relationship

All in or on hold

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It’s come to my attention that I can either be attentive, engaged, and, metaphorically speaking, right by your side or I can seem distant, which may come off as uninterested.

I don’t know how to do that middle ground.
If I seem distant it’s generally because I was the former and I was asked to cool it or back down. But I only have racecar or go-kart modes.

I don’t know how to go at a normal speed. I’m either all in or in a holding pattern. I’ve tried to bridge the gap and I end up at one end or the other fairly quickly.

The only way I can do less is if I know it is for the emotional well-being of the person and even there, as in all things, there are times that I fuck up.

And I don’t know that being less than all in is something I want. I get why people want to go slow. But for me, that’s what the slow getting to know you before I made the approach is for.

Maybe I’m a minority opinion. Maybe there are too many assholes who go fast to get what they want then get out. Maybe I’m lost in the noise.

Or maybe I’m being overly generous and setting myself up as iconoclastic because it feeds my ego.

Anxiety in the time of seeking

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I didn’t used to be this person. This person who has this anxiety everytime someone I love even the littlest bit draws away from me. Rationally, they have valid logical and emotional reasons. I understand them and accept them. But it still leaves me with this crushing sense of failure and fear. This thought that I could have said something or did something and that would have made the difference. The thought that I held something back or said too much and that’s why it was so easy(in my mind) for them to walk away. I keep trying and failing and trying and failing. And even when it’s not over, just in a holding pattern, there is this crushed heart feeling. This immense weight and pain that just goes on and on. It gets better. It goes away. Usually just in time for another relationship to start.

The pain is mostly my fault. I fall in love so easily. I see some shining beautiful piece of personality and I fall a little bit. Like holding on to a rope and slipping a bit down it. Scary and exhilarating. And we start the dance and I fall deeper and deeper until, when it ends, I am so deep in, I cannot see the night sky.

Dissonant stream of consciousness

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I’m staring at a blank screen, starting then stopping, erasing and trying to find words to describe this whirlwind of I don’t know and how to proceed and what am I doing and it’ll all be worth it and am I failing and not getting there and waking up early and she tells me I push and they say that I don’t and I am confused and I am certain and I want to move forward and I don’t know what forward is and it’s either falling apart or coming together and I can’t tell which and I am always strong but I’m not always strength and I seem silent but I need to speak and I don’t have any answers to the questions I ask and I’m waiting and I am impatient and I want the truth and I can’t seem to find it and I break but I’m not broken and I give in to my emotions and I can’t know what is the right time and I am embarrassed by things I can’t change and I hear Sir and I need it and all of this incoherence as I stare at the blank screen

A promise to you

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Say the word

Say the word
I’ll fly to your side
Heedless the cost

I’ll pay the price
Accept the fallout
Whatever comes

To hold you
To dance
To sing
To whisper my intentions

Say the word
I’ll be there

Reading tea leaves

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The mercurial kiss of stone
Carves me down
Tracing petals
Fall, rushing
Sigils drawn in my bones

Our lips meet, soft and welcome
Missing your fingertips every day
Phantom dreams
Of what we’ve yet to share

Tracing patterns in heather
No touch the last

Hearts fall apart

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Ropey muscles unspooled from the heart like a cat’s cradle
this pain seesawing between obliteration and oblivious
my mind following its well worn path to you
blocked by uncertainty,
while I await a verdict or a verb,

The nows don’t stop

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That voice, that twitch, that used to mean
that touch, that breathe, that shiver
that loss, that reaching, that overcorrection
that sobbing, that endless search for traction, that waiting
that tired, that sleep, that waking
that sob, that long look back, that hope

Do I make missteps in my ardor for you?

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 I feel that I must. Like I am making mistakes but that, perhaps, you forgive them silently. Do I say ‘I love you’ too often? I feel like, at once, I say it too much and that it can never be enough.

I wonder if I send you too many missives? I do send several a day, most days. I don’t want to wait to write it all and send it all at once, but rather send when my thoughts are freshest. But I know, maybe, it is exasperating.

I think I must be tiresome to deal with. Am I? To have someone constantly sending you little notes and posting things and just all of it.

I dislike feeling like I am being burdensome. And even writing this, I can’t tell if I need reassuring or if I want information. But either way, it feels like…I don’t think weakness is the right word. But something close. Like I can’t hold my own or something. Which I know isn’t true, but feelings care so little for knowings, sometimes.

Long distance

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I’ve never held you in my arms but I know your touch. We are souls long parted and now have found one another. And still, somehow, cannot make it to each other.

I feel a fool for not coming to you. To hold you close, our breathe mingling in the spring air. Would I be welcome? Or is it like most things and my heart is leaping past logic, knowing only that we are connected and needing the electric spark of our touch to be made whole.

That I love you is indisputable. Are you calling me on to Avalon or are we sirens calling to each other. I will not harm you, I swear it. But how can you take my word?
I could send you to people who know me. Who can say that my Alar is strong. That my word can only be broken if I am broken.

I suppose I just keep on and hope.
Though some days, some hours, some minutes, I am wracked with pain from a distinct lack of you.

I’ll see you in your dreams.
I love you, Goddess of my Heart

Quiet

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The world holds hush
Silence hangs heavy
Breaking
Fighting for breath
Dream missive
Trying to find connection
Frantic
Resolution fades
Hope exhales
Last breathe
To shatter
In the silence