Accept me as I am
or reject me
but I am no object
to be picked up then discarded
for I have departed
beyond this veil of light and life
I come to you hard hearted
but watch me melt in sunshine rays
give me my glory
my past is my story
another word, another note
I’m past thinking that’s all she wrote
give me your hand
I swear I’ve got a plan
though they mostly involve asking you to stay
I’m a forever kind of lover
but leave me at the altar
and I’ll find another
my heart is too full to falter
my core is emotion
and emotion speaks poetry
to the last you’ll know it’s me
I may be to shy to say it in time
but I’ll always
know how
to say it
in rhyme
Month: August 2016
Walking
I saw your beauty
let it sink into my heart
then look away
because while you walk as art
you are not owned by anyone but yourself
I won’t be the one to posses you with my eyes
But I’ll carry that look and that moment for all of my days
And I’ll hope you carry me with you
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Calm dividing lines
There is a audio file with this spoken as it was intended. You’ll need to go to the site to hear it.
We calmly accept
our choices are few
left left, right right like some Konami code
choose me
it’ll all be different
but a single choice
works only when all choice is taken
we’re all parishioners at the same fat trough
elections made to break us
choose the choices we chose for you or
throw your vote away
to someone we don’t control
these party lines have all been erased and polarization just makes it easier to herd us
we are young and want a purpose
want our dreams back
but it serves no purpose
cause our choice is the lesser of two evils
all men and women
strawmen in this race of equals
both feeding your fear of the other
lest you vote your conscience
they say they’ll make it all better
but how can corruption and cancer heal our wounds
the lesser of two evils has been killing us we’re electing the butcher to be our doctor
this one takes a kidney and that one a lung
but at least I’m still alive to pay for the privilege
They rigged the system
And we keep tightening our own noose
Red and blue
The choice between blood on the ground and oxygen deprivation
I’d love to be the rallying call
but I’ve been screaming for years
and you still haven’t heard
choosing who holds the gun to your head
doesn’t matter if they’re Blue or Red
dead is dead
the body just hasn’t stopped twitching
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Volcano
The earth fires it’s first volley
Making clear who is in charge
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Obsidian mirror
I read, often, about the light that shines in the darkness. I don’t think I am such a light. Nor do I think I would want to be. There are plenty of people who blaze with light pushing back the darkness. No, I think such is not for me. Dealing with loss and pain, death, murder, and all the petty tyrannys of life in the vast depersonalization of modern society.
No, not for me to kindle light and eradicate darkness. Rather to take the darkness in. To become friends with it, lovers. To shine, but only reflecting back the light. That others may see themselves as I see them.
I will take the darkness. Make this my home. There is beauty here. Beauty in pain, in dark things done in dark places. You need not fit into the normal world, shining light for those afraid of the darkness. But show a obsidian mirror, showing the light they have already. Showing that they need not look to another to blaze the trail, instead that they themselves are the path.
Perhaps, I may shine, but in darker spectrum, for those to whom the light is not refuge but restraint. There are deeper paths, darker paths and often light is a hindrance more than a help.
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Gradients of light
Suns blocked rays filter in the dark and grey
each second reminding me of the wider world without
though within the desolate heart
remains broken amidst the ruins of the past
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Changes
If I could change what I did in the relationship with you my goddess, I would only change this: I would have said something much sooner. I would have expressed my affection for you in late April. We may well have ended up in the same place as we are now. But we would have had a bit more than an extra month together. Maybe that is foolish. I can only imagine how much more pain I would be in after having more time with you and ending as it did, but the time I was with you, I felt like I was home. I can’t imagine being unwilling to pay the price for that little bit of extra time.
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I’m tired of being
I would very much like it if a paramour would ask me out. Would say you’re interesting, want to be with me? I’m so tired of choosing and after a time falling and thinking that this person wants me as I want them and being wrong each time. I’m tired of putting myself out there and seemingly wanted then dropped like they grasped a adder. I’m tired of falling for the ones I can’t be with. Tired that only the ones that are safely taken have the least bit interest in me. Tired, just tired. I don’t want to have to be the strong one, the chooser, the asker all the time. It is exhausting.
I thought I’d found her. Got to know bits and pieces over 3 months, told her I was interested in more, that I was falling in love and wonder of wonders she said she was too, 6 weeks later she was gone. Off living her life like I was nothing. This isn’t “beating a dead horse”. This is me struggling to understand. What did I do? What didn’t I do? Was it the way I did it? I NEED to know the why’s. I NEED to know the intricacies. I cannot learn, cannot grow without that information. And in the absence of a long talk with her, I have only the pieces I have. So my mind goes over and over and over again each piece. Attempting to glean new information. Consider me posting a way of clearing out a bit of the debris from the process. Maybe it’s not interesting, maybe you don’t want to see me in pain. But it is necessary. It is how I work through things and come out stronger. Leaving things unexamined in the past, only feels ok in the immediate. In effect though, it’s like leaving unstable unexploded ordinance all over your psyche.
I know it’s not interesting to read. It’s not entertainment. I write stories for entertainment. Listen to one or read Pel and Sara. My poetry is art. I hope to strike a resonant chord. I hope to affect my reader. My thoughts are just that, thoughts. Maybe there will be value, maybe not. It’s all process.
I have a more than 2 year back catalog of poetry and stories like Why or Cubicle.
Hopefully those will tide you over while I’m getting a handle on developments in my life.
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Toasted and candied
The weight of those hearts
Held so close
slow trip, trip trip in 4/4 time
resound with clot and baited tongue
honey too thick to taste sweet
this side of heaven
may as well be this side of hell
for all the good that love brings
these frigid highs
crystalline and sharp
plunge deep through the earth’s crust
till molten oblivion gives way to peace
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Thoughts on silence and sanity
The fog clears as the days pass. As I exam my actions. When I am in the beginning throes of new relationship passion, I can be a lot to take. I’m passionate and attentive. But also nuts and needy. If we at least talk on a daily basis for about half an hour, I’m good. I can keep myself in the bounds of sanity. But if not, I can become overbearing in my need to be heard. To be seen in the relationship.
The people I’m attracted to tend to value my intense passion but there is another side to that coin. And that other side is possessive and a little nuts. Of course, if we talk, I lose that edge of crazy. Maybe that is what is most disconcerting, the lack of consistency. I’m at fault for letting the train get away from me. In the silence, I fill the void with my every addled thought until the next communication and I calm for a time.
Which is why I place such heavy emphasis on communication. I know I can get nuts. I want to minimize that. In some cases that’s not possible, due to circumstances, so a lot of understanding please. I’m not really that round the bend, as anyone who actually knows me can attest to. And when it is possible, do me the courtesy and yourself a favor and talk to me on the regular.
Pelgris 