are mine. And that makes me happy.
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Writing poetry
I have not been writing much poetry lately. Basically because my poetry tends to come from a place of darkness and loss. And lately, I’ve been happy. I unboxed my memories of the night that My Morgan died and replayed through the events of that night. I came to the realization that I did everything I could. Took every measure possible. The weight I had been holding onto for 10+ years shifted to acceptance. This burden I had been placing, that I was the cause, that I was at fault fell away. There was a responsible party and it was not me. Then I met someone interesting, beautiful though I had never seen them. We’ll see where that leads, but like I always say, Only forward. This is good. These are good things. But it makes it hard to write my brooding poetry. I’ll need to find another way to operate.
Pelgris 