I improvise, I don’t plan except in the broadest of strokes. I taste how the moment feels. I ask myself which action do I desire most, which scares me. If an action would hurt someone I care for, I weigh the consequences if I don’t take it. There are many factors. But it’s like a spinning top. You can choose when, where, how much force. You can setup perfectly and it can still go awry. It is always the factor you haven’t planned for, the unknown or the ones out of your control. So perfection is not attainable. But you can learn to improvise. To dance with the flow of the world. At the end of the day, you can only hope that you lived as beautifully, as open, as you could. That your words, your actions touched a life spinning by and made it better.
Thoughts
Jealousy
I never counted myself a jealous man until I found relationships where my place was uncertain. I think some of the jealousy stems from wanting and not having. I know if we’re physically intimate that when you are with anyone else you are going to have flashes, memories of me. I am that confident in my abilities as a lover and a Top.
The other factor is that I am expecting at some point to hear what I would say. Something along the lines of, “I’m here, I won’t abandon you.” I have real issues with being left. Because of Morgan dying. I know she would have stayed if she could but we’re talking emotional states here. It comes off as weakness, as not being confident. Its not, but it is an issue I’m aware of.
Share this:
Joy and time
Why is the portrayal of the ideal life so bland? Go to college, get a career, find a spouse, get married, live in a house with the character of a showroom, be happy but not too happy, love but do so quietly, steady, have a child, foster that child’s realistic hopes, child repeats the cycle, in middle age go to Bali and find that life is good and find that life is worth the sacrifices.
It is so bland. If this is what you want then fine, do as you want. I would normally say do as you desire but can someone living this way have desires? The most exciting thing in their lives is that fantasy or that illicit affair. I suppose that’s judgemental.
Give me fire and passion. Love messy and sweet and out loud. Unabashed, unafraid. Find art in life, find beauty in the world. Live for your friends, enjoy the journey not the destination. Listen to music, make your own. Sing even if you are terrible at it. Find the people who resonate, dance and scream. Be present in the moment, feel the world around you. Break free from all confinement, make love, have sex, drink and eat. Have rules but make them your own, make them be based in the things most important to you. Will you change the world from unrepentant same to multicolor? A life affected. Be sad, be angry but move forward. The happy times flow faster, let the bad times go by too. And always, always seek. Be it love or beauty, your passion or your dreams. We have no choice but to travel forward into the future, but we can choose how we step.
Share this:
Past is future
What’s funny about the ‘My future choices’ post is this, it is about my future. Not the choices I have already made. Which are to like one person and love another. Those relationship states don’t go away, I’ll just be more cautious with them. I’ll step forward, but I don’t step away if you get my meaning. Just a passing thought.
Share this:
My future choices
After so many missteps, I must begin to consider that it isn’t bad luck. I must accept that the people who I am attracted to are hurting in some way. I think because my first love was hurting and I was her strength. Indeed, we drew strength from each other. So perhaps I’m looking for the echo of that relationship in future relationships. I’m not doing it consciously. But I need to exam my attraction more closely. Not because desiring to help is bad necessarily but to do it as an acquaintance or advisor may be a better option for me emotionally. Going forward anyway. Choices made are already made and I must live in the shadow of those choices.
Share this:
Head pounding
Is there anything more daunting than the blank page? When your heart and thoughts are awhirl. When your mind is making connections and your heart is making wishes. When your subconscious is screaming for attention and your head is pounding. When your eyes burn from not sleeping and your heart begins to sink. It all becomes too much, and you just want a minutes peace. To sink into the arms of a friend, a lover, and forget. To feel safe. So easy, seductively easy, treacherously easy…
Share this:
A thing that I say.4
I say, Don’t apologize, do better next time. I understand you are sorry. I accept that you feel bad but if you want to do something for me or you want me to accept the apology then just do better. An apology does not wipe the slate clean. Maybe that sounds harsh. It isn’t in practice.
Share this:
Foolish possibility
I have this overwhelming need to write and this complete inability to say anything real. To say what I want to, but not what I want to. It’s these hopes. They plague me as much as anything I’ve done. This desire for the possible instead the achievable. But my mind rails against that thought, mediocrity lays in the achievable. Achieve the possible, reach for the extraordinary. Or maybe that’s just me hiding. The heart wants who the heart wants, I can no more give up on her than I can will myself to stop breathing.
Share this:
The parts of my mind
I wonder when you tell me things what you want to hear? My rational mind, my emotional one, or the part that thinks like a feudal lord? I tend to share what my rational mind says. That part of me is good at advice. My emotional mind wants you to say that you are mine and take confidence from that. But I don’t think you want to be anyone’s. So I can’t say that, not and be available to you. And the feudal part? It wants you. That’s it. If someone challenges you or hurts you in any way it wants to confront them until they back down or shred them if they fail to do so.
Sometimes I think you are looking for me to say what my other pieces are thinking. But I’m shit at reading those situations when they effect me. I would say what all three are thinking but I don’t want to push you away. I want you to want all three. I almost said I want you to read this and tell me but I fear what the answer would be and if it’s all the same I’d like to hold on to hope for awhile longer even if it proves false.
Share this:
Need vs want
I have loved out of both want and need. Been with people out of both want and need. I want to be with you, you are interesting. I want to be with you, you make me laugh. People we want are fun. They are pleasant to be around and over time we can fall in love with them. This is a safe and rational way to live, to love.
Occasionally, rarely, you will encounter someone with whom the world just clicks. Colors are brighter, the things they say resonate, the world is better with them in it. This is need. They elevate you and hopefully you elevate them. This is passion and fire. Want is a sudden blaze then banked coals. Need can start slow, but it ignites like a nascent sun.
I’ve experienced both. Want is fine, and can work for a lifetime. But for circumstance, I would be with someone I wanted. Thought I needed before I experienced need.
Need is different, I don’t know if it’s better but each love is different in its way. Perhaps need is only another facet of love, perhaps a step closer to obsession.
Need consumes and one must be weary. Need can consume and destroy as well as its fire can be turned to creation. I don’t know what this need will lead to, but it is better than want. I have the stark contrast of my friendships whom I want vs the people I need.
Pelgris 