Not appropo of anything, just the song running through my head
Month: January 2017
Maybe this is just me
I have in the past, said “I care deeply for you.” I said it meaning that I felt love. That I was in love. But I think it conveys the wrong message. I think it says that I feel something deep and strong and enduring, but I don’t know what it is and can’t put it into words.
And for me, it’s just not true.
For me, it’s cowardice. I said it because I was afraid of the answer. Afraid it was too soon, afraid of the potential rejection, afraid of what it meant if I said it.
For me, that phrase is a dodge. It is me hiding from the truth. And it’s painful and it leaves things unsaid that should be said. Should be known.
So now, the only time I will use it is as a part of this phrase: “I care deeply for you, you are amazing and lovely and I love you.”
Thought I’d share what I was thinking about.
Note: Not directed at anyone, it just got me thinking.
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What’s in a name
Victoria? I keep hearing that name in my dreams. Usually names don’t stick but Victoria does. And it’s always the same. She is always a lover. And always someone I love. She is demanding and a bit dominant but not my master. We meet clandestinely. She will come by, drop hints to when she will be available and I will go to her. We are passion itself. She is only available for small windows of time, but I know I am her island of normal in a chaotic life. This dream is always set inside another dreamscape. As if even there she is hiding. And each time I wake, my heart literally hurts. Like being ripped away from her by waking is so traumatic that I physically get hurt.
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Shade
This is the First 3rd of a song called Shade. Vocal only. I thought I’d throw it up and see if anyone had anything to say about it
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Out the other side
There is something either cleansing or fucking scary about coming out of a depression so deep that moving itself is a act of will. Afterwards, I feel almost normal which I never really feel for any length of time. And that’s scary. Because I remember this feeling. It’s the same as what I felt when my emotions were locked down. The pure sense of seeing out from a cell constructed of my mind. Safe but trapped.
The other side is I feel scoured clean. Like all pain has been cleared away. Though it hasn’t and the loss of that numbness makes way for the pain of being alone. There is someone, of course, but we haven’t spent much time together due to scheduling lately. And I need that contact to maintain equilibrium.
I can maintain when I am on my own, but if I get used to having someone to share spinning plate duty with, then they are unavailable, the spin starts to falter.
And, for me, nothing calms me, keeps me centered like touch. Just a hand on my back is enough. Though more is always welcome.
And, for reasons I won’t go into, for privacy reasons, we touch very little. Also a problem for me.
It doesn’t feed my depression, but it doesn’t help it.
So I guess this is less about depression and more about my needs not being completely met. Not that I didn’t know that they wouldn’t be, but that I, foolishly perhaps, thought that I was better equipped to weather the storm.
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Small breaks
Sleep with me in the dream
breathe break
Shattered reminisces
Wiped away
Sour laughter
Waits lurks
Pain beyond endurance
Step to the edge
Jump
The only regret
The last unstolen kiss
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Playlist for the Week
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Fahrenheit vs Celsius
This flow
This flawless drift
A musicless melody
Notes straining at the edge of their tethers
A glance that speaks the world
A touch set quake
Foundation laid bare
This edifice
This flawless failure
A baseless memory
Images flicker past dissolving into pigment
A hope that knows better
A taste forbidden, yearning
Words that drift and find no ear to hear
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Song of the Day
This is the song I hope will run through K’s head. I cannot touch her in the ways that I want to but her mind and perhaps her heart are mine. I hope this song touches her as I cannot.
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Grey Revelation
I have been thinking. Dangerous.
I find that I regard myself as a ugly man. Is it true? I don’t know. No one has ever said I was handsome. The most I’ve gotten is “I like your hair.” It seems a silly thing to think about. I know that I am well regarded by ex lovers and submissives. But that could be personality or skill. I don’t often think about physical appearance. I do for my lovers, generally to convince them of how beautiful they are, when they don’t see themselves that way. Perhaps how I see myself is why I try to hold up a mirror of my heart, to show them how beautiful they are.
I see myself as powerful, as intelligent, as learned and learning, as many things. But never pretty, never handsome.
I’ve always said that the early morning is when our hearts are most vulnerable. Both to others and to ourselves, sometimes that leads to epiphany. Sometimes to dark roads.
PS: Let me pose this question. How often do you praise the men in your lives. How often do you say “your hair looks good today?”, or I like that color on you, it brings out your eyes, or any such complement? Because I’ll tell you, in my experience it’s never. And all the men I know (who aren’t with me, mind), receive no such compliment as well. I don’t know if it effects them as it effects me. I receive a few regarding my intelligence, and I thank you. I receive some for my ability, and I thank you.
Of such individual and societal pressures are we shaped. And just think, if they have never heard such a compliment and you are sincere, just think of the impact it will have.
Pelgris 