The space to allow love is one of the most important things in life. I have no larger point to make. Just that passion and love are the most powerful reasons to do anything. And when we allow that space for love, we are hurt. Pain is definitely a part of it. But also, moments of purity of heart, moments where we are love, if only for a few moments.
And any time I see love, a part of me feels triumphant and also despair. Which combines into a kind of melancholy ache and salt filled wound, coupled with a broken note of hope and beauty realized.
I find it interesting that there is a dichotomy of perception about me. Those who know me at a surface level get someone forceful, sardonic, and cynical. Go a bit deeper and they see wisdom and darkness. Deeper still and they see care. But that’s all they will ever see. All I’ll let them see.
Now, at the opposite spectrum, those who know me deeply get someone kind, loving, and romantic. Go a bit deeper and they see damage and darkness. Go deeper still and they might see hope and wisdom.
But there are a third category of people who get all of me. My true friends and those I consider mine. You get all of me. For good or for ill. I can be any part of my personality at need or all of it depending. But what really intrigues me is the person who can get me to switch from the normal day to day into her Sir.
Her need is like flicking a switch and whatever crap is in my head goes away so that I can take care of her needs. Orders. Ideas. Even just seeing herself through my eyes. All of it in service to her elevation. She obeys. And when she does, when she trusts me to make her better, I become better. Everyone wants to make D/s about sex. There is some of that. But it’s like saying that music is only major chords. It’s ridiculous and eventually, boring.
I know that the physical aspects are exciting in concept. Sometimes in execution. But I’ve never enacted a physical interaction with the intention that it just be physical. There is Always a point, a goal, a lesson. And physical punishment is not really the point. Negative reinforcement is less useful than positive. Pain is more about the expiation of guilt and negative emotions, paying a physical consequence for a mental action or lapse.
Punishment is not about the pain itself. It’s a tool. And like all tools it must be applied only in the circumstances that it is most useful in. And I will often use tasks as punishment rather than the physical. Or in tandem with a physical but only as reinforcement, not as the primary point. Which isn’t to say that there are no floggings, spankings, or other such activities, just that those are mostly for pleasure not as a part of 24/7 D/s.
I have been thinking. Dangerous.
I find that I regard myself as a ugly man. Is it true? I don’t know. No one has ever said I was handsome. The most I’ve gotten is “I like your hair.” It seems a silly thing to think about. I know that I am well regarded by ex lovers and submissives. But that could be personality or skill. I don’t often think about physical appearance. I do for my lovers, generally to convince them of how beautiful they are, when they don’t see themselves that way. Perhaps how I see myself is why I try to hold up a mirror of my heart, to show them how beautiful they are.
I see myself as powerful, as intelligent, as learned and learning, as many things. But never pretty, never handsome.
I’ve always said that the early morning is when our hearts are most vulnerable. Both to others and to ourselves, sometimes that leads to epiphany. Sometimes to dark roads.
PS: Let me pose this question. How often do you praise the men in your lives. How often do you say “your hair looks good today?”, or I like that color on you, it brings out your eyes, or any such complement? Because I’ll tell you, in my experience it’s never. And all the men I know (who aren’t with me, mind), receive no such compliment as well. I don’t know if it effects them as it effects me. I receive a few regarding my intelligence, and I thank you. I receive some for my ability, and I thank you.
Of such individual and societal pressures are we shaped. And just think, if they have never heard such a compliment and you are sincere, just think of the impact it will have.