All in or on hold

It’s come to my attention that I can either be attentive, engaged, and, metaphorically speaking, right by your side or I can seem distant, which may come off as uninterested.

I don’t know how to do that middle ground.
If I seem distant it’s generally because I was the former and I was asked to cool it or back down. But I only have racecar or go-kart modes.

I don’t know how to go at a normal speed. I’m either all in or in a holding pattern. I’ve tried to bridge the gap and I end up at one end or the other fairly quickly.

The only way I can do less is if I know it is for the emotional well-being of the person and even there, as in all things, there are times that I fuck up.

And I don’t know that being less than all in is something I want. I get why people want to go slow. But for me, that’s what the slow getting to know you before I made the approach is for.

Maybe I’m a minority opinion. Maybe there are too many assholes who go fast to get what they want then get out. Maybe I’m lost in the noise.

Or maybe I’m being overly generous and setting myself up as iconoclastic because it feeds my ego.

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