Every word read cuts like a knife through flesh made tender by the pounding of fists
Glances through doorways during meetings sends the mind tailspinning through all the possibilities of what they are saying about me
And I know that these words weren’t written about me…probably
And I know that those glances are an attempt at distraction during a boring meeting…most likely
But feeling isn’t logic and pain doesn’t care why
It Wraps its chains and drags one down making each step harder
Until sleep is both the enemy and the only retreat
Until longing for arms to hold me gives me pause and exhaustion forces its way in and into cold plunges of water which mask the symptoms
“You’re looking better…”
For now, for now but sleep is the liar
And too much breaks the will as easily as too little
And blood on the water has the sharks circling
Poems
The press of blade, knows the delicious taste of the cut
One touch is never enough
Whether of the mind or flesh
You’ll dwell in me forever
And forever I’ll crave in quiet moments
In solace and solitude
For your sighs and taste and screams
sweet memories of gentle caress
Transform into deep desire and unsated float
Mark with teeth
And scream
Mine
Mine
Mine
But I know
It’s not true
And instead I write
Quivering
Shivering
With unquenchable need
You kindled a spark in heart and mind
Now desire burns in bonfire blaze
Slow eyes and wicked smile
Say yes, that we may begin
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Eyes burn, hand goes numb, nothing left but to stand
Sleep
It’s all I have
And still I avoid it
I feel the pain of waking
And my heart hurting
Hours pass until exhaustion
Until it’s too late
The world is spinning
Obligations
The day starts
They don’t see
Don’t know
They look at me
Acting like they care
Can’t believe them
So easy to lie
So easy to see
The thing is
I give chances out of the gate
I trust until trust is broken
But broken once
It’s never repaired
Reforged links are never as strong
But here I am putting off what might have saved me
Instead walk in
Tired
Without safety
Wondering if I can save me
But I never have before
Instead lost in my own way
Stumbling for hearts too distant to see me
We run through the darkness
Hoping for light
But when it comes we find our way blind
Making the mistake that sends us back to its lack
And sleep
Too little
Too late
They say you have to save yourself
But if I could I would have
I’m just a whispered memory
Lost in false reverie
Fueled by a pain too ephemeral to be embraced
Last mistakes
Mounting higher until we break
Funny how it’s all about the money
Spent to survive, to get through the days
Until we break and what’s left?
To walk away
To die starving
Or embrace the eternal dark
The last home
When all other sanctuary is lost
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The soft eternal lies of dreams, aching
I have this dream. Again and again. Where we are entwined naked. We are looking into each other’s eyes and you reach your hand between us and take my cock in your hand. I feel myself harden and grow with your simple touch. You guide my cock slowly into your soft wetness. Slowly, I disappear agonizing and slow. I feel you around me. I dip my head down and press my lips to yours. The touch wakes our need and we devour each other. Tongues sliding over and tasting each other. We exist in these slow agonizing moments of pleasure. My heart, my love, my girl. Until I wake, warm bed. Lost and alone. There is only memories and hopes. Adrift in the world. Looking for that perfect moment of connection. When we are fierce and unafraid. When our only thought is each other. When we belong in the moment. To each other.
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Sharp intake of breathe, the world grows heavy
Spin you gyre
In flame grown dark
In feast grown cold
Fierce and fury spent
Last raindrops fell
Silence
The wind dropped nothing
Pause in held breathe
Waiting in procession
Waiting to take you home
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The storm forgives us all
Clock spins round
Heart sinking with the sun
Steps away from home
Lost chances to be in your arms
Turmoil storm
Calling
Saying you will do anything
Poor substitute for actually doing it
Each unwilling to take that comprise step
Unwilling…unable
Still stretched arm hoping
Fingers straining
Heartbeat pounding
Maybe…
Maybe…
Sigh
Maybe it’s too much to ask
Too much trust
For someone never seen
Only known
A blood stained Symphony
Hoping there’s time
Knowing there rarely is
Gods and monsters
Telling me to go
Still
I am afraid
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The truth about intentions and poetry
What I want is not relevant
I am aware of this
No matter what I do or say or write
Nothing changes
And I don’t expect it to
There is no epiphany point that I can lead you to
No clarity to be had
What truths exist in my work
Exist in yourself
You uncover
You discover
I write out of need
To bleed the poison in my hurt out onto the page
To remove the disaster from my heart
Sometimes that disaster is from other people
But mostly it’s from my emotional state
And even when it concerns someone else
It’s not ABOUT them
The only case where it might be is in joy
In poem as seduction
But even then
You are the discoverer of your own feelings
I can only hold a mirror up to my truth
What you see in it
That’s beyond my control
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Covered in blood, blinking, “See everything’s ok”
Resting blank face
Eyes alight behind a mask of unmoving skin
No smile
No frown
Permanent thousand yard stare
“Who are you trying to intimidate,” they ask
No one
No one
This is a defense
The one lie I allow
To hide the pain that courses just beneath the surface
Just under the distraction
Just under the distance
Keeping questions at bay
As much as possible
You learn not to ask how I’m doing
Because that’s spoken true
So instead
Blank mask
Fool yourself into thinking
He’s ok
It’s easier
Even as I drown a little more
History full of lost chances
Dead ends
And silence
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Step by step, find your way to me
Sometimes I think that my life is a path
Worn away
Wind and rain and casual travelers
All taken this care worn road
Erasing the lines
Until all someone might find beautiful
Is erased
Who will find their way
To marvel and dream along my haunted shores
No longer shiny or new
Who will follow to paths ending
The garden
Starving
Dying on the edge of love
Forgotten
But still
Tenaciously
Holding on
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The hushed breathe sound of waiting for despair to breed destruction
I see you
Standing
Staring
Starving
Hidden
I see you
Tired
Listless
Hoping
Waiting
I see you
Behind the glass
Past the syllables
In the silence
I see you
Stretched hand
Fingertips just out of reach
I see you
You’ll never fade
I see you
Even if it’s all I can do
Pelgris 