Author: Pelgris

Fear is but the first step

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To not take chances from fear is to betray yourself. It is not bravery one must act with. Instead one must examine ones fears. Does this action make you afraid? If so does the fear serve its intended purpose and keep you from harming yourself or others? If so then it behooves you to examine the desire to find out the why’s of it. If the fear does not serve you then you must take the action. There will be consequences, there will be fallout. Prepare your mind for that potentiality. Then let it go. Embrace the action as one of beauty. Then step forward.

We live lives sheltered in our fear. Comfortable, safe lives. But ask instead why you live. If you have the life you want, then ignore me. I am joyful in your finding and keeping of it. But if you have not, then ask yourself why not? You are the only constant. The tools available to you are embodied in the choices you make. Accept that the world is chaos. Accept that the only thing you have control over are your choices.

Embrace fear. Embrace consequence. Embrace choice.

Self metaphor

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Think of me like a blade. Functional, sharp. In romance, I am no less the blade. Merely sheathed. In true friendship, the blade is bare but held horizontal to my body. Held loosely but ready. Each degree down the ladder changes the orientation of the blade and grip of same. Until, against enemies, the blade is unseen. Unnoticed until it slips under the ribcage.

This is how I think of myself. It is a useful metaphor. It keeps me mindful of the things I am capable of. That if I falter, I can do unwitting damage. That despite how I may seem or project, that is what I am. Who I am. As I always say, I am the weapon, every thing else is just a tool.

I am a blade bared.

Dreamer awakes

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This sybilant shadow,
hiss from darkness,
drown in sorrow,
bricked in,
rooms with doors long closed,
simple in the making,
this row of penitent sadness,
this pool, this swallowing abyss,
times slow petulant passage,
venom leaching from heart,
wrung out,
drunk on tears choked back,
a simple smile, destroy towers made of candy floss,
a perpetual fall, made tangible by wind whistling by
wet salt pools at the base of collarbone
but a flirtation, a smile
talisman held against the darkest corner
not a likely chance, not a relationship
the indication of the interest of others
tells that it’s you,
you that doesn’t see me
you that doesn’t value what I offer
you that, despite the pain,
despite my desire to protect you from the dark road you’re on,
it’s you I’m letting go,
I’ll not lose myself,
I’ve had the real,
I’ll have it again

tell me your fears, your desires, your feelings
be complete, be honest, hold nothing back
I’d take the blade back into my heart

won’t happen, wise fool dance
break bread, break word
you’re the one that turned away
but I’m the one that’s free

There was once a boy who died, the end

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His soul whistled through the sleeping trees, their branches heavy. Ice and snow and things best unseen weighed heavy on these silent sentinels.

His soul screamed, and cried, and bled.
And the white oak creaked, heavy
The wind and the cold piling snow
Where down below, in the crooked roots
Snow landed, covering sins. Soft snow landing on his pale face. Mouth locked in silent screams. Eyes, sightless, frozen and cloudy. Disappearing until spring thaw.

The figure, wrapped and bundled, watches the feather lite touch of the world. Watches it cover the boy. Listens to the screams, the cries. Listens as the soul joins the forest. Hundreds of trees, with companions all, until the coming spring.

Spooky action

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Strange light
Strikes, filters
Particle by particle
Imparting spin

Above, below
Skin forms over bone
Differentiates into liver, heart
Contained ecstatic explosion

Base pairs meet
Conjugate
Struck, mutate

Birthed,
Warmth to cold
Calcium creaking, screaming
Acceleration

Words, other
Dance, lips
Lies, pain
Dripping by

Other, spin slows
Quantum entanglement
Indisputable,
Destroyed, created, conserved

Vessel tears
Babel
Wind whistles impact

Strange light
Imparting spin

Finality(or I’m shutting up now)

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It’s like buoyancy on a out going tide.
You rush in to the shore then are pulled back. Again and again until, you are once again adrift on the sea. Never to return to that strange and beautiful land. Memories and failed dreams. Forward to the new adventure.

I thank you all for tolerating my inner journeys to realization and peace.

Emotional shotgun

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Why do I want to forgive every imposition, every hurt, every game, every callous disregard that you inflict? I’ve impaled myself on the blade of your attention. This blood trickles out of the wound.

This pain, and I want to snuggle down next to it. Push the blade deeper if it meant being closer to you. I still want to be yours. I don’t think it will ever happen. But my heart is foolish. It can’t see past our love of you.

My compassion sees you in pain and I just want you to not hurt. My heart wants me to sacrifice, to do something. Say something, what will help you. What will heal you. All at odds with my own well being.

But, some small part of my too logical brain, says if we can help you, we should. My romantic heart and mind say that a world where you are happy is better than a world where I am OK and you are sad. And I know that’s destructive, probably much too far. And yet these are my feelings, these are my thoughts.

And I wish I could say this to you and not seem mad or obsessive. And some small part of my heart hopes that if you did know, then the dam would break and you would love me as I love you.

But these are emotions, and if this life has taught me anything, it’s that what we want, what we desire, is rarely what is offered where others are concerned.

So I sit at this crossroads. Blade buried deep in my heart. Knowing I should move on, logically seeing all of the wounds inflicted. But emotionally not capable of it. Pulled back to her and pulled away. Waiting in this purgatory for her to rescue me, or time passing allow my heart to give up and let me move forward.

Simple but broad

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My love is unconditional. My relationship with you is not. My conditions are always the same. Respect, Emotional honesty, and No games without my explicit consent.

closure

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It’s odd what a honest conversation will get you when the blinders have been taken off. I tend to blame myself for awkwardness in a relationship.  It is something I am working on.  I apologize if I think I have offended and check with the other person.  If they are being as open and honest as I’m trying to be then it’s good.  If not, then it’s not great. So, sometimes game playing seems to me like a product of my making a misstep.  That is how I interpret it. If the other person does not say that it wasn’t a misstep and lay it out for me, I’ll never really understand it.  But once the blinders are off, I will see it immediately.  The only reason I didn’t see it before was because it was my relationship.  In others I can see the dance, each step that it takes, and how it will play out. If I’m paying attention. But in my relationships I can be blind.  I try to follow my heart.  Which is a good thing, but it can lead me down blind alleys.

I’ll never stop loving the person. I’ve never stopped loving any of those that I fell for.  It’s just my nature. But it won’t rule me.  The passion gets replaced by reason and a feeling of fondness.  I will never be as blind with them again. Which is a shame.  I rather like myself in full romantic fervor. And can we be friends?  Maybe but not right away.  Hit me up in six months or so.  You can start at the associate level like everyone else.

In case it wasn’t clear

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== Results from http://bdsmtest.org/ ==
88% Dominant
86% Rigger
84% Owner
83% Masochist
83% Master/Mistress
82% Switch
82% Experimentalist
78% Daddy/Mommy
76% Sadist
67% Primal (Hunter)
66% Rope Bunny
64% Brat Tamer
52% Non-monogamist
49% Ageplayer
43% Submissive
42% Voyeur
36% Degrader
31% Vanilla
29% Exhibitionist
24% Slave
19% Primal (Prey)
18% Brat
15% Pet
9% Degradee
8% Girl/Boy
See my results online at http://bdsmtest.org/result.php?id=1233439

 

Though it should be said that I am much more mentally flexible than this test would indicate.  But my Kink tendencies? It pretty much nails.