need

The fire builds

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I’m trying to write and thoughts of you slip in. I try to keep writing, but now I’m only asking myself, what are you up to. I’m thinking about what we can do together, what you think, what you’ll say.
The thrum like a plucked string when you call me Sir. How everything falls away, casual conversation and my day. One word and I am laser focused, need and desire building inside like a runaway thermonuclear reaction. The pain of us being so far from each other. I need you.

I’m losing my mind, out of control with desire. Want to throw you down and take you. Animalistic need drives through me like a flood. All controlled by the walls of Sir. Touch you to awaken your fire, burn with me. My dear, my little miss, mine.

The parts of my mind

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I wonder when you tell me things what you want to hear? My rational mind, my emotional one, or the part that thinks like a feudal lord? I tend to share what my rational mind says. That part of me is good at advice. My emotional mind wants you to say that you are mine and take confidence from that. But I don’t think you want to be anyone’s. So I can’t say that, not and be available to you. And the feudal part? It wants you. That’s it. If someone challenges you or hurts you in any way it wants to confront them until they back down or shred them if they fail to do so.

Sometimes I think you are looking for me to say what my other pieces are thinking. But I’m shit at reading those situations when they effect me. I would say what all three are thinking but I don’t want to push you away. I want you to want all three. I almost said I want you to read this and tell me but I fear what the answer would be and if it’s all the same I’d like to hold on to hope for awhile longer even if it proves false.

Need vs want

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I have loved out of both want and need. Been with people out of both want and need. I want to be with you, you are interesting. I want to be with you, you make me laugh. People we want are fun. They are pleasant to be around and over time we can fall in love with them. This is a safe and rational way to live, to love.

Occasionally, rarely, you will encounter someone with whom the world just clicks. Colors are brighter, the things they say resonate, the world is better with them in it. This is need. They elevate you and hopefully you elevate them. This is passion and fire. Want is a sudden blaze then banked coals. Need can start slow, but it ignites like a nascent sun.

I’ve experienced both. Want is fine, and can work for a lifetime. But for circumstance, I would be with someone I wanted. Thought I needed before I experienced need.

Need is different, I don’t know if it’s better but each love is different in its way. Perhaps need is only another facet of love, perhaps a step closer to obsession.

Need consumes and one must be weary. Need can consume and destroy as well as its fire can be turned to creation. I don’t know what this need will lead to, but it is better than want. I have the stark contrast of my friendships whom I want vs the people I need.

The pitying look

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How would you respond if I took you in my arms and held you close? If I softly kissed your lips? It’s the question I ask each time I see you. It’s the question I’m too cowardly to ask. Fearing not that you’d say no, but that you would look at me with pity and say yes. Because even that yes I would take, and enslave my heart to you forever for the slight chance of that act.

Ma petite tempête hivernale

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This beauty, this life, this simple song
Give voice, give life, give dance
Touch hands, look eyes, and joyous laugh
Kiss lips, hold tight, sit silent

The day is turning,
the sun, the earth, the bowl of sky
Spin round and round
The heavens in their majesty waltz in order made Chaotic

But down below, in smaller frame, you and I. Hold. Hold on, hold tight, the world spins madly. Embrace.