Thoughts

What poetry is

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There is a certain amount of yearning and wanting that goes into poetry. In my case it’s generally about wanting love or touch or sharing moments in time with someone I love or am touching.

Even poems about the wind softly blowing in the breeze have a wistful melancholy that wants for nothing more than a hand to hold or lips to kiss. It’s that deep striving for a path to the beginning. Stories are different, stories are about building world’s and believable prose, trying to get the reader to the place that their suspension of disbelief kicks in and they become transported.

Poetry is about exposing the innermost workings of your heart, of your soul. Exposing everything you are including your fears and needs and desires and sorrows, exposing it all to connect for that fleeting moment with another person. That moment when they see you and recognize themselves and in doing so are a little freer, a little better for knowing that they are not alone. Or at least that’s the hope.

Looking at the numbers

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I am wondering why the post My Rules For My Submissive is the highest viewed page other than the Home Page. Is it that rules for subs are just not posted or that my rules are simple or something else?  Just a thought

Thinking about Vegas

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So, I play roleplaying games. Yes, I know that makes me super nerdy. So what. Go be more than 1 thing, theres still time. So Roleplaying games, Tabletop mainly. Think method acting not Gary Gygax if you get that reference.
A long time ago I ran a VtM(Vampire the Masquerade) game. Set in Vegas. It was a Chronicle I had run 1 time with a group over the course of a year and I liked it so much I started it with another group.  This time I incorporated music into the chronicle.  Specifically the primogens, The leaders of each faction, would have somewhere in the background these songs playing and they gave hints as to what each of these individuals represented and how they saw themselves. If players paid attention they could get vital clues.  This is the play list and the Leaders/characters

1. Me-Malkavian Prince of the City-Regret-Assemblage 23
2. He-CoPrimogen Malkavian-Watching Me fall The cure
/She-Co-Primogens of the Malkavian Faction-there is no if…-The cure
3. Abay-Gangrel physical Child-Ghoul-Bloodline Slayer
4. Aoibheann-Tremere Ghoul- I Put a spell on you-marilyn Manson
5. Aranhod-Gangrel Primogen-The wolf hunt-David Arkenstone
6. Cyrus-Brujah Primogen-I’m Serious-Clipse
7. The City Itself(Las vegas)- Sin City(KMFDM Remix)-Genitorturers
8. Maria-Toreador Ghoul-current lover of Toreador Primogen-Transylvanian Concubine-Rasputina
9. Martin-Toreador Ghoul-Jilted Lover of Toreador Primogen-Everywhere-Michelle Branch
10. Balthazar Caine-Nosferatu Primogen-Citizens’ Utilities-Northern lights
11. Jessica-Toreador Primogen-Sex -Berlin
12. Enjovi Nuwere-Ventrue Primogen-Hand that rocks the cradle-big stan
13. Ṣadr ad-Dīn Muḥammad Shīrāzī-Tremere Primogen-Miss Sheva-Dreams
14.  Michael Archelaus- Mage Representative – Ambassador to Me’s Court-LSG – Into Deep
15. Enkille Aziz-Sheriff-Assamite-Primogen of Minor clans-The Cruxshadows-Dragonfly   conjure one Remix

Goddess of My Heart

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I have lived a lifetime without you.
But now, each moment waking or in sleep has you in it.
I love you, I love you, I love you.
I cannot say it enough because the words themselves are not enough.
I can no longer regret or hold sorrow for any action of my past because each step has been a step closer to you.
I’ve written and rewritten lines and lines and they are all True and all not enough.

Fear

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Between the time we last spoke and the time we next speak are the scariest moments. Because in that time I can’t know what is happening. I know you take care of yourself and from all evidence seem to be a badass. But the relief I feel when I next hear from you is palpable. Like a weight that had slowly settled on my shoulders and heart becomes lifted and thus I am buoyant.

Do other people feel that way? Is that a weird thing to think? I’ve gotten to a point where what I feel is so close to the surface that nothing feels abnormal. Heightened yes but not abnormal and it seems no one talks about the fear.

Or is it that it is normal to drown in so much fear that perceiving one fear from another impossible so it becomes this low level hum that is with you but you don’t know the why’s of it. I, of course, like that thought because if that’s the case then that makes what I do exceptional. But it seems like that is pure arrogance.

I’m the type of guy who sees someone they love sleeping and must watch for a minute to confirm to themselves that their love still breathes. I can’t just pass by. I must confirm it for myself. Sometimes, I will touch someone who I love just to confirm that they are real. Because I can’t quite believe it. I think that is an odd thought. But is it? Or is it that I admit that is why, at least one reason why, I do it?

A rooftop view

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Love is a force all its own. It moves world’s as surely as gravity. But in its wake the things that are changed are you and me. Wiser, happier or devastated, all because the heart recognizes its counterpart and thrusts, dagger quick, into the mind. Taking residence, guiding us to each other. Leaves caught in the tempest. Clinging to each other, having at last found our way home.

Emotional shotgun part eleventy seven

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I’m Staring at a blank page. I’m Staring at it and my mind is all jumbled up. I’m feeling very insecure and needy. Which I know isn’t attractive generally. I don’t know where I stand with her. It’s both too new and I feel like I’ve known her forever. And I want to hold her hand and do goofy things like skip and sing little songs about nothing. But it’s long distance, and I can’t do any of that. And she likes my writing and what I write is the core of who I am and how I think but she hasn’t seen my knowing smile or my sardonic grin, and I haven’t seen her laugh or drink a glass of wine. And my brain won’t stop asking questions and I’m both elated and terrified because I generally live like there is nothing to lose because without love there isn’t but now I catch myself doing things as if I have nothing to lose but what I have to lose is another word or turn of phrase from her and I wish I could just hold her to feel her as real but I’m busy here drowning in this maelstrom of wants and fears and I want nothing more than her. But am I crazy and this is all too much? It’s like a pit opening up and I know its there and I just can’t stop. FUCK! Brain just calm down, be quiet!… but it swirls and swirls, piranhas in a kiddy pool.

Cliff diving

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It’s safe to say that I’ve been in a few relationships. Additionally, I’ve dated and had my share of bad dates. I’ve probably been the bad date for some. Too timid or too argumentative in the instances I’m thinking of. But I’ve loved and been loved. Held and been held. I think I know those traits I’m not willing to tolerate and those that make me enthusiastic and all those in between. But it’s that feeling of connection that drives me forward.

I used to exam any connection I felt, measuring all the ways it could go wrong or could go right. I’d spin up scenarios and let them play out, always looking for the perfect way forward. I’d sit on the lip of the cliff, looking over the edge. Backing up, then going right to the edge until I either lost my nerve completely or threw a pebble with a note attached to await a response. It was safe. Got to safe guard the heart, I’d been hurt before and didn’t want to feel that again.

I tried and failed and tried and failed in this way for about 5 years. A few dates, a few false starts but nothing ever came of it. We had a bit of fun is the best I could say. Then I did some mental renovation.

I started by allowing myself the luxury of feeling. Of being a complete emotional being. With my emotions fully integrated with my thoughts, my logic. It wasn’t that I hadn’t been feeling things. Just that I had been hiding behind my walls all safe and cozy. I have a high degree of empathy, and being around others in mental distress can cause a nasty feedback loop. But I was hiding, because a wall is easy. Learning how to deal is hard. So I tore the wall down.

For the first time in years I felt everything. It was crippling for a while. But I refused to step back to my perceived safety. For all that the lows were bad, the highs were more and the general middle was better than the muted existence behind my walls. It took a couple of years to stabilize. But now it has.

There have been other changes, small tweaks here and there.  The manipulation of belief structures and the questioning of long held ideas. A reexamination of every thought and idea to see if I still felt that way or if I was just operating by rote.  This lead to some strides forward and ultimately to the person I am now.  Moving forward, the most complete version of myself. Which is scary, but if it’s scary then that’s a reason to do it.

Now, I’m not afraid of the chasm, I’m afraid of not finding one. So now when I find someone I have connection to, be that emotional, mental or the rare purely physical connection, I jump. I jump off the cliff. I know it is dangerous, I know I’ll likely be hurt. But it isn’t a risk that I’ll feel bad or heartbroken, it’s an opportunity to feel happy, to love and be loved.

So I jump off cliffs, and I fall in love, and I allow my heart to be free.
Grab my hand?

A story(because you wanted one)

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A man wakes up. He wakes up and realizes he is alone. He wakes up and thinks, there is a woman out in the world waking up. She is waking up alone. I wonder if she is waking and thinking these same thoughts. I wonder if she thinks these things and I wonder if she thinks, “I wonder what he’s doing”. This man who is far away.

I wonder these things, because I think these things. And in my hope, I think maybe that we think this, we are less alone. Maybe we’re together despite the distance, despite not knowing each other, despite it all. Because of it all.

Fury of the storm

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Is it hopeless?

I can honestly say that I have found the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Found them twice in fact. Because there is not just one person in the world whose soul vibrates at the same frequency, there are many. Sometimes you find them and they are ripped away, sometimes they walk away for reasons of their own, and sometimes you’re just in wildly different mental places and it’s doomed. But those are all endings. Endings take care of themselves.

It’s beginnings and middles that are important. Start boldly, love fiercely. Love them with all that you are. As the rush of the new begins to fade embrace the middle, hold on, renewing your love each day. Sometimes each moment. Find that sharp ache in your heart and fan those flames. Kiss them, hold them, touch them. Find something new or a new aspect of them each day. Change for yourself and out of your desire to be better and more for them. Be the best version of yourself. Love can free you to achieve greatness.

If you find love like this, build love like this, then fight for it, fight for them. Never walk away. If they are in darkness be a beacon out of that darkness. Relationships are difficult but the rewards are beyond the pale. Always remember, endings take care of themselves. Your responsibility is the now and immediate future. By all means, make plans. Just be prepared for those moments when plans go awry and improvisation is the only answer.

Love, love with all that you are. All else is foolish without that.