Anxiety in the time of seeking

I didn’t used to be this person. This person who has this anxiety everytime someone I love even the littlest bit draws away from me. Rationally, they have valid logical and emotional reasons. I understand them and accept them. But it still leaves me with this crushing sense of failure and fear. This thought that I could have said something or did something and that would have made the difference. The thought that I held something back or said too much and that’s why it was so easy(in my mind) for them to walk away. I keep trying and failing and trying and failing. And even when it’s not over, just in a holding pattern, there is this crushed heart feeling. This immense weight and pain that just goes on and on. It gets better. It goes away. Usually just in time for another relationship to start.

The pain is mostly my fault. I fall in love so easily. I see some shining beautiful piece of personality and I fall a little bit. Like holding on to a rope and slipping a bit down it. Scary and exhilarating. And we start the dance and I fall deeper and deeper until, when it ends, I am so deep in, I cannot see the night sky.

4 thoughts on “Anxiety in the time of seeking

  1. thewriterkalibloom April 18, 2017 / 8:26 pm

    *hug* It is terrifying to trust that the person you love won’t leave. Often impossible to believe. Understanding why you have this anxiety doesn’t alleviate it, but perhaps you can work through it better? I know that being aware of the reasons behind my actions helps me recognize them and sometimes I am able to change them.
    I wish I had better advice.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Pelgris April 18, 2017 / 8:34 pm

      I’m really good at not believing that they will leave. I do have the occasional freak out and I know it’s happening. And I can dissipate it by writing about it and posting it. But, when they leave, it’s like all that was merely holding it back and it all comes crashing down.

      Thank you for your advice. It is good advice. Thank you for sharing.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Secret Life of a Siren April 28, 2017 / 5:34 am

    I can relate to this on many levels. As if I had wrote it.

    Liked by 1 person

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