Month: January 2016

There was once a boy who died, the end

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His soul whistled through the sleeping trees, their branches heavy. Ice and snow and things best unseen weighed heavy on these silent sentinels.

His soul screamed, and cried, and bled.
And the white oak creaked, heavy
The wind and the cold piling snow
Where down below, in the crooked roots
Snow landed, covering sins. Soft snow landing on his pale face. Mouth locked in silent screams. Eyes, sightless, frozen and cloudy. Disappearing until spring thaw.

The figure, wrapped and bundled, watches the feather lite touch of the world. Watches it cover the boy. Listens to the screams, the cries. Listens as the soul joins the forest. Hundreds of trees, with companions all, until the coming spring.

Spooky action

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Strange light
Strikes, filters
Particle by particle
Imparting spin

Above, below
Skin forms over bone
Differentiates into liver, heart
Contained ecstatic explosion

Base pairs meet
Conjugate
Struck, mutate

Birthed,
Warmth to cold
Calcium creaking, screaming
Acceleration

Words, other
Dance, lips
Lies, pain
Dripping by

Other, spin slows
Quantum entanglement
Indisputable,
Destroyed, created, conserved

Vessel tears
Babel
Wind whistles impact

Strange light
Imparting spin

Finality(or I’m shutting up now)

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It’s like buoyancy on a out going tide.
You rush in to the shore then are pulled back. Again and again until, you are once again adrift on the sea. Never to return to that strange and beautiful land. Memories and failed dreams. Forward to the new adventure.

I thank you all for tolerating my inner journeys to realization and peace.

Emotional shotgun

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Why do I want to forgive every imposition, every hurt, every game, every callous disregard that you inflict? I’ve impaled myself on the blade of your attention. This blood trickles out of the wound.

This pain, and I want to snuggle down next to it. Push the blade deeper if it meant being closer to you. I still want to be yours. I don’t think it will ever happen. But my heart is foolish. It can’t see past our love of you.

My compassion sees you in pain and I just want you to not hurt. My heart wants me to sacrifice, to do something. Say something, what will help you. What will heal you. All at odds with my own well being.

But, some small part of my too logical brain, says if we can help you, we should. My romantic heart and mind say that a world where you are happy is better than a world where I am OK and you are sad. And I know that’s destructive, probably much too far. And yet these are my feelings, these are my thoughts.

And I wish I could say this to you and not seem mad or obsessive. And some small part of my heart hopes that if you did know, then the dam would break and you would love me as I love you.

But these are emotions, and if this life has taught me anything, it’s that what we want, what we desire, is rarely what is offered where others are concerned.

So I sit at this crossroads. Blade buried deep in my heart. Knowing I should move on, logically seeing all of the wounds inflicted. But emotionally not capable of it. Pulled back to her and pulled away. Waiting in this purgatory for her to rescue me, or time passing allow my heart to give up and let me move forward.

closure

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It’s odd what a honest conversation will get you when the blinders have been taken off. I tend to blame myself for awkwardness in a relationship.  It is something I am working on.  I apologize if I think I have offended and check with the other person.  If they are being as open and honest as I’m trying to be then it’s good.  If not, then it’s not great. So, sometimes game playing seems to me like a product of my making a misstep.  That is how I interpret it. If the other person does not say that it wasn’t a misstep and lay it out for me, I’ll never really understand it.  But once the blinders are off, I will see it immediately.  The only reason I didn’t see it before was because it was my relationship.  In others I can see the dance, each step that it takes, and how it will play out. If I’m paying attention. But in my relationships I can be blind.  I try to follow my heart.  Which is a good thing, but it can lead me down blind alleys.

I’ll never stop loving the person. I’ve never stopped loving any of those that I fell for.  It’s just my nature. But it won’t rule me.  The passion gets replaced by reason and a feeling of fondness.  I will never be as blind with them again. Which is a shame.  I rather like myself in full romantic fervor. And can we be friends?  Maybe but not right away.  Hit me up in six months or so.  You can start at the associate level like everyone else.

In case it wasn’t clear

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== Results from http://bdsmtest.org/ ==
88% Dominant
86% Rigger
84% Owner
83% Masochist
83% Master/Mistress
82% Switch
82% Experimentalist
78% Daddy/Mommy
76% Sadist
67% Primal (Hunter)
66% Rope Bunny
64% Brat Tamer
52% Non-monogamist
49% Ageplayer
43% Submissive
42% Voyeur
36% Degrader
31% Vanilla
29% Exhibitionist
24% Slave
19% Primal (Prey)
18% Brat
15% Pet
9% Degradee
8% Girl/Boy
See my results online at http://bdsmtest.org/result.php?id=1233439

 

Though it should be said that I am much more mentally flexible than this test would indicate.  But my Kink tendencies? It pretty much nails.

I’m a mess

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That momentary thought that cutting my hand and feeling that sharp cold steel, the pain blossoming crimson.  That would be better than not holding you.

  I was doing so good yesterday, then my brain betrayed me and I dreamed of you.  The feel of your skin, the taste of you, your short sharp gasps.  All laid out and preserved in my brain, false memories of something never occurred.

So today, when faced with you in the world, I must confront again your lack of interest.  Something I thought I had a handle on. But not so much it turns out.  I would be telling friends this, but I don’t want advice.  I just want someone to hold.

Intimate vs Friend relationships

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I get hurt so badly from relationships because of a realization. The realization that the only way to allow for a potential beyond friends is to throw the doors open wide and allow them in from the word go. So, someone I’m interested in romantically, effectively holds a dagger to my heart. They cut the line, as it were, and get all of me. Which means when it goes south they do significant damage. I compartmentalize so I may seem fine but my inner world is trashed, chaotic and emotions can sweep through like a tsunami.

Friends, friends is different. That is a slow process as I come to know them and what aspects of my life and personality that I can safely share. So when someone I’m interested in romantically says let’s be friends and see where it goes, I can nearly instantly know it’s not going to work out. I can’t think of anyone who may be interested in a romantic relationship deferring that relationship for possibly years.

For many people, friendship is casual. Not for me. What most consider friends, I consider to be Associated. And associated at the lowest level at that. Most people who I like but don’t interact with often fall into this category. There are few who make their way past that point. But those that do become very important. I trust them. And by and large, I don’t trust anyone, not fully.

So, there you have it. If you want to be my friend, settle in. Be yourself. But know, it may never happen. If you want to get into a intimate relationship with me, sometime before several years have past, don’t take the “let’s be friends and see what happens” path. It won’t go like you think.

The journey

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After Sara was taken, I became a nearly bottomless well of anger and sadness. I tried to fill that hole with sex and control. When that didn’t work, I tried to fill it with anger and blood. That alleviated the constant ache. But did nothing to heal me.

Eric changed all that. He picked me up, healed my wounds. Taught me to love again. But sometimes relationships don’t work out, he left and eventually found M. Eric died in early November. I know M still grieves, still rages, still weeps. I miss Eric, but he was not my ‘the one’.

The ‘one’. Not really a concept I believe in. What I do believe is that there are people whose magnetic polarization is the opposite of yours and when you find them, there is a instant connection. Why do I mention this? I found someone who flipped me, someone who felt right.

But after several months, It’s been brought to my attention that what I thought was true, may not be. More, likely isn’t. Effectively they called yellow. And while that could mean that it may work out, somehow I’m not thinking it will.

But I’m hopeful. Because, I have loved. I have been loved. I know who I am. They are worthy of love. So while it hurts, until they call it, I will be there. I’ve known pain. I know I can survive this. It’s difficult, but any chance at love is worth the price.

I hope to always feel that way.