This was a Joy division Song covered by an artist I no longer endorse in any way; Sorry Goddess of my Heart…In any case You know how I felt and still feel about you.
GMH
Song of the Day
I hope this is the Song of the day. I picked it out yesterday and wanted to share it with my love.
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Do I make missteps in my ardor for you?
I feel that I must. Like I am making mistakes but that, perhaps, you forgive them silently. Do I say ‘I love you’ too often? I feel like, at once, I say it too much and that it can never be enough.
I wonder if I send you too many missives? I do send several a day, most days. I don’t want to wait to write it all and send it all at once, but rather send when my thoughts are freshest. But I know, maybe, it is exasperating.
I think I must be tiresome to deal with. Am I? To have someone constantly sending you little notes and posting things and just all of it.
I dislike feeling like I am being burdensome. And even writing this, I can’t tell if I need reassuring or if I want information. But either way, it feels like…I don’t think weakness is the right word. But something close. Like I can’t hold my own or something. Which I know isn’t true, but feelings care so little for knowings, sometimes.
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Dream house
If I am but a journey, travel my roads knowing my care and comfort. Knowledge and joy hard fought and won.
But if I am more, then know that I have many rooms and halls to traverse. However, you will never be lost for you are home.
Welcome always in arms made for you. A love of songs and silences waiting to be filled. Or left empty, to become a place for us both.
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The things that I am
A poet spilling light and heartsblood onto the page
Distilling down to a few simple words
And just this one thing more
A writer spinning dreams and realities
Bringing people we’ll never meet to life
And just this one thing more
A troubleshooter, solving puzzles
Setting things back on course
And just this one thing more
A musician, writing and singing
Reaching out to those moved by sound
And just this one thing more
A pagan, dancing with the storm
Sitting at the howling center
Soaked by the rain
And just this one thing more
A teacher, guiding when asked
Sharing everything I’ve been and learned
And just this one thing more
Yours.
I am yours.
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Poetry and the future
I wrote yesterday about a poem I had written for someone who I longed for who never quite returned my affection.
Today, I write about all the future poems that I will dedicate to the Goddess of my Heart.
I know, I know. Every artist dedicates at least one work to a current love. It’s inevitable. We are passionate about our work and passionate about our loves. It is inevitable that the two would intersect.
But I’ve dedicated many works to her already. Anything Hash tagged GMH is about or for her. Dedicated to her.
I’m a romantic. We all know that. But I know she reads these. And that is the best feeling. That she reads what I write. In some ways, everything I write is in dedication to her. She captivates me. I sometimes feel like a complete idiot. Because I write her and I ramble, as I am wont to do, and I think I sound like a fool. Maybe not, maybe I just sound romantic.
It’s the duel nature of the artist and critic.
Perhaps, I’m overly harsh in this regard.
But here I go, rambling again.
Poetry. It’s sometimes as little as a sentence and I am something of a minimalist, trying to distill down to the essential words. So that there is space for the reader to project themselves into the piece.
With every conversation
Your words etch into me
Taking up residence
in my safe places
Where my becomes our
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For my Valentine
It has been a while since I have been with anyone at this time of year. Mostly I’ve been alone. But I am with someone and she is amazing. But, I post things for her and write things for her. I record things for her. So how to make this special? How to differentiate from the poetry and song? Perhaps just speak plainly? As much as I am capable of doing so, anyway.
We started well. As friends. Getting to know each other through what we write. Hearing your thoughts on what I was working on at the time. (Split Sky)
And little by little I felt like I wanted more. To get to know you more and I vaguely worded it. And you said you wanted in. Just flooring me. That a vague post would prompt exactly the right person. For the blog world, what a delightful meet-cute. And further down the road was cut up and rocky but eventually you found your way back to my door. And my arms. You are mine, my goddess of my heart. I hold you there. Carry you with me. Dream of you. Things are difficult but I think promising.
We’ll get everything we want, if we can hold together.
I love you. Never doubt it.
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Thoughts on silence and sanity
The fog clears as the days pass. As I exam my actions. When I am in the beginning throes of new relationship passion, I can be a lot to take. I’m passionate and attentive. But also nuts and needy. If we at least talk on a daily basis for about half an hour, I’m good. I can keep myself in the bounds of sanity. But if not, I can become overbearing in my need to be heard. To be seen in the relationship.
The people I’m attracted to tend to value my intense passion but there is another side to that coin. And that other side is possessive and a little nuts. Of course, if we talk, I lose that edge of crazy. Maybe that is what is most disconcerting, the lack of consistency. I’m at fault for letting the train get away from me. In the silence, I fill the void with my every addled thought until the next communication and I calm for a time.
Which is why I place such heavy emphasis on communication. I know I can get nuts. I want to minimize that. In some cases that’s not possible, due to circumstances, so a lot of understanding please. I’m not really that round the bend, as anyone who actually knows me can attest to. And when it is possible, do me the courtesy and yourself a favor and talk to me on the regular.
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Rage and despair
So quickly it all turned from finding you
From finding passion beyond words
From hearing you say yes,
yes this passion
Yes we found each other
yes, you
To this deafening, rendering silence
This pain beyond measure
Past words, past responses
How could it be gone now as if it never was?
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Molecule thin
separated
steel
all told
in my heart
cut me
crazy
intense
say something
I’ll dial it back. I need you in my life.
Pelgris 